Jun 072018
 

Faking it can be easy.
It can also be the absolute most draining thing one will ever do.

It’s like being an actress through most of my waking hours. Smiling when I am spoken to, being polite, saying everything is great, flirting and doing life, in general, all while there is this demon inside of me, telling me I’ve got to beware.

Beware of the guy who said hello, he could rape you, you are a stupid girl, don’t you know?

I have the scars, inside and out. On my wrist too many to count. I am the pale girl who has had too much sun in an attempt to appear a little more healthy. My eyes are often glistening bright from the tears I hold back, or dark and soulless as I give up the fight.

The house is trashed, and I mean trashed because my motivation is lacking. I look around and see the piles of stuff, the dust and I know it’s a fast job to do but can’t make myself do it. I write the lists and those do help. Seeing the checked off boxes of things seems to be a decent motivator.

My meds keep me overweight, so it’s more than easy for me to pass on food or forget to eat and no one even notices. There are days where I binge and get 2000-3000 calories (can we say pizza?) and there are far more days where I am down in the few hundred range at best. I don’t worry about my weight, it’s just another thing to do. Cooking drains me a ton. Even the easy things. Thinking about what to make is like doing an algebra exam. I try to remember to have a protein shake every day, so at least my body gets that.

I had a flashback earlier today about the house we were in. The basement had a sump-pump and there was a cement ridge built up around it with wood covering it. It always reminded me of a coffin. This morning the nightmare/flashback was based on that hole, only in this daydream, he threw me in and closed the lid. Laying there I wondered how long it would take for them to raise the lid to find my body.

PTSD is real. I die 1000 different ways every single year, all in my head, all in traumatic ways that feel oh so real. Much of the time, when I am startled out of my head, I wish that I hadn’t fought so hard to be the survivor girl, that I would have been better off if I had just not lived.

I’ve always been one to have extremely vivid nightmares and flashes of things while awake. When I was little I wouldn’t sleep because I could hear and feel planes flying overhead and dropping bombs. I remember looking out the window one day and panicking when I saw Saddam Hussein’s face staring back at me, the war hadn’t even begun and I am in Canada, and more importantly, no one was even there, just the sunshine.

Once I was held and raped and used and sold, all of those things became even worse, more intense. Because then I realized that evil really did exist. That it was alive and well. That I could be a victim, because I was a victim, and the victim still lives inside of me with extreme guilt. With intense fear and with a logic that doesn’t make sense to anyone but me.

I take a half dozen different prescribed meds and they take the edge off, but they don’t make it go away. I spent years in therapy and eventually had to quit going, the anxiety of having to bring the negative thoughts up each week was just as bad as keeping them inside. The last time I went, I left and cut my wrist in the parking lot. And, I had a great therapist whom I loved. I was ashamed.

My reports say that I am a masochist, among other things. I don’t argue with that at all. When you are taken at 15 and enter into an abusive situation with no escape, it is easy for you to become accustomed to being punished. When I feel like I have hurt someone, or I am useless or no good, the masochist comes out big time and demands the pain. I need it in order to know I am alive.

“And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive”

~Iris, Goo Goo Dolls

 

Jun 062018
 

Panic attacks have been progressively getting worse. The past comes back and haunts me in the weirdest places. I think I have become a bit of a hermit in a way. My phobias and anxieties over certain things have progressively become worse over the last year or so. I think when I lost the baby I lost more of myself.

The idea of ringing the dr for an appointment causes my heart to speed up, the cracked or broken tooth I have hasn’t been checked out or fixed because I can’t stand the idea of feeling trapped in a clinical setting, even though I’ve known my dentist my entire life. I struggle to even bring my kids, but for them I can do it, because I have too.

Having to go into stores and pick things up or run errands like getting the mail drains me, like a soul sucker drinking me up from a giant straw.

My fight or flight has never left, but I did go a good year or two without cutting myself, now I bare more scars and the mere idea of certain things causes suicidal thoughts to flash into my head as the way out of something as simple as running an errand.

Mom helps me a ton. She is the one who goes places with me and while I can still force myself, it really drains me until I am sick with migraines and feel like death has already come.

When I got pregnant over a year ago I had stopped several of my medications and was handling things “okay”, not great, not even perfect, but “okay”. I thought I could push through, but have realized that pushing through isn’t living life, I am fearing life.

I got up to close the curtains the other night and sheer panic kicked in. I ended up sobbing, hard, until I fell asleep. My fears of things I love dying are extremely high. The idea of any sort of change is paralyzing.

I started two of my meds again yesterday. I know that with them I will be tired, likely to gain weight, and have less spoons to help me through the day. But, without them, I don’t know how much longer I can keep pushing myself through these murky waters.

I often feel like I am in a state of mania, where I am hyper and unstoppable, followed by a depression that keeps me in bed for several days as I recoup that energy that was wastefully spent. I’ve never been one to be balanced. I struggle to even know what happiness is. I see glimpses of it, but I am not familiar with it.

If anything, happiness is an enemy, taunting me about what could have been and never was. I envy it. I loathe it. It is what I am not.

The degenerative disc disease and arthritis in my back, hips and pelvis are a constant reminder of the trauma my body has experience and it’s protesting against, standing, sitting, laying for too long is a painful one. Tylenol will likely kill me before anything else.

In summary, I have been, and I still am, a rancid mess.

 

May 312018
 

I went to the gossip site. I was blown away by the absolute sociopathic nature of the pack mentality of the people there, who seemed to mostly be women. Their need to shred someone up. Not caring if they live or die. Not caring if their words are the ones that cut too deep and cause irreparable damage, and often hoping that their words are what causes this to happen.

Attacking someone who has bravely said they have struggled with mental health. Accusing their boyfriend of being a pedophile. Accusing them of abuse, neglect. Calling them all the names and acronyms. Saying their children are ugly! Why bring the looks of an innocent baby into it at all?

It’s a very sad place.
It’s a place that breeds jealous pain.

Over the weekend I stalked this site. Just reading as I was laid up with some Benadryl. The common thing for all the people who are posting is they are angry. Their targeted victim will never be good enough. She can be single, she can be married, she doesn’t give her kid privacy, she hasn’t posted about her child so clearly doesn’t love her. There is no happy middle ground. And the 2 or 3 people who did jump in and say something, were attacked. Immediately met with swears telling them to get out, to stop being “minions” and even being accused of being the victim themselves under a fake name. Yet, none of the people there use a real name.

They hide behind this facade of the tough b____ and if you don’t agree you get beaten until you are down and out.

So where does this attitude come from? They act like rabid, emaciated wolverines behind the fake names and stolen profile images.

Is it jealousy? Is it the way our parents once gossiped with the neighbour over a cup of tea, but worse, because face to face is hard? And, how would these people feel if their families were to find out what they were up to 12 or so hours of the day? How would their friends feel? Their pastors? Who would ever trust them with their secrets? How would you ever trust these people to not backstab you?

How would the law feel if their words were responsible for their victims’ suicide? Aren’t there bullying laws? Don’t they apply to adults attacking other adults? What about adults purposing to ruin the career of another through slander and attempting to make them snap by creating multiple accounts in order to anonymously stalk their victim on Twitter, YouTube, Facebook and Instagram? Is this not the legal definition of slander? What about libel?

In short, opinion is not considered defamation in the U.S. That being said, false statements of fact that harm the reputation of an individual or business, aren’t protected under Constitutional Free Speech provisions.”

kellywarnerlaw.com/us-defamation-laws/

Why aren’t the victims taking action? I realize that one site will get shut down and another will pop up. But, isn’t it time to truly stand up for who you are and stop the defamation? To protect the business you are running, your children and your families?

I was prompted today to write the word “retrospective” over on The Daily Post where they have daily writing prompts for bloggers.

Dot With A Heart

 Tagged with:
Mar 282018
 

Floating freely and laying high
It was the end of the beginning
Who was I to try?

The flickering beat in a tiny sac
A light now dim
Shattered, I want you back.

Smashed head-first into the solid below
Love is scary and carries a hefty weight
Dreams are just dreams of a life I’ll never know

Oh, to be naive and in blissful joy
I am the lost one, attempting Neverland
An insufficient decoy

Head up as the tears pour down
I am the frazzled mess with too many words
No air, fear I will drown.

Feb 092018
 

*If you are reading on my homepage, you can mute the song I’m singing with a friend by hitting mute on your open tab!*

I don’t know when I wrote last, I think it’s been about a year since I joined a link up. I don’t even want to check. I am finally sitting here staring at an open document and my fingers are moving, so that’s a plus, right?

Today I am going to be linking up with my friends from the Five Minute Friday crew. Don’t forget that about a year ago a bunch of us used some of our favorite posts and Susan Shipe made a book collaboration with all proceeds going to some really important to our hearts charities! Check some of the best of us out and help make an impact!

Today’s Prompt is “PRIVILEGE”

It has been a privilege to have got to lead groups for Hello Mornings over the years, to get to hang out on Thursday night Twitter parties waiting for the prompt to drop and create fellowship and relationships over topics like brownies in a mug (which are amazing), Gilmore Girls, love, loss, prayer and the crazy good and crazy bad that makes us raise our hands as we fall to our knees and give thanks for the God-given privilege of one another, being honoured to pray for one another when we otherwise may never know that someone needs that extra boost.

This year has been a HARD year for me. A stressful year. A painful year. Yet, I had the privilege of being able to ask for prayer when I needed it. I felt beyond loved, beyond blessed when I announced I had miscarried in the spring and my DM’s blew up with similar stories and words of encouragement from the women that I have grown spiritually with over the years as part of this Five Minute Friday community.

I have watched and prayed as friends moved homes, switched jobs, had babies, lost babies, grieved their own losses and grieved alongside others.

I may have taken a long break, simply because the words don’t want to flow, but I have had the privilege of being a part of this family anyway.

A compilation of 150 blog posts from the Five Minute Friday Community. The stories found in these pages span a diverse range of experiences, but share a common thread: A Love For the Bravely Written Word.
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Jan 142018
 

I haven’t written in awhile. I lost my voice about a year ago. Or, at least it feels that long. I know I have written in that time, but definitely not the way I once did. The words are in my head, but my voice has simply up and left.

I lost my faith, it didn’t just waiver. It left with my voice. A sense of shame began to fill the gaps where God and the Word had once been nestled in. The freefall into a darkness overcame me, it’s still the cloak that covers me, brings me comfort in a place where there is no comfort to be had.

Sickness had me down and out a lot at the end of 2016 and I know it was my bodies way of protesting and saying I had fallen. I just didn’t want to believe it.

I grew pregnant in very late winter/early spring and miscarried, alone, several months later. I was too ashamed to tell anyone. Not my mom, not even the babies father. I wanted to hold onto that baby and keep it as mine. Only mine. A gift that God had given to just me. A gift that only I would love for the rest of my days.

I didn’t even tell my doctor until the fall. Perhaps because I was so adamant that I would keep this baby to myself forever, perhaps because I didn’t want the sympathy or the always unwanted and cold “you can always try again” type of comments.

Maybe I can try again, but I won’t. And, even if by some miracle that I do end up with someone else, and we do have a child, that child will never replace any of the babies I have lost. It will never erase the weeks I knew they were growing inside of me. The hopes and dreams I had for that specific child are forever gone. That baby will never be born, it will never inhale its first breath, or look into my eyes. It will never hear my voice outside of what they may have heard from inside of my womb, the muffled underwater sounds that budding ears were barely beginning to hear.

It felt like in those moments, months, of loneliness and being abandoned, that God up and abandoned me too. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I am. I no longer feel like a child of God. I feel a hollow space where feelings should be, where love should overflow, but I don’t feel God.

Oct 102017
 

Fall is always a fun time as most tv shows are starting to come back and the horror movies take over before Halloween!

I’ve had a ton of fun watching a plethora of things this fall, because I have mostly been in pain and therefore laying around.

I actually had to create a list of shows I was watching and on which days so that I could keep track of everything. Maybe that’s just how my brain works though! I am sure most people can remember what day How to get Away with Murder is on!

I was watching Room 104, but lost interest. The first episode was IMO the best. I haven’t seen the second half of this season and I don’t know if I will bother. If you don’t mind a ton of different genres in a 25 minute anthology for a few weeks, check it out! Some people love it and it’s already been picked up for a second season!

Currently I am absolutely loving:
Ten Days in the Valley

Ten Days in the Valley features Kyra Sedgwick and in it her work comes first, until her daughter is taken from her bed and the mystery of who has her and why, begins. Only 2 episodes so far this season but you can catch it Sundays on ABC! I think if you loved shows like Pretty Little Liars, you will thoroughly enjoy this more adult mystery!


American Horror Story- Cult

AHS is a show that I binged last year and honestly didn’t really enjoy. I began to watch it this year because the previews said it was more reality based than previous years and oh my god, I am in love with this season! It has amazing actors, a ton of mystery and a leaves a lot of questions. It is full of gore and most definitely tries to encapsulate human fears and emotions to an extreme. Join me and millions of others as we work to understand The Cult!


Mr. Mercedes

Mr. Mercedes is an amazing show based on the book of the same name by Stephen King. It is another mystery/thriller starring a retired detective who is tormented by an old case. A killer who used a stolen Mercedes to commit murder. With plenty of twists and turns and the perspective of the killer as well, this show is amazing. You can relate to the detective, you can relate to the bad guy. You can relate to the people in between. An amazing cast. The finale is tomorrow (Wednesday October 11th 2017) on Audience!

How to Get Away with Murder

One of Shonda Rhimes Thank God its Thursday shows on ABC! Season 4 so far has been a bit slow, but we are only two episodes in. There are already a ton of theories, questions, reviews and of course speculation going around! You can watch the first three seasons on Netflix and catch the new episodes on Thursdays on ABC!


Grey’s Anatomy

Grey’s is going into it’s 14th season. We are seeing some amazing things like Owens long lost sister who was kidnapped in war come back, we see Amelia having some health issues that could explain her drama, and of course we are going to see some awesome surgeries! With a two-hour season premiere and of course a love triangle, what else could you want?


Will and Grace

Will and Grace are BACK!!! About time we have some good humor! Jump in wherever you are, you won’t regret it. The show picks up in the current year, but with the same old humor, characters, bad singing and hilarious dance moves! Perfect to lighten up your Thursday nights!


Scandal

Scandal is in it’s 7th and final season. It started last week and is sure to be filled with twists and turns as Olivia becomes Command and Mellie is the President of the USA. Rimes said she always knew how this show would end, I can’t wait to see what she imagined all those years ago! #TGIT tv on ABC!


The Exorcist

Season 2 is titled Evil Has a New Home, and while it has a new cast the two exorcists and a couple of other priests and cardinals have carried over. If you missed the first season, you should definitely watch it, though not necessary to season 2, it did give a bit of an update as to what happened to Regan from the original Exorcist movie!

What are you watching? What do you think about the shows I am watching and let me know if you have any recommendations for TV or movies!!

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