The world is in bloom right now, flowers hanging, grasses blowing in the wind with thousands of wildflowers mixed in, fruits and berries all growing excitedly out of the earth, filling tummy’s and making mama’s everywhere Google recipes for how to make what has grown go even farther.
Blooms are a sign of new life, like a bud on a tree, but in this context they are the fruit that sustains us. They and God become nearly interchangeable as we gather food to sustain ourselves and our families. God, the creator of life and the fruit that sustains my soul.
As many people know I am struggling with depression again right now. It seems to be my biggest struggle especially at this time of year. It’s not that I lose faith; it’s that I lose happiness and I can’t bear to be around it because it reminds me how much my life hurts.
For whatever reason this is the time of year that I miss my babies the most, the ones born directly into Heaven, maybe because everyone else seems to be having spring and summer babies and it’s hard to not see them, hard to not be reminded that they are having these moments that I never had with my little’s who gazed upon Gods face upon opening their beautiful, perfect, eyes for the first time.
So, I retreat, I retreat away from the blooms of new life and I delve into sleeping because sleeping makes me feel like my babies are alive. I can see them then, I can be with them. I can forget the pain, even if it’s just a few short hours at a time. I pull away from all that is alive and beautiful and I live with the fatal ugly all in an attempt to be at peace.
Yet here I am confused by the light and the dark. I know that the darkness is never as black as it seems and that the light shines even if it doesn’t reflect blindingly back to me. He is there, always, waiting for me to relish in the blooms of newness that spread the light that is His Holy Word.
I know that no matter how many storms I am forced to weather and how many things I fear that in the end, God is all I need and He is always, always near.