Marisa

Born and raised in Kenora, Ontario Canada, Marisa was a teen mom who has overcome incredible circumstances in order to provide the best life she can for her small family. Avid reader, blogger and a God-loving Christian, are just a few of the titles Marisa holds. Reading the Word and learning about God and His plans for her life are her current mission.

Aug 162017
 

Here is a quick break down of my favourite 9 shows this summer!

  1. Gypsy

This psychological thriller really explored parts of the human mind that most shows simply don’t. Some people said the show was too slow for them, but for me the character building was absolutely brilliant. A therapist who is herself very lost and looking for her place in this world, while also a mother to a beautiful little girl who seems to be leaning towards being transgender, and a rocky marriage on both her and her husband’s parts. It was oddly relatable. I heard that Netflix hasn’t picked Gypsy up for another season after several weeks of working on the show, so we will have to see! I really hope we get a season 2!

  1. The Sinner

Another show with some deeper psychological things going on! The sinner is a limited series offered by the USA network and follows the journey of a young mom who has violent outbursts when triggered and doesn’t understand why. The help of a detective and psychologist are trying to unravel the secrets of her past that may be what is ruining her future.

  1. Riverdale

This show is one I watched people do reactions and reviews for and thought I wouldn’t enjoy because I never really cared for comic books, I was wrong. This show is so much more than a comic book, with all those main characters including Archie, Jughead, Veronica, Betty, Jose and the Pussycats, Cheryl and of course their messed up twisted families. A murder mystery that is truly mysterious and has you theorizing after each episode. Coming back this fall for season 2, I recommend a binge!

  1. Room 104

An anthology type of show that only runs for half an hour or 22 minutes if you DVR it! It takes place in Motel Room 104 and so far, is only 3 episodes in. With new characters/actors and a new storyline each week it is always fun to look forward too. While there is nothing to really theorize about and each episode does conclude, it does leave a lot open to interpretation. Is the room haunted? Does it attract evil or strange things? Is this a weird version of If These Walls Could Talk? A fun show that is almost a comedic/dramatic/thriller. After the first episode, I was reminded of a childhood show on YTV called “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” Very fun!

  1. The Fosters

I binged the first four seasons of The Fosters on Netflix earlier this summer and was anticipating season 5. It is a little bit chaotic right now at I believe 5 episodes in and a ton of storylines, but it is a great mostly family friendly show that is also family oriented! It deals with the struggles of adoption, foster care, the way juvenile courts work, LGBTQI, preparing for university and the way your actions can follow you through life. I really enjoy this show, even on weeks where it feels more like filler! A good friend does a live chat each Wednesday morning on The Fosters on YouTube and it is a lot of fun!

  1. Quantico

Another show I binged the first season of. It has a very HTGAWM feel in how it time jumps to reveal the truth and the first season was really good. I am struggling to enjoy the second season but I am giving it a shot just the same. I may enjoy it a LOT more once the kids are back in school and I can pay attention to those time jumps better.

  1. OZARK

I literally just began watching this show yesterday and I am only one episode in but oh my, a lot has happened. The write-up on Netflix says, “A financial adviser drags his family from Chicago to the Missouri Ozarks, where he must launder $500 million in five years to appease a drug boss.” As you can imagine there have been murders, threats and a lot of craziness that you would normally get from a mob style movie. So far, I am really enjoying this show and feel there is a lot of hope for the rest of the season.

  1. Girlboss

Another show I had absolutely no plans to watch, and fully expected to hate. WRONG! I feel like I relate a lot to the main character who is just a young lady trying to have the best of both worlds, happiness and the money to survive! Very inspirational. Though, if you are turned off by inappropriate gestures and swearing this show may not be for you!

  1. The Handmaid’s Tale

I watched this show earlier this spring with eager anticipation of every episode. It is another brilliantly done show and while it’s based on an old book by Canadian author Margaret Atwood, it certainly feels relevant to how things are going in the USA in 2017. It’s a scary thought that this show really COULD happen in the near future if bigoted men continue to speak and act the way they have over the past year. I HIGHLY recommend this show. Don’t let the word “dystopian” talk you out of seeing this eye-opener!


What movies or tv shows have you been watching? What are you looking forward to seeing this fall? I am excited for the return of Riverdale, How to Get Away with Murder, Scandal, 13 Reasons Why, and a ton of others!

 

I am #Voiceless

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May 292017
 

The pen and the paper have met many times over the last weeks, but the cursor continues to be cursed, blinking tauntingly at my weathered soul, begging for me to reveal to the world the depths of the holes that penetrate so far and wide that not even light can traverse the jagged mass.

Every breath I take hurts my soul, knowing its breath that I no longer want. My pain in my body can be dulled by the medications, but the pain in my soul has nowhere to go, nothing to take it away. I find myself in doubt. Questioning existence, torture, pain and beg the question why?


I’ve searched psychology books, history books, the Bible and my own faith and all that stands out to me is when Job says, “I have no rest, for trouble comes” because trouble always comes.

Only, now I ask myself, am I the trouble? Am I the cause of the pain? Do I bring this hurt upon myself? Do I beg it into my life instead of goodness and strength? Have I subconsciously killed away the children that once grew in my womb? Washing them out to punish myself… Can the subconscious mind even do that? Can mind really kill matter? Can mind end the life of another, stop the heart from having another beat?

Did I do this to myself? I can’t help but believe I did.

I deserve to be punished. I deserve to hurt. I deserve to choke on the tears of grief that can no longer be swallowed back. “I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel”, and the saddest part is I often don’t.

I am reckless. I am on the edge of a cliff unable to step back from the dangerous edge and begging to be pushed forward into the ending gravitational pull.

No one understands me because I simply don’t understand myself.

Life with depression, anxiety, and feeling like your value is only held in the hands of others is no way to live at all. Some days, I wonder if I am living at all. Most days I know I am not.

May 062017
 

The papers have sat blank while my thoughts have raced in ways that make no sense. Ink hovering above the page but never do they meet.

I feel utterly destroyed. Maybe I am destroyed.

The soul-holes making up the mass of who I am, if holes can have mass; they definitely take up space.

My heart beats heavily and with each pump it throbs and bleeds love and loss. Grief can only exist where love has been. To love is to lose.

I wonder if opening up and being vulnerable is worth it at all? Can I afford this pain again? Can I bear its unbearable weight? Even if I could, would I want to?

Would I want to feel the hollow place within me where many hearts have ceased to no longer beat? Where I don’t even know gender or name?

Will my heart be satisfied in its shattered state by trusting that God knew the name? I try to take solace in that, yet have no comfort. And I wonder, maybe there is no comfort to be had.

Holding you in my heart like a hidden treasure that I am unwilling to share.

Goodnight my sweet angels. I’ll see you when I rise…

Apr 042017
 

A heartless heart shattered broke
The drugs wore heavy, my sheltered cloak
Feet on walls above aching head
It’s you I crave and fear I dread
Closing in the walls and ceiling
Too much to know how I’m feeling
The sound of silence too much to bear
Did you lie your love or even care?
My leaded ink marked for good
Removing things an eraser never could
Laughter, smiles, jokes and cries
Emotions are the life I despise
I look at tear stained cheeks, mark my prey
We won’t survive another day

Locked, clicked, pained screams
Rancid, decaying putrid dreams
Float high above clouds
Satans chains pulls down
Lucifer. Devil. Father of lies.
Killing softly marches torturous beat
Drummers dance over bellowing souls
Life. Death. Resurrect.

Apr 022017
 

I love with all that I am, every fibre of my being is devoted to those that I care for, that God has placed in my life, on my heart. And yet, it seems as though, love isn’t what defines me. No, there is so much more, a slut, a teenage mom, damaged, broken, lost.

Why is it that society can look at someone and see her horrible hair, her lack of makeup, the bad outfit she is wearing, but doesn’t look at another woman and think nice things, like she has beautiful features, her skin is flawless, she is radiant. Why is it that people will openly tell me I have gained weight but take no notice when I have lost it? Or tell me my haircut looks lovely or do a backhanded “comment” where they say “you cut your hair, it looks great but I loved it long!”?

We are told all the time that we are not defined by the vessels in which we were gifted by God, and yet our image is the first thing we see, not the Christian under the surface, but the actual vanity of it all. We are all often prejudged before we even have the opportunity to announce our faith.

Perhaps this is what makes internet life so much easier. People come together because of a cause, whether it’s political, a strong belief, justice, faith, being single, being married, having children, we all can find a way to define ourselves and join a group of others who are similar to us before a photo is ever shared. Our modesty or lack of isn’t given the chance to be judged.

I’ve heard people say things about others like “I can’t believe she wore THAT to church” and my thoughts have always been “at least she WENT to church!”

I can’t be defined as a church goer. It’s not something I do, and haven’t felt comfortable with, in about 12 years. Maybe one day I will walk through those doors again, but God hasn’t placed that on my heart. Instead, it has become more important to have intimate time with Him, studying His word, analyzing myself, reflecting, writing, watching, meditating, and of course, praying.

The people can go ahead and define me however they want, confrontational, dumb, intelligent, useless; the fact is, it really doesn’t matter. I can take the insults and pass them to God and know that I am wholly His because of His Holy Name and my faith knows that Christ and Christ alone knows me entirely –inside and out, and it’s ultimately up to Him to decide what I am, and what I am not.

I want to be defined by God. No one else. And, I don’t even want people to define me by my faith, because that’s asking people to judge and the Bible is clear, God was clear, and says “Judge not, lest ye be judged.” Placing someone in a position to judge me, define me, is asking them to do works that the Lord has forbidden.

Do you feel that the world unfairly defines you? How do you react to the negatives? Are you comfortable simply being YOU or do you feel like you have to mask yourself to be accepted?

Jesus Knows

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Mar 232017
 
… so, yeah, it turns out that for all the chaos in life there is a Saviour who calms the storms.
He whispers into hardened hearts and deafened ears and raises the bitterest souls from the ashes with a simple calling of His Holy Name -Jesus.
 
It doesn’t have to audible or it can be screamed over the chaos, He will hear.
 
He waits for this moment for each of His children. A shepherd holding watch in the darkest of nights over each of his lambs. The staff and the rod will guide me, every day of my life.
 
The crooked hook that keeps the line straight and narrow if I choose to bow my head in reverence and utter a simplistic “yes”.
 
I don’t have to give up or sacrifice to follow and thrive. I simply need to wait and listen for the words He is placing on my heart. I need to speak to the Father of it all, offer my praise and speak my heart in prayer. To live my heart in prayer and to love the way the Son commanded, always.
 
When I stumble and fall He will raise me up. He will cup my chin and look into my soul and whisper “it’s okay”, and deep down inside, past the anxious fear, I know He is right. He hasn’t let me down before and He won’t start now.
 
I may find myself feeling rejected by man but the love of Christ is more than sufficient to bring my chalice to overflow.
 
When I feel all alone I have to have faith that Jesus knows –because no matter what, Jesus knows.
Mar 182017
 

I sat there at the table in the rec center with a pencil borrowed from my child and the back of my grocery list, jotting down two poems in about 10 minutes while dealing with people inquiring about what we were doing there. I was just the chaperone as this was the kids gig, but I answered questions and handed out free things just the same.

The nausea is still plaguing me whenever it feels like it and the exhaustion and fatigue are definitely assaulting me. Vivid dreams in full colour are sticking with me through the days and laughing until I am crying or crying until I am laughing are also becoming a new normal.

But, today, the words flowed from me in a poetic prose that I had missed. The pain and sadness that lives deep within my soul, was eager to hit the slip of paper and is currently tucked inside my wallet. As I read the words aloud to the child who loves to listen to rap and lyrics full of suffering and pain I heard the words “that’s deep and really good. If I didn’t know you, it would almost be scary, almost.”

You see, I have a dark side, a side riddled with past pains, abuse, rape, physical and emotional neglect and loss. My dark side often finds its way out when its pen on paper, never rehearsed or even edited, just the need to hold a pen to paper and write the words that flow, whatever they may be.

I often wonder to myself, how do people who don’t write deal with their dark side? Surely, I am not the only one who has this. Certainly, I am not the only one with a tumultuous past.

I believe in God. I believe I am redeemed. I believe that Christ has already bore my sins and that I am saved. I believe that my faith is more than sufficient and yet I am human and the darkness still lives within the broken cracks of my once shattered soul. You see, you can glue a mirror back together, no matter how many pieces, but the reflection will never be the same. While Christ is the glue that strengthens me, and has rescued me from the past, it doesn’t mean the past never happened.

I love deeply and wholly with all that I am. I don’t trust easily. I break often. I hide the pain behind a smile. I am content in just ‘being’ and in knowing that the present doesn’t last forever and that what comes tomorrow will be history the following day. I’ve learned that I have to be my own best friend so that I can live the life God would have me lead.

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