There are so many things that I could say on this word. Mostly in the sense that I didn’t want someone to go away or I didn’t want to go away myself. I miss so many people because death comes and takes people away from me or me away from them.
How do you not miss them? How do you simply say “they are in a better place” and not feel that deep hurt that makes you never want to lose again? The fear of loving another person is so real because when I love I risk losing them, I risk them going away.
So, I stay away. I keep things at a distance. I panic and push when you get to close to me. I don’t like people knowing my heart or soul because when you do, that means you can hurt me. Perhaps the worst kind of defense mechanism I have in place but when you have lost as much as I have in such a short life it becomes very normal to expect pain and not much more.
A friend of mine, Ric, sent me a link 2 years ago to a YouTube video and the song is still one of my favorites. It manages to sum up all the hurt I feel and all the silent begging I do.
The veterinarian came out when she was done and explained to me that there were two puppies, both boys and one had the injury that caused the needed caesarean, he was also the one to die only 5 hours after coming home. Right here in my bed, lying next to me as I struggled to keep him warm.
My dogs are like my children. They hold this place inside of me that can’t bear to let go. I was home and Gracie was safe, Buddy was healthy, which was a good thing because it took Gracie several days to realize that she needed to take care of him, and even then she would tuck him under my knee for warmth and she would go sleep on the couch at night and only come to him when he would wake up hungry. We definitely co-parented!
Perhaps the hardest of the going away are the miscarried babies I have lost.
My daughter was the one who realized Gracie was in distress during labor and she held her as we went to the clinic. She rushed home from school day after day to see how Buddy was doing. She took over on keeping him warm, helped me hold down Gracie when she was refusing to let him eat and before he was even two weeks old he began to get excited that she was home from school. He would wander the room blindly sniffing her out. He didn’t like when she went away and he eventually adopted her at 8 weeks. She diligently trained him during the coldest winter I can recall and he still sits in the window ALL DAY waiting for her to get home. We play hide and seek. I cover his eyes and count to 22 while she hides and he has only not found her on one occasion. Those early days of sniffing her out worked well for him.
Perhaps the hardest of the going away are the miscarried babies I have lost. They don’t have a headstone or a place to mourn. They didn’t get a funeral, or have any pictures. For most people they aren’t even remembered, if they even knew that I had been pregnant to start. That suffering alone each year on those anniversaries is the hardest. I have learned that turning to God is the only way to get through. Knowing that my babies were born directly into the arms of God and that the first face they saw was that of our Father helps me to get through those rough times with a lot more ease. Yet, it is never easy and I still wonder if I had somehow caused them to go away, if I had done something that caused God to call them back.
Through His grace the hard lessons are learned, the biggest being that no matter what I do or don’t do, God has plans for me and there is very little I can do to change the outcome of something as huge as life! God is the creator, the protector, the perfector. He doesn’t make mistakes and I KNOW that my losses were really gains. The love I have for each of my babies is love I never would have experienced had I not had those weeks with these babies growing inside of me. My thoughts are brought back to God and to prayer during those times of remembrance and I can’t argue that I never learned anything by never meeting my babies. I learned quite a lot over the years and I think the biggest is that even when something goes away the love never does, we can hold onto love for eternity, the way God tells us.