Sep 212017
 

My heart rate rises and the vile comes up my throat and into my mouth. I choke it back as the images of her beaten lifeless body fill my screen, I can hear the words in my head, the screams that came from her as she fought for her life as he literally snuffs her light out, letting the smoke rise and the flame flicker in a cat and mouse game before holding the snuffer down and extinguishing her flame forever.

Her family in the next room claiming they didn’t hear a thing, they didn’t know he was abusive despite the broken door and the screamed name calling.

It hasn’t happened yet. But it will. It’s happened thousands of times before. A jealous rage caused by nothingness sending the grim reaper in and stealing a life away far too soon, for no reason.

Oh, I suppose there is always a reason. She hurt his ego, he thought she was cheating. She didn’t get breakfast ready on time. So many ‘good’ reasons to abuse, to kill. Hell, I was thrown down the stairs into the basement while nearly 8 months pregnant because I commented that his socks looked dirty. And to think, I was “lucky”.

So, when I hear this “fantastic” news it makes me sick. This is her future now and its out of my hands. No one can save her, maybe not even herself. Maybe I should stand by and be her friend despite her choice to stay, even though nearly every day for 18 months I have heard of the abuse and she has never made a change. Should I continue to allow my heart to break every single day at her expense when this is what she chooses?

I mean, she has told me “if I die, you know more than anyone else, don’t let him get away with it”.

And yet, she stays.

You can call it lazy or sexist or whatever you want. The fact is, its all the above, but most importantly, it’s abuse. She deserves to be loved. She deserves to be treated like a Princess and revered like a Queen. She deserves to be loved, honoured and cherished, and not in words between abuse, but in action every single day.

A queen.

A princess.

Not a piece of meat, or like my captor used to say, Chattel to be kept or sold as he sees fit -a slave.

I want better for her. For all men and women who are being abused. I want their eyes to open and the doors to freedom to open. It’s 2017. That shouldn’t be too much to ask, but still, it is.

Sep 192017
 

I sit and want to curse the cursor that is blinking at me, taunting me to express the thoughts that are on my mind. The flick-flick a mockery of my current state. Confused, angry, exhausted, physical pain that nears a 10 and medications that don’t want to help me, nothing has ever helped me, nothing ever will.

The swelling that woke me 6 times in the night still leaving remnants of stiffness in my hands -the fingers that could once fly across the keyboard tapping away about 100 words a minute seem sluggish and nearly useless. I know it’s not even bad, yet. I also know it will be worse. My body deteriorating as I age is inevitable.

If you know me, you know I push people away. I don’t trust myself to trust others, not with my heart. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I give it wholly, but then I panic and my fight or flight kicks in because in my life everything good has come to an abrupt end. I try to be ahead of the game, ahead of the soon to come let downs of pain of abandonment and loneliness that only love can inflict, and I become the one to run first. Heavily guarded like an armoured tank. The weapons on my tongue, the vault around my heart.

Yeah, so I am not here to preach or talk about tv or current affairs. I am not here to tell myself it will all be okay. I am not here to tell you it will be either. I am simply here to brain dump. To get the feelings out of my head so that they become real – at least to the page.

I want to be a person of the page again. Someone who writes it all out regularly. Who counts their thousand gifts and surpasses them each year, because, let’s face it there are more than a thousand things in a year that we should be grateful for. I don’t know why I stopped.

I’ve stopped a lot of things.

I’ve stopped looking forward to later. All I see is the blood red splatter that signifies straight up pain.

I’ve stopped being hopeful because as Spencer says in Pretty Little Liars “Hope breeds eternal misery”.

I’ve stopped basking in the sun and enjoying its warmth on my skin.

It’s like I had a taste of life and suddenly lost my appetite. No rhyme or reason. Though, I suppose there are plenty of reasons, many of which I haven’t processed yet.

A grief that has become all-encompassing that eats at me moment by moment.

The pain and discomfort my body and mind experienced in those days of loss that I tucked under the figurative rug to try and keep others from being hurt, maybe even not wanting to share my one little treasure with the world. All mine. Pure selfishness. But, I loved… and it hurt.

It all hurts, every single day.

I won’t ever get over loss. I won’t ever move on or get over it like many suggest. Maybe because I don’t want to, maybe because letting go of the past scares me because I don’t ever want to not bring those preciously painful memories with me. They are all I have.

Life is going to bring you down, and yet that pain is all I know, it’s all I have.

Crazy…

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Aug 282017
 

I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to be a part of anything -big or small. The pain inside seems to stem from nowhere and everywhere all at once and I don’t know how to bear it, or if I want to. The nectar flowing through my veins warms me, puts a crooked smile on my face and belly laughs that hide the fact the tears are real.

Anxiety causes my heart to race and wakes me from the peace of not feeling at all. I wish I could make it stop, but nothing can, and I won’t hold my breath that death will cause it to end either. Crazy thing about eternal life is the eternal damnation.

I am damned.

You can’t punish me more than I punish myself. You can’t make the hurt more painful than it already is. Nothing can.

So, I laugh and I play and I beg God to take me back… but he won’t, because fallen angels never go back. We may earn our wings, but only to carry our own sins. Floating through eternity in air dense as mud.

I would question my sanity, if I had any left.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…
I watched the sunset and stayed to watch it rise, and then I said goodbye to the light- knowing it was my last.

The darkness of the country sky is broken by the blinking coloured light of a plane flying slowly by. Hundreds of miles high, moving faster than the inches from 4 feet below ground can see.

The cat cutting through the earphones as she kills a mouse, or a string or an elastic band. The music playing my own voice -Foolish Games, Hallelujah… Unsteady…

I’m just a little unsteady…

 

 

Aug 162017
 

Here is a quick break down of my favourite 9 shows this summer!

  1. Gypsy

This psychological thriller really explored parts of the human mind that most shows simply don’t. Some people said the show was too slow for them, but for me the character building was absolutely brilliant. A therapist who is herself very lost and looking for her place in this world, while also a mother to a beautiful little girl who seems to be leaning towards being transgender, and a rocky marriage on both her and her husband’s parts. It was oddly relatable. I heard that Netflix hasn’t picked Gypsy up for another season after several weeks of working on the show, so we will have to see! I really hope we get a season 2!

  1. The Sinner

Another show with some deeper psychological things going on! The sinner is a limited series offered by the USA network and follows the journey of a young mom who has violent outbursts when triggered and doesn’t understand why. The help of a detective and psychologist are trying to unravel the secrets of her past that may be what is ruining her future.

  1. Riverdale

This show is one I watched people do reactions and reviews for and thought I wouldn’t enjoy because I never really cared for comic books, I was wrong. This show is so much more than a comic book, with all those main characters including Archie, Jughead, Veronica, Betty, Jose and the Pussycats, Cheryl and of course their messed up twisted families. A murder mystery that is truly mysterious and has you theorizing after each episode. Coming back this fall for season 2, I recommend a binge!

  1. Room 104

An anthology type of show that only runs for half an hour or 22 minutes if you DVR it! It takes place in Motel Room 104 and so far, is only 3 episodes in. With new characters/actors and a new storyline each week it is always fun to look forward too. While there is nothing to really theorize about and each episode does conclude, it does leave a lot open to interpretation. Is the room haunted? Does it attract evil or strange things? Is this a weird version of If These Walls Could Talk? A fun show that is almost a comedic/dramatic/thriller. After the first episode, I was reminded of a childhood show on YTV called “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” Very fun!

  1. The Fosters

I binged the first four seasons of The Fosters on Netflix earlier this summer and was anticipating season 5. It is a little bit chaotic right now at I believe 5 episodes in and a ton of storylines, but it is a great mostly family friendly show that is also family oriented! It deals with the struggles of adoption, foster care, the way juvenile courts work, LGBTQI, preparing for university and the way your actions can follow you through life. I really enjoy this show, even on weeks where it feels more like filler! A good friend does a live chat each Wednesday morning on The Fosters on YouTube and it is a lot of fun!

  1. Quantico

Another show I binged the first season of. It has a very HTGAWM feel in how it time jumps to reveal the truth and the first season was really good. I am struggling to enjoy the second season but I am giving it a shot just the same. I may enjoy it a LOT more once the kids are back in school and I can pay attention to those time jumps better.

  1. OZARK

I literally just began watching this show yesterday and I am only one episode in but oh my, a lot has happened. The write-up on Netflix says, “A financial adviser drags his family from Chicago to the Missouri Ozarks, where he must launder $500 million in five years to appease a drug boss.” As you can imagine there have been murders, threats and a lot of craziness that you would normally get from a mob style movie. So far, I am really enjoying this show and feel there is a lot of hope for the rest of the season.

  1. Girlboss

Another show I had absolutely no plans to watch, and fully expected to hate. WRONG! I feel like I relate a lot to the main character who is just a young lady trying to have the best of both worlds, happiness and the money to survive! Very inspirational. Though, if you are turned off by inappropriate gestures and swearing this show may not be for you!

  1. The Handmaid’s Tale

I watched this show earlier this spring with eager anticipation of every episode. It is another brilliantly done show and while it’s based on an old book by Canadian author Margaret Atwood, it certainly feels relevant to how things are going in the USA in 2017. It’s a scary thought that this show really COULD happen in the near future if bigoted men continue to speak and act the way they have over the past year. I HIGHLY recommend this show. Don’t let the word “dystopian” talk you out of seeing this eye-opener!


What movies or tv shows have you been watching? What are you looking forward to seeing this fall? I am excited for the return of Riverdale, How to Get Away with Murder, Scandal, 13 Reasons Why, and a ton of others!

 

I am #Voiceless

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May 292017
 

The pen and the paper have met many times over the last weeks, but the cursor continues to be cursed, blinking tauntingly at my weathered soul, begging for me to reveal to the world the depths of the holes that penetrate so far and wide that not even light can traverse the jagged mass.

Every breath I take hurts my soul, knowing its breath that I no longer want. My pain in my body can be dulled by the medications, but the pain in my soul has nowhere to go, nothing to take it away. I find myself in doubt. Questioning existence, torture, pain and beg the question why?


I’ve searched psychology books, history books, the Bible and my own faith and all that stands out to me is when Job says, “I have no rest, for trouble comes” because trouble always comes.

Only, now I ask myself, am I the trouble? Am I the cause of the pain? Do I bring this hurt upon myself? Do I beg it into my life instead of goodness and strength? Have I subconsciously killed away the children that once grew in my womb? Washing them out to punish myself… Can the subconscious mind even do that? Can mind really kill matter? Can mind end the life of another, stop the heart from having another beat?

Did I do this to myself? I can’t help but believe I did.

I deserve to be punished. I deserve to hurt. I deserve to choke on the tears of grief that can no longer be swallowed back. “I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel”, and the saddest part is I often don’t.

I am reckless. I am on the edge of a cliff unable to step back from the dangerous edge and begging to be pushed forward into the ending gravitational pull.

No one understands me because I simply don’t understand myself.

Life with depression, anxiety, and feeling like your value is only held in the hands of others is no way to live at all. Some days, I wonder if I am living at all. Most days I know I am not.

May 062017
 

The papers have sat blank while my thoughts have raced in ways that make no sense. Ink hovering above the page but never do they meet.

I feel utterly destroyed. Maybe I am destroyed.

The soul-holes making up the mass of who I am, if holes can have mass; they definitely take up space.

My heart beats heavily and with each pump it throbs and bleeds love and loss. Grief can only exist where love has been. To love is to lose.

I wonder if opening up and being vulnerable is worth it at all? Can I afford this pain again? Can I bear its unbearable weight? Even if I could, would I want to?

Would I want to feel the hollow place within me where many hearts have ceased to no longer beat? Where I don’t even know gender or name?

Will my heart be satisfied in its shattered state by trusting that God knew the name? I try to take solace in that, yet have no comfort. And I wonder, maybe there is no comfort to be had.

Holding you in my heart like a hidden treasure that I am unwilling to share.

Goodnight my sweet angels. I’ll see you when I rise…

Apr 042017
 

A heartless heart shattered broke
The drugs wore heavy, my sheltered cloak
Feet on walls above aching head
It’s you I crave and fear I dread
Closing in the walls and ceiling
Too much to know how I’m feeling
The sound of silence too much to bear
Did you lie your love or even care?
My leaded ink marked for good
Removing things an eraser never could
Laughter, smiles, jokes and cries
Emotions are the life I despise
I look at tear stained cheeks, mark my prey
We won’t survive another day

Locked, clicked, pained screams
Rancid, decaying putrid dreams
Float high above clouds
Satans chains pulls down
Lucifer. Devil. Father of lies.
Killing softly marches torturous beat
Drummers dance over bellowing souls
Life. Death. Resurrect.

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