Jul 072016

They are just trying to build their lives, build their family, have children together alongside the ones that she brought into the relationship all those years ago. And while we aren’t close, at all, maybe seen each other a half dozen times since we were little kids playing cops and robbers with toy handcuffs, my heart is still broken for him, my cousin, yet again. He has had a rough few years.

He was in a plane crash that he narrowly survived a few years back, on that day I was complaining to my mom that everything smelled like fuel, she said I was crazy until the email came saying his plane had went down and that an old boyfriend of my aunts, from 30 years ago, had saw the rainbow on a small lake of fuel and being the nosey man he is he swooped down to get a closer look only to see part of a pontoon sticking out of the water with a body on it, my cousins body. The family friend, Jake, was in a plane too large to land and my aunt and uncle were on the radio trying to find their son when Jake called for someone with a small plane for help. Some American tourists with a small plane were able to make the landing in that tiny remote lake and help my cousin off that pontoon into their plane and back into the sky to meet the ambulance at the docks. His neck was broken, his thumbs nearly amputated from trying to pull the plane up when he crashed and chemical burns from him laying partly in the water with all that fuel and oil pouring out and burning his flesh away. Praise God his neck was able to be fixed and he didn’t suffer any paralysis or anything like that. A lot of healing though and it’s been probably five years and he still hasn’t got his pilots licence back, his thumbs have been the biggest problem.

Since then he has went on and continued with the woman who stood by him during all of that healing, and all the years before that, and they had a baby girl, named Aurora. Only, Aurora was born directly into the hands of God. They were trying to build a family and God is building Himself an army of angels. It was close to the due date for little Aurora when the placenta broke free and before they could get to a hospital the baby had passed and the mama almost did too.

Now its been a few more years since that happened and I had a vivid dream about a caesarean going very wrong. When I went to tell my mom about the dream she was reading an email saying Aurora’s little sister was also in Heaven. I didn’t even know they were expecting another baby, I guess when you have experienced the pain of losing one you might want to be hushed about another just in case. They had a scheduled c-section planned and their little girl whose name I don’t know, was moving fine and had no reason for concern, but when they arrived for their c-section they couldn’t find a heartbeat. They did an emergency delivery and couldn’t revive the baby. And another little soul was born right into the arms of God.

My cousin though? In his building a family and a career as a pilot and all of that feels like the world just keeps knocking him out of the sky and while I sit here and cry over a baby I didn’t even know existed until the other day when she was already gone he is struggling with drinking and drugs and finding any way he can to dull the pain of living, and living comes with a lot of pain.

And somehow my vivid dreams have always mimicked life. I have been accused of killing because I dreamed it, the first time at the age of 9 when my cousin took his life in our back yard, found splayed after three days missing, at the bottom of a cliff. I was blamed because I had said he was going to die about 3 months earlier when he had crashed a truck after my great uncles funeral, and that blame has never left me.

So when my cousin crashed his plane and I was being haunted by the odor of fuel and couldn’t figure out why until I got the news I felt like had I not smelled that smell that he would still be flying.

My dream the other afternoon during a nap about a caesarean gone wrong left me feeling like if I hadn’t fallen asleep, she would have been born safe and healthy and alive.

My sanity is lost and I have no clue where to search, and I don’t think I want to, because like I said, life hurts, especially when you blame yourself for things out of your control based solely on the fact that someone decided to place the blame on you when you were a child instead of accepting responsibility for their own child.

I have been a mess, I am a mess. I don’t know if I am coming or going and I have pulled into myself, far in because exposing the flesh wounds leaves me open to judgement and battle scars and frankly, I don’t have enough unscarred flesh left to successfully go to battle again.

So maybe I am throwing in the towel, or maybe it’s like the Mr. says and that I am not the cause of the problems, I just feel them and see them in a way that most people can’t. It’s hard to say, but I don’t know if I want to risk it. I don’t know if I want to get close to anyone or anything if all that I am going to experience is a painful hurt and a loss.

You see, you can build up walls instead of bridges to peace and you can be isolated and alone or you can build that bridge and put yourself in the cross hairs of the man with a fully automatic weapon. Maybe Trump is right with his wall. Maybe isolation is the best way to protect yourself, your body, your soul, your heart. Maybe if we all place that figurative wall around us the billions of emotions flying through the air won’t hit so hard, or at all. Maybe they will bounce off my imaginative force-field and leave me alone.

Alone with my thoughts, my anger, my depression, my sadness and hurt. Alone to wonder and hope and to pray and to hide. Alone to not love because if I embrace the olive branch then I am guaranteed that new pain will eventually follow.

Maybe some of us should be alone, because loneliness is what’s best for everyone.

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  11 Responses to “Build | Day 7 of 31 Days of Summer”

  1. You’re not a mess. You’re a hero. You have the sensitivity to see things others can’t. A gift that can feel like a curse. I have it too.

    And loneliness really, truly sucks. I know. It’s better for no one.

    #1 at FMF this week.


    • Thanks Andrew. Have you always been a sensitive or is this something you have begun to experience since becoming ill? For me it has been my entire life, sometimes I feel more, but that may be a lady thing… LOL

  2. Marisa, I like what Andrew said. Loneliness does suck. And, I hate that s word but I said it. I do not think you are the cause of those sad occurrences – you have a sensitivity because of your past. Maybe it is the gift of discernment? Have you ever studied that spiritual gift? Maybe you should. I love you girl, don’t isolate. DON’T. xo

    • Since i was a little kid, and i mean very little like starting to talk little, i have been able to “predict” deaths and other incidents. I have also always seen spirits. However, in the land of Christianity that has got me accused of witchcraft and other stuff simply for being me. So there are plenty of people who know about it and plenty who don’t. My son is the same as I am, if not more “powerful” and my daughter can feel where an accident or death has occurred etc. Road trips are always interesting because they will point out where someone died and how including vehicle and sometimes even the names. The youth pastor has called my sons abilities “creepy in an awesome way”. A recent example of my son is we were driving through town and he said to me “remember when this was a flour mill… i wonder why they shut it down?” i said “ummm no, i don’t remember because it was closed long before i was born” and he argued with me that i “had to remember” because he did.
      When I was in grade 7 the Ukrainian Catholic priest came to my class and took me out, we walked the school grounds a little bit chatting before sitting at a picnic table, where the chapel now is. He looked at me straight in the eyes and said “you are a natural ‘witch’ for lack of a better term and with that comes responsibilities, I am here on behalf of the church to ask that you seek God and do good with your gifts” My grandmother was so furious I believe he was fired! But, he was also very much right.
      I have come to learn that the Bible while condemning witchcraft or sorcery etc also speaks a lot about people who have premonitions and the gift of “sight” and it is not a bad thing or something that is condemned when used for good in the Bible. Unfortunately, though, people choose to believe verses that speak to them, and those are normally the ones that instill fear, especially of the unknown.

      • Go do a google search on: prophetic seer gifting.
        THAT is who you are. A Seer. See-er…

        • Thanks Susan. I have heard it called a lot of things. Anyone I talk to who does a lot of “energy work” and research says I definitely have psychic, prophetic and sensitive abilities. I have to learn to keep my emotions uninvolved in it all because it really does tear me down at times. <3

    • LOL Susan.. there are a ton of things that down right SUCK, but praise the Lord everything has an opposite!! So for everything that sucks there is something that is totally amazing!!

  3. Marisa,
    you, my dear friend, have been given a gift. It often comes with gravity, brevity, just like the Old Testament prophets. God spoke directly to them. They were His messengers! They were special.
    Their messages, however? Often were ill-received. “Don’t shoot the messenger” had to have originated in their day.
    I pray you will have joyful premonitions as well. Some good news you will perceive before it arrives.
    Some people will call it “deja-vu”.
    There is no answer for how you have dreamt or smelled with such vivid recollection in logical, scientific terms, but just as you cannot choose when these visions come? You cannot control what has or has not happened.
    Perhaps God is giving you the pre-knowledge that you might be His prayer warrior before they have even begun to try processing tragedy. That He longs to comfort others through you. That you will not fall apart in shock, but that you will have confirmation for them that He was with them at that moment.
    I think God wants to use you to intercede for your cousin.
    We pray along with you that our enemy will not discourage you, but that you will see God’s hand in this. Your cousin was not killed back then, and his life is not in vain, and neither is yours.
    Love you,
    Is there any question I was meant to be right next to you this week??

    • Thank you Tammy! Interestingly, I the priest who pulled me out of class told me this was something that ran through my family on my maternal grandmothers side. As I have become older I have learned that my grandma saw things and felt things the way I do, as do both of my aunts. My mom does not, but both of my children do. Perhaps the priest really was just a nut job, or perhaps he also was able to see in a special way and felt compelled to come to me before I committed myself!

  4. […] comments on my last post have lifted me up a lot. I am definitely still not where I would like to be mentally but I am also […]

  5. […] of people I thought I could trust and ask for prayer in were the ones I went to when I found out my cousin had another baby born asleep. Before anyone had even commented or offered prayers in the private group I was being tweeted about […]

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