Oct 102017
 

Fall is always a fun time as most tv shows are starting to come back and the horror movies take over before Halloween!

I’ve had a ton of fun watching a plethora of things this fall, because I have mostly been in pain and therefore laying around.

I actually had to create a list of shows I was watching and on which days so that I could keep track of everything. Maybe that’s just how my brain works though! I am sure most people can remember what day How to get Away with Murder is on!

I was watching Room 104, but lost interest. The first episode was IMO the best. I haven’t seen the second half of this season and I don’t know if I will bother. If you don’t mind a ton of different genres in a 25 minute anthology for a few weeks, check it out! Some people love it and it’s already been picked up for a second season!

Currently I am absolutely loving:
Ten Days in the Valley

Ten Days in the Valley features Kyra Sedgwick and in it her work comes first, until her daughter is taken from her bed and the mystery of who has her and why, begins. Only 2 episodes so far this season but you can catch it Sundays on ABC! I think if you loved shows like Pretty Little Liars, you will thoroughly enjoy this more adult mystery!


American Horror Story- Cult

AHS is a show that I binged last year and honestly didn’t really enjoy. I began to watch it this year because the previews said it was more reality based than previous years and oh my god, I am in love with this season! It has amazing actors, a ton of mystery and a leaves a lot of questions. It is full of gore and most definitely tries to encapsulate human fears and emotions to an extreme. Join me and millions of others as we work to understand The Cult!


Mr. Mercedes

Mr. Mercedes is an amazing show based on the book of the same name by Stephen King. It is another mystery/thriller starring a retired detective who is tormented by an old case. A killer who used a stolen Mercedes to commit murder. With plenty of twists and turns and the perspective of the killer as well, this show is amazing. You can relate to the detective, you can relate to the bad guy. You can relate to the people in between. An amazing cast. The finale is tomorrow (Wednesday October 11th 2017) on Audience!

How to Get Away with Murder

One of Shonda Rhimes Thank God its Thursday shows on ABC! Season 4 so far has been a bit slow, but we are only two episodes in. There are already a ton of theories, questions, reviews and of course speculation going around! You can watch the first three seasons on Netflix and catch the new episodes on Thursdays on ABC!


Grey’s Anatomy

Grey’s is going into it’s 14th season. We are seeing some amazing things like Owens long lost sister who was kidnapped in war come back, we see Amelia having some health issues that could explain her drama, and of course we are going to see some awesome surgeries! With a two-hour season premiere and of course a love triangle, what else could you want?


Will and Grace

Will and Grace are BACK!!! About time we have some good humor! Jump in wherever you are, you won’t regret it. The show picks up in the current year, but with the same old humor, characters, bad singing and hilarious dance moves! Perfect to lighten up your Thursday nights!


Scandal

Scandal is in it’s 7th and final season. It started last week and is sure to be filled with twists and turns as Olivia becomes Command and Mellie is the President of the USA. Rimes said she always knew how this show would end, I can’t wait to see what she imagined all those years ago! #TGIT tv on ABC!


The Exorcist

Season 2 is titled Evil Has a New Home, and while it has a new cast the two exorcists and a couple of other priests and cardinals have carried over. If you missed the first season, you should definitely watch it, though not necessary to season 2, it did give a bit of an update as to what happened to Regan from the original Exorcist movie!

What are you watching? What do you think about the shows I am watching and let me know if you have any recommendations for TV or movies!!

Oct 052017
 

The Sinner

Author: Petra Hammesfahr
ISBN: 9780143132851
Publisher: Penguin

Summary

On a sunny summer afternoon by the lake, Cora Bender stabs a man to death. Why? What would cause this quiet, kind young mother to stab a complete stranger in the throat over and over again, in full view of her family and friends? For the local police, it’s an open-and-shut case. Cora quickly confesses and there’s no shortage of witnesses, but those questions remain unanswered. Haunted by the case, the police commissioner refuses to close the file and begins his own maverick investigation. So begins the slow unraveling of Cora’s past, a harrowing descent into a woman’s private hell. A dark, spellbinding novel, where the truth is to be questioned at every turn.

About the Author

Hailed as Germany’s Patricia Highsmith, Petra Hammesfahr has written more than twenty crime and suspense novels, and also writes scripts for film and television. She has won numerous literary prizes, including the Crime Prize of Wiesbaden and the Rhineland Literary Prize. Her breakthrough novel, The Sinner, was a major critical and commercial success internationally, including in Germany, where it stayed on the bestseller list for more than fifteen months. The Sinner has been adapted for television as a limited series on USA starring Jessica Biel and Bill Pullman.

My Review

I decided to purchase this book after being completely enamored with the limited series on USA. It was an amazing show, if you haven’t watched it, go binge those 8 episodes -you won’t regret it!!

As for the book, it is equally amazing. It does follow the show fairly closely but we do see a lot more of the abuse that Cora has gone through as she grew up and the way she came to be. I feel like the show was more about someone else inquiring into Cora’s actions that day on the beach, but the book explains to us how Cora was raised and really answers everything amazingly well. The show did too and I honestly can’t compare them as far as quality goes.

Normally, a show is either better or worse than the book, and while I would love to say that the show was better simply because the English wasn’t the greatest for the book as it was translated from German, the story itself is equally as compelling and forces you to keep turning the page. If you love one you will love the other.

I am looking forward to reading other books by Hammesfahr that are translated to English.

The basis for the “instantly gripping” (Washington Post) limited series on USA starring Jessica Biel, The Sinner is an internationally bestselling psychological thriller surrounding an unexplained murder

On a sunny summer afternoon by the lake, Cora Bender stabs a complete stranger to death. Why? What would cause this quiet, kind young mother to commit such a startling act of violence in front of her family and friends?

Cora quickly confesses and it seems like an open-and-shut case. But the police commissioner, haunted by these unaswered questions, refuses to close the file and begins his own maverick investigation. So begins the slow unraveling of Cora’s past, a harrowing descent into the depths of her own psyche and the violent secrets buried within.

A dark, spellbinding novel where the truth is to be questioned at every turn, The Sinner is now a smash summer hit, with the TV series hailed as one of the best new shows of summer.

“As I read [the novel], I kept going, ‘I know where this is going—there’s no way this could be interesting.’ And then it would just take a com­pletely different direction.” —Jessica Biel

“The Sinner is unnerving and weird and guaranteed to stick with you weeks later.” —Sarah Weinman, editor of Troubled Daughters, Twisted Wives and Women Crime Writers

“Hauntingly insightful and sensitive.” —The Guardian

Kindle Edition: Check Amazon for Pricing Digital Only
Sep 212017
 

My heart rate rises and the vile comes up my throat and into my mouth. I choke it back as the images of her beaten lifeless body fill my screen, I can hear the words in my head, the screams that came from her as she fought for her life as he literally snuffs her light out, letting the smoke rise and the flame flicker in a cat and mouse game before holding the snuffer down and extinguishing her flame forever.

Her family in the next room claiming they didn’t hear a thing, they didn’t know he was abusive despite the broken door and the screamed name calling.

It hasn’t happened yet. But it will. It’s happened thousands of times before. A jealous rage caused by nothingness sending the grim reaper in and stealing a life away far too soon, for no reason.

Oh, I suppose there is always a reason. She hurt his ego, he thought she was cheating. She didn’t get breakfast ready on time. So many ‘good’ reasons to abuse, to kill. Hell, I was thrown down the stairs into the basement while nearly 8 months pregnant because I commented that his socks looked dirty. And to think, I was “lucky”.

So, when I hear this “fantastic” news it makes me sick. This is her future now and its out of my hands. No one can save her, maybe not even herself. Maybe I should stand by and be her friend despite her choice to stay, even though nearly every day for 18 months I have heard of the abuse and she has never made a change. Should I continue to allow my heart to break every single day at her expense when this is what she chooses?

I mean, she has told me “if I die, you know more than anyone else, don’t let him get away with it”.

And yet, she stays.

You can call it lazy or sexist or whatever you want. The fact is, its all the above, but most importantly, it’s abuse. She deserves to be loved. She deserves to be treated like a Princess and revered like a Queen. She deserves to be loved, honoured and cherished, and not in words between abuse, but in action every single day.

A queen.

A princess.

Not a piece of meat, or like my captor used to say, Chattel to be kept or sold as he sees fit -a slave.

I want better for her. For all men and women who are being abused. I want their eyes to open and the doors to freedom to open. It’s 2017. That shouldn’t be too much to ask, but still, it is.

Sep 192017
 

I sit and want to curse the cursor that is blinking at me, taunting me to express the thoughts that are on my mind. The flick-flick a mockery of my current state. Confused, angry, exhausted, physical pain that nears a 10 and medications that don’t want to help me, nothing has ever helped me, nothing ever will.

The swelling that woke me 6 times in the night still leaving remnants of stiffness in my hands -the fingers that could once fly across the keyboard tapping away about 100 words a minute seem sluggish and nearly useless. I know it’s not even bad, yet. I also know it will be worse. My body deteriorating as I age is inevitable.

If you know me, you know I push people away. I don’t trust myself to trust others, not with my heart. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I give it wholly, but then I panic and my fight or flight kicks in because in my life everything good has come to an abrupt end. I try to be ahead of the game, ahead of the soon to come let downs of pain of abandonment and loneliness that only love can inflict, and I become the one to run first. Heavily guarded like an armoured tank. The weapons on my tongue, the vault around my heart.

Yeah, so I am not here to preach or talk about tv or current affairs. I am not here to tell myself it will all be okay. I am not here to tell you it will be either. I am simply here to brain dump. To get the feelings out of my head so that they become real – at least to the page.

I want to be a person of the page again. Someone who writes it all out regularly. Who counts their thousand gifts and surpasses them each year, because, let’s face it there are more than a thousand things in a year that we should be grateful for. I don’t know why I stopped.

I’ve stopped a lot of things.

I’ve stopped looking forward to later. All I see is the blood red splatter that signifies straight up pain.

I’ve stopped being hopeful because as Spencer says in Pretty Little Liars “Hope breeds eternal misery”.

I’ve stopped basking in the sun and enjoying its warmth on my skin.

It’s like I had a taste of life and suddenly lost my appetite. No rhyme or reason. Though, I suppose there are plenty of reasons, many of which I haven’t processed yet.

A grief that has become all-encompassing that eats at me moment by moment.

The pain and discomfort my body and mind experienced in those days of loss that I tucked under the figurative rug to try and keep others from being hurt, maybe even not wanting to share my one little treasure with the world. All mine. Pure selfishness. But, I loved… and it hurt.

It all hurts, every single day.

I won’t ever get over loss. I won’t ever move on or get over it like many suggest. Maybe because I don’t want to, maybe because letting go of the past scares me because I don’t ever want to not bring those preciously painful memories with me. They are all I have.

Life is going to bring you down, and yet that pain is all I know, it’s all I have.

Crazy…

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Aug 282017
 

I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to be a part of anything -big or small. The pain inside seems to stem from nowhere and everywhere all at once and I don’t know how to bear it, or if I want to. The nectar flowing through my veins warms me, puts a crooked smile on my face and belly laughs that hide the fact the tears are real.

Anxiety causes my heart to race and wakes me from the peace of not feeling at all. I wish I could make it stop, but nothing can, and I won’t hold my breath that death will cause it to end either. Crazy thing about eternal life is the eternal damnation.

I am damned.

You can’t punish me more than I punish myself. You can’t make the hurt more painful than it already is. Nothing can.

So, I laugh and I play and I beg God to take me back… but he won’t, because fallen angels never go back. We may earn our wings, but only to carry our own sins. Floating through eternity in air dense as mud.

I would question my sanity, if I had any left.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…
I watched the sunset and stayed to watch it rise, and then I said goodbye to the light- knowing it was my last.

The darkness of the country sky is broken by the blinking coloured light of a plane flying slowly by. Hundreds of miles high, moving faster than the inches from 4 feet below ground can see.

The cat cutting through the earphones as she kills a mouse, or a string or an elastic band. The music playing my own voice -Foolish Games, Hallelujah… Unsteady…

I’m just a little unsteady…

 

 

Aug 162017
 

Here is a quick break down of my favourite 9 shows this summer!

  1. Gypsy

This psychological thriller really explored parts of the human mind that most shows simply don’t. Some people said the show was too slow for them, but for me the character building was absolutely brilliant. A therapist who is herself very lost and looking for her place in this world, while also a mother to a beautiful little girl who seems to be leaning towards being transgender, and a rocky marriage on both her and her husband’s parts. It was oddly relatable. I heard that Netflix hasn’t picked Gypsy up for another season after several weeks of working on the show, so we will have to see! I really hope we get a season 2!

  1. The Sinner

Another show with some deeper psychological things going on! The sinner is a limited series offered by the USA network and follows the journey of a young mom who has violent outbursts when triggered and doesn’t understand why. The help of a detective and psychologist are trying to unravel the secrets of her past that may be what is ruining her future.

  1. Riverdale

This show is one I watched people do reactions and reviews for and thought I wouldn’t enjoy because I never really cared for comic books, I was wrong. This show is so much more than a comic book, with all those main characters including Archie, Jughead, Veronica, Betty, Jose and the Pussycats, Cheryl and of course their messed up twisted families. A murder mystery that is truly mysterious and has you theorizing after each episode. Coming back this fall for season 2, I recommend a binge!

  1. Room 104

An anthology type of show that only runs for half an hour or 22 minutes if you DVR it! It takes place in Motel Room 104 and so far, is only 3 episodes in. With new characters/actors and a new storyline each week it is always fun to look forward too. While there is nothing to really theorize about and each episode does conclude, it does leave a lot open to interpretation. Is the room haunted? Does it attract evil or strange things? Is this a weird version of If These Walls Could Talk? A fun show that is almost a comedic/dramatic/thriller. After the first episode, I was reminded of a childhood show on YTV called “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” Very fun!

  1. The Fosters

I binged the first four seasons of The Fosters on Netflix earlier this summer and was anticipating season 5. It is a little bit chaotic right now at I believe 5 episodes in and a ton of storylines, but it is a great mostly family friendly show that is also family oriented! It deals with the struggles of adoption, foster care, the way juvenile courts work, LGBTQI, preparing for university and the way your actions can follow you through life. I really enjoy this show, even on weeks where it feels more like filler! A good friend does a live chat each Wednesday morning on The Fosters on YouTube and it is a lot of fun!

  1. Quantico

Another show I binged the first season of. It has a very HTGAWM feel in how it time jumps to reveal the truth and the first season was really good. I am struggling to enjoy the second season but I am giving it a shot just the same. I may enjoy it a LOT more once the kids are back in school and I can pay attention to those time jumps better.

  1. OZARK

I literally just began watching this show yesterday and I am only one episode in but oh my, a lot has happened. The write-up on Netflix says, “A financial adviser drags his family from Chicago to the Missouri Ozarks, where he must launder $500 million in five years to appease a drug boss.” As you can imagine there have been murders, threats and a lot of craziness that you would normally get from a mob style movie. So far, I am really enjoying this show and feel there is a lot of hope for the rest of the season.

  1. Girlboss

Another show I had absolutely no plans to watch, and fully expected to hate. WRONG! I feel like I relate a lot to the main character who is just a young lady trying to have the best of both worlds, happiness and the money to survive! Very inspirational. Though, if you are turned off by inappropriate gestures and swearing this show may not be for you!

  1. The Handmaid’s Tale

I watched this show earlier this spring with eager anticipation of every episode. It is another brilliantly done show and while it’s based on an old book by Canadian author Margaret Atwood, it certainly feels relevant to how things are going in the USA in 2017. It’s a scary thought that this show really COULD happen in the near future if bigoted men continue to speak and act the way they have over the past year. I HIGHLY recommend this show. Don’t let the word “dystopian” talk you out of seeing this eye-opener!


What movies or tv shows have you been watching? What are you looking forward to seeing this fall? I am excited for the return of Riverdale, How to Get Away with Murder, Scandal, 13 Reasons Why, and a ton of others!

 

I am #Voiceless

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May 292017
 

The pen and the paper have met many times over the last weeks, but the cursor continues to be cursed, blinking tauntingly at my weathered soul, begging for me to reveal to the world the depths of the holes that penetrate so far and wide that not even light can traverse the jagged mass.

Every breath I take hurts my soul, knowing its breath that I no longer want. My pain in my body can be dulled by the medications, but the pain in my soul has nowhere to go, nothing to take it away. I find myself in doubt. Questioning existence, torture, pain and beg the question why?


I’ve searched psychology books, history books, the Bible and my own faith and all that stands out to me is when Job says, “I have no rest, for trouble comes” because trouble always comes.

Only, now I ask myself, am I the trouble? Am I the cause of the pain? Do I bring this hurt upon myself? Do I beg it into my life instead of goodness and strength? Have I subconsciously killed away the children that once grew in my womb? Washing them out to punish myself… Can the subconscious mind even do that? Can mind really kill matter? Can mind end the life of another, stop the heart from having another beat?

Did I do this to myself? I can’t help but believe I did.

I deserve to be punished. I deserve to hurt. I deserve to choke on the tears of grief that can no longer be swallowed back. “I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel”, and the saddest part is I often don’t.

I am reckless. I am on the edge of a cliff unable to step back from the dangerous edge and begging to be pushed forward into the ending gravitational pull.

No one understands me because I simply don’t understand myself.

Life with depression, anxiety, and feeling like your value is only held in the hands of others is no way to live at all. Some days, I wonder if I am living at all. Most days I know I am not.

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