Marisa

Born and raised in Kenora, Ontario Canada, Marisa was a teen mom who has overcome incredible circumstances in order to provide the best life she can for her small family. Avid reader, blogger and a God-loving Christian, are just a few of the titles Marisa holds. Reading the Word and learning about God and His plans for her life are her current mission.

Jul 112019
 

Sitting on the outside while feeling like I am on the inside of all the secrets the world has to offer. I stumble. I fall. I second guess myself. I look around and have absolutely no clue if my life is real or a story of fiction, words on the pages of some book that is being written as I stumble to understand this nexus.

How does one know when the world is using them? When all of the hurt that they feel doesn’t need to be felt at all? And, how does one swallow down that hurt and see the bright side, looking for the silver lining in every situation when the situation remains stagnant and oh so incredibly different every single day? Will I know when it is real or when I should walk away?

You see, once you’ve been gutted, cut from sternum to spleen and had everything torn from you, figuratively, it is hard to ever trust a touch, a feeling, an emotion for what it is. This voice in the back of your mind always sits in anxious-wonder waiting for the ball to drop, the lies to be exposed. How many people can be in on one lie? How many people can hold onto a dozen or more lies? How many records can be hidden in a world where we have freedom of information? Am I looking too deep to find answers when I have what should be the truth sprawled out in front of me?

It is almost as though I am performing an autopsy on life itself rather than the dead. Making my Y incision and peeling back the layers, looking for blemishes, flaws, things that I was told weren’t there. Seeking answers to questions that no one ever asked. Presuming the innocent are guilty before I begin my investigation in the first place. Allowing myself to be pulled down and tortured by the hurt that I unveil, hurt that wouldn’t have existed at all had I left the flesh alone and not sought problems that didn’t exist outside of my mind.

The mind is a powerful thing. Probably the most powerful thing. We can make nearly anything manifest if we will it to, subconsciously or with intent. Some are great at using this gift to live a life of intent, to create and not harm. Others, like myself, are great at feeling the pain of the world and allowing it to pull down, hard until I am the bloody mess.

Do I want to be a mess or the one that speaks the wise words and influences others to be wise with their time, to live an intentional life? I personally don’t feel any amount of infinite wisdom can be worth the air used to speak if we haven’t walked through our own broken dreams, felt our own brokenness, held our insides in our hands and begged to be saved and to die, all at the same time.

Inner conflict may be the only thing that keeps us looking forward, seeking answers, questioning the unquestionable and living a life that seeks knowledge and power rather than pretending we have it all figured out.

I promise I have nothing figured out. Not a single thing. But I live in love, I hurt in love. I am the most authentic version of myself that I could possibly be. I bare my scars to the world and I do not fear the world’s judgment as each and every scar is a reflection of the shattered mirror that shows my life. The broken raw version of me, not the airbrushed version I wish the world could or would see.

Who am I? That’s a question I have been seeking an answer to for nearly 20 years and if anything, I am further now from knowing than I ever had been in the past. For the first time though, that feels strangely “okay”. I am far from content and yet I am good exactly where I am – performing autopsy’s on my own life searching for the answers to… I don’t know.

Fueled Flame

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Jan 312019
 

The Realm of the Dead

I beg the world to just let me be numb, to make the pain from yesterday and tomorrow roll off of me. Like a tsunami that pulls the water away the pain always rolls back in, deeper and harder than it had ever been before.

I try and see the good in life. Maybe I’ve gone blind.

What is the point in all of this hurt? What kind of god or deity says that this is okay. That free will is acceptable when it comes to damaging others. The scars in my brain are lesions that can’t be fixed. Not in this world. Probably not in the next.

I am angry. Angry at God, angry at myself for having faith in the greater good when the reality is that there is no good. It is a falsity, a bald-faced lie that we all look to as some sort of guide to having the best life, when none of us really do.

I hate.

I hate the happy people. The rich people. The people who got to die when I can’t. The people who laid there looking like they were sleeping peacefully ready for their grave with their mouths stitched shut to avoid the look of a screaming slack jaw staring up at the mourners. I envy that person. The person in the pine box, preparing for the flame.

All of this life, all of this hurt, this broken-ugly is hell. The good die young because they are too good for this inferno.

And today, like in years before, I watched the sunrise as if it were my first, and then I said goodbye to the light, knowing it was my last.

I cut myself just to feel the pain.

I bleed just to know I am alive.

I am sorry, every single day.

If God was my tourniquet, what will save my soul now that he has abandoned me?

“No” comes from my mouth so loudly in the darkness of the winters night that I wonder how it’s not heard around the world, I wake myself. The rapist’s in my head alive and well. I am the zombie that can’t get them to go away.

Crazy… I was crazy once…

Then, the brutal hit of life stole the wind from my lungs and snuffed out the flame that I had glowing inside.

Perhaps, I am numb, the pain is so bad I can barely recognize it. Is this a part of the show? This evil game where I am the mouse and I can’t tell who the cat is, so I have to trust no one? Don’t inhale the toxic fumes called air, Marisa. Hold your breath until the darkness creeps in and you close your eyes.

And if you don’t love me now…

Well, you probably never did.

Jan 022019
 

Baby Sterling, born May 1st, 2017, was an incredibly sad and tragic case of abuse resulting in his death, around August 30th, 2017 in Alta Vista, Iowa. At autopsy, he only weighed approximately 7lbs, barely above his birth weight, despite being 4 months old.

He had been left in his baby swing, alone in a room, unchanged and unfed by his “parents” Cheyanne Harris and Zachary Paul Koehn. Z Koehn called 911 stating that Sterling had been unresponsive but when first responders arrived they found what can only be described as a gut-wrenching, stomach-turning scene.

Sterling was covered in maggots as he laid in his baby swing, in a diaper that hadn’t been changed in approximately a week. He had maggots burrowing into his skin and in various states of life. The autopsy said he hadn’t been moved in some time. Meanwhile, these “parents” were lovingly doting on their older child in the next room over.

Cheyanne Harris and Zachary Koehn arrest

Oddly, Harris and Koehn were not arrested until October 25th, 2017, after a seemingly lengthy investigation into little Sterling’s death. They were both arrested for first-degree murder and child endangerment. The medical examiner ruled the case “failure to provide critical care”.

Initially, both Harris and Koehn had asked for expedited trials. Both trials were initially set for early 2018, though being tried separately. Soon enough, and as anticipated by most people following the case, the defence began to ask for more time to prepare and finally even changes in venue, in hopes of a fair trial.

Zachary Paul Koehn went to trial in November 2018 and in less than an hour of jury deliberations was found guilty of first-degree murder and child neglect resulting in death. Iowa does not have the death penalty but the charge of first-degree murder carries an automatic life sentence with no chance of parole, which was officially handed down to him On December 4th, 2018.

Cheyanne Harris’ trial is set to begin January 29th, 2019, also in a different venue. Harris’ attorneys have filed notice that they may be using a diminished capacity or intoxication defence as Harris was alleged to be using methamphetamines, with Sterling Koehn testing positive at birth, arguing that she wasn’t in a position to care for her newborn son. An expert already testified in Koehn’s trial that Harris may have been suffering from post-partum depression.

Early Warning Signs NOT Reported

Jan 022019
 

My thoughts, my faith, my inspiration, they all change from day to day, moment by moment and I no longer have a specific focus.

Somewhere along the way, I lost my spark. I lost my way. I miss expanding my mind and my content into the corners of the literary world like I once did.

You see, when you’ve been through so much hurt it has this way of boiling up and over into ways that aren’t healthy and this life that had glimmers of hope and joy and direction seem to just go on the backburner. In a struggle between good and evil. I would love to say good always wins, yet in my life, it seems that the enemy wins a lot more often than not.

The scars that are hidden under new ones, and the new ones bandaged away to heal the best they can. The wear on my body hurts more in my heart. Somedays, my eyes don’t seem to dry at all, other days I need to bleed just to know I am alive.

This may have been the hardest 4th quarter of the year, or maybe even the hardest challenges of my life. I don’t know yet if I have won the war because the battle that lives in my head, heart and is entwined in my soul never seems to stop. I can’t tell if it’s a replay or real-time.

“I just prayed to a God that I don’t believe in” (Bon Jovi), seems to be a quote that my mind is tangled around a ton lately. I believe in the Word of God, yet I don’t feel the Holy Spirit in my life any longer. I want to cultivate that relationship and yet I feel silly because I am at this impasse where I don’t even know that my faith is in something that is real. I am like a child that is beginning to doubt whether or not Santa is real. I hate this about myself.

So, how do I begin to reclaim my life? My faith? My joy?

Where do I even look when the sadness and melancholy have been the only friends that never leave? Is it really bad to be comfortably numb? Who said going through the motions of life isn’t actually living?

I crave more. I need more. More of what? I guess we will see!

My word this year is JOURNEY.
I am on a journey of self-reflection, looking forward and seeking me!

Time…

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Dec 252018
 

I told you I would break.
I didn’t know when.
The tsunami that was coming finally arrived.
The waves are drowning me.
I don’t know if I survived.

The dripping crimson I don’t regret.
All of this time and I feel nothing yet.
Scars rough and tough unlike my soul.
You are the hole that has no light.
I don’t want to fight when it’s not me that’s alive.

Dec 222018
 

I’ve compiled my top favourite true crime YouTubers that I have enjoyed this past year! Only 8 made the cut as many others are only focused on one case and I think bringing light to as many cases as possible is important! I am subscribed to nearly 100 different channels from family vloggers, to cleaning, makeup and yes, of course, more crime! I may decide to list some of those other channels another day!

Eleanor Neale

Eleanor Neale has an amazing UK accent and most of her videos are true crime narrations. Her accent combined with the stories she tells, and the respect she gives, have made her one of my favourites in 2018!

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Gabulosis

Gabulosis has a series on vintage crimes, especially hollywood starlet types called “Vintage and Vanished”. She always has a new hair color and vlogged for the first time during her Halloween video’s this year! She talks about many unknown to me cases and I love it! Like many others, she also puts in an off-topic video or a different style video once in awhile to lighten the mood and show another side of herself! She does an amazing job and I have no clue why she wasn’t recommended to me sooner!

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Amber Loves Mystery TRUE CRIME

Amber has fairly long videos and really puts a lot of love into every case she covers! She also has posted a couple of vlogs and unboxing videos of products that people who are interested in creepy things would enjoy! She has talked about having some struggles with her health and still manages to upload regularly! She caught my eye with her beautiful backgrounds and soothing voice! I love the variety on her channel!

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Cayleigh Elise

Cayleigh does an amazing job with her series of covered John and Jane Does called “Nameless”, her series “Dark Matters” and tons of other dark topics, including fringe episodes and Subsriber Storytime! If I had one complaint, it would be that she has a lot of Patreon only things, and I can’t afford to join in, but I absolutely respect her for fnding a way to keep the channel up and running and sharing these important messages!

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Georgia Marie

Georgia is another young woman with an amazing accent! She covers a lot of cases from the UK and this makes her videos seem quite new to me as they are often cases that i am not familiar with. However, she also has done the classics, including Jack the Ripper. She uploads every Wednesday for a “Midweek Mystery” and throws in a beauty product or vlog here and there to help lighten the mood and allow her viewers to see other aspects of her life!

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LordanARTS

John Lordan has been someone I’ve been following for several years! He is the ONLY YouTuber I have ever bought merch from! He has several different series on his channel, Brain Scratch -which was birthed by the Elisa Lam case, Case Cracked, where he gives us a story where the case is solved. Searchlight, which highlights missing people; and once in awhile he will toss in a more fringe episode to lighten the mood and peak your interest by something not so dark! He used to do a weekly documentary or movie review as well, but has changed his schedule up and this is no longer in his regular weekly rotation, but he does feature a documentary or movie here and there! John, is one of the only YouTubers I have ever found who has the families of the victims reach out to him and be willing to discuss the cases, adding in an even more personal touch and call to action!

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Shauna Rae

Shauna Rae is another true crime YouTuber who enjoys pulling up lesser-known cases. Her channel is building really nicely and I am excited for her! I don’t know if I have ever even left a comment (I will have to!!) but her information is clearly well researched and she isn’t afraid to look at her notes to make sure she is getting it right! Recently her uploads did slow down as she explained some health issues in a recent video, but I am excited that she is back! Shauna Rae also tosses in some skincare products and q&a’s to lighten the mood, but it is tastefully done and doesn’t take away from the messages of the victims she is representing!

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These are literally in no order other than the way they appeared in my subscription list! I hope you check them out and find someone new to enjoy! If you have are in love with somone, or have your own channel, leave me a comment and I will check them out!

EDIT
I realize there are now only 7 listed. One was removed due to spreading rumours about other YouTubers and tearing people down. I am not about that game and won’t be supporting someone who is! I hope you enjoy my top 7!!

Dec 192018
 

I look down and see the moon
Reaching to the window
I will be close soon.

Grabbed back from that innocently selfish step
I’m wondering why the sky is below
Where am I that it’s all upside down?

Tenderness, pain, and emotion without sound
Living life while begging to die
How am I swimming in the sky?

My faith is real yet I fear I am not
A mass of carbon without any thought
Just one step and it’s do or die.

Why won’t you release the shackles
Please, just let me try
Forever I’ll be yours, here or there.

If it doesn’t work what will you care?
And if I float into the Heavenly abyss
I’ll come to you and tell you what you’ve missed.

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