Oct 312014

I have been thinking on this prompt for a few days and honestly it is hard for me. It brings up a lot of songs about break ups and it reminds me how many people in my life have left regardless of whether or not I begged them not to leave, whether through travel or death. It often feels the same.

I remember when my uncle moved away. He was like a dad as he was my neighbour when I grew up so he was always a second set of eyes and hands, showing me that men work hard to take care of their families, but then a few years ago he left after an ultimatum with his wife, she announced the house was for sale and she was moving out of province with or without him. He chose her and moving, and I really can’t punish him for making that sacrifice.

Yet in his leaving it was like he died.

I remember my Grandpa at the time getting old and a bit senile telling me that his son had died, then when I said he had just moved away he said “it hurts like he died”, as a tear rolled down his face. Heartbroken over so many losses in his life, broken by aging and being alone, and I could relate.

I could relate to things and people leaving too soon. Babies never making it past the first trimester, friends never making it past the first grade, cousins dying when then were only teens and me pulling away from life because everyone who I cared for left so it was easier for me to leave and not get hurt than it was for me to love and be the one shattered.

I hardened.

Now, I see that same trait in one of my children. So afraid of loss that they pull in tightly towards themselves, barely letting anyone in because if you let someone in you risk being hurt by them leaving. You risk a lot by loving.

Now that I am older I realize I would rather love and lose even though my heart continues to break than to be entirely alone, yet the people who I chose to love? They are long distance, far away, so if things don’t work out and they leave my life it isn’t a complete change. There is a hollow where they resided in my heart but my life can continue as normal.

I think if I really look back though I am the one who likely ends things or leaves first in most cases. It is just easier that way. I am learning and the love I receive as a result is beautiful.

Oct 302014

This isn’t the first migraine I have had lately. One could say that I should probably get my head checked with how often they are coming on. The worse part for me is the nausea and motion sickness. For it’s obvious reasons and because it reminds me of being pregnant –only then at least I am growing a tiny human so it is easier to accept.

I definitely think I have some baby fever going on. It seems like everyone and their dog is having a baby, unless they have six kids already, they don’t mention whether they have a dog, but most of those lovely ladies are expecting so it seems and part of me is wondering why I can’t join the ranks? Naturally it couldn’t be because I am in a long distance relationship and haven’t had the opportunity for a pregnancy to occur, and I definitely don’t think he would be as understanding as Joseph was when Mary was heavy with child. Plus, I don’t think angels do interventions for people who are lying so there is that. Mary clearly wasn’t lying or the angels of God wouldn’t have come to smooth things over with Joseph. All I can say is Joseph was chalk full of GRACE and yes he deserves all capitals.

Seriously, even today men struggle to stick around (not all men, but a LOT of them) and here he (joseph) is in a time where he could have easily had Mary stoned for being pregnant, a child herself at only 13-14 years old, and instead his first thought was to have an amicable but legal divorce that would leave her safe. Then that amazing angel Gabrielle comes down and he says to Joseph, “look, Mary is good! So good in fact that GOD CHOSE HER to CARRY THE CHRIST CHILD. She didn’t cheat. She is still a virgin. This baby is the SON OF GOD”, and Joseph? Well it doesn’t say anywhere that he thought he was delusional or had taken one too many herbal sleep supplements that night, rather it simply says that he said “oh okay, thanks for clearing that up. Not only will I obey you Lord BLINDLY but I will protect YOUR Son as if He is my own!”

Now, how totally wow is that?

Care for woman he loves pregnant with the Son of God? Check

Travel to Bethlehem for the census? Check

Help Mary deliver a baby in what was probably a pretty chilly barn? Check

Flee the country and move to Egypt? Check

What wouldn’t Joseph do for his family?! Such an amazing man and really this is one of the first true relationships we get to see in the Biblical texts that deals with fatherhood and that extreme desire to obey God and protect.

While I know there are many other accounts in the Bible of men being told by angels that they will be fathers, like Abraham, we don’t see so much of the blind faith. Even Abraham said to the angel “we are barren and now far too old to have conceived a child”, he believed in God but he still wasn’t sure if God could work miracles like this, he had doubt.

Joseph therefore, seems to be the first man to never doubt what the angels told him. Mary never doubted her role as this baby’s mama. They both simply praised the Lord and continued to obey.

What is Obedience?

The other night I was half watching a show on TLC and it was about a Christian family. One of the elder sons explained that obedience doesn’t just mean that you go and get the chore or task done, but you do it promptly/immediately. He had more to say about it but I really liked that because there are so many times as a mama where you have to warn your child that if they don’t obey immediately they will have consequences (like no wifi), and in reality, we should be training up our children to obey immediately from the start so that when we get into the more stubborn years they understand that if they don’t obey immediately that they not only are dishonouring you as their parents, but this also dishonours God as he was the one who tells us to honour our father and mother!

Congratulations to anyone who is expecting or has had a baby recently! I know that it is hard work especially for the mama but do your best to obey God “immediately” and everything will ALWAYS get better!

Oct 262014

Today Gracie’s paralysis has got worse. Her circulation is barely functioning in the paralyzed part of her body. The only way to keep her warm is to let her body borrow my heat. She can’t go potty and is refusing to eat. With the circulation and the inability to go potty the decision was essentially taken out of my hands. I have to put her down.

It breaks my heart to think of her being gone, to think that I have to let them kill her. I have lost so many pets before but this is hard, maybe the hardest loss I have ever experienced.

So today Gracie visited. She needed to be held all day so everyone got the chance to love on her and say goodbye. I am always amazed by how strong my kids are about death. It’s sad that loss is normal to them, but they love Gracie and I know that won’t change. Many tears have been shed over the last day and I can’t even begin to process. I don’t want to let go. I don’t want to say goodbye. I don’t want to fail her and yet I know that if I don’t end her suffering that I am being selfish.

Love hurts…

Oct 252014

Today won’t go down in the books as enjoyable. I woke up and went to let the dogs out and only two of them went. The third, my baby, Gracie, was paralyzed and couldn’t get out of the crate. I grabbed her and immediately went to the vet. Thank God for Saturday hours.

She had three or four vertebrae injured and causing swelling and all that great stuff around her spinal cord. Prognosis –Grim.

It is hard to see this little creature that you love with your entire soul, who has helped you heal in ways you didn’t know possible, break down at such a young age.

My arm and back are sore from holding her. Yet, I don’t ever want to let her go. I have hard decisions to make and none of them are good.

I love her, she is my little “pinky”, the dog who I sing “Gracie Jones eats dog bones” to and her tail goes insane. Though, I don’t know who she is right now, she seems defeated. So do I.

I know God will lead me through to make the right decision for her. He entrusted her to my hair five years ago and like a marriage that means in sickness and in health.

Oct 242014

I was never one for dare’s, though I have done some risky and very dangerous things in my life. I guess when you have a sense of immortality it becomes easy to forget your mortal side and you end up doing the down-right scary just for the thrill of it.

The dare that made me the most antsy was the #joydare put forth by Ann Voskamp.

Daring me to write Every. Single. Day. three things that I am grateful for, the end result? 1000 things to be grateful for over the course of a year.

I pulled out a notebook and a pen and began to write in January. I felt “behind” already because it was January 5th 2014 and I figured I couldn’t possibly catch up. Then, this crazy insane thing happened. I started to see things in the raw beautiful form that they are. Dust in the air as the suns rays penetrated no longer reminded me that the house needed cleaned, it amazed me how the dust could dance in the sun like that and I remembered back when I was about 3 years old. The house we lived in had windows with awesome morning sun and I remember waking up early with my dad on weekends and as the warm sun shone through the dust there would dance to, back then I tried to catch it, like it was magical.

God’s “magic” is in everything and it only saddens me that it took me this long to realize that something as simple as a joydare could change my perspective, my perception, my life.

Come May I had already hit 1000 gifts. Its nearing November now and I am still listing things in that same notebook. I am still counting those sweet blessings because that dust isn’t something to clean up, it is the magic of God’s hope, grace, and promise that eternity will be all the more beautiful.


Oct 232014

It only takes a second to look away, a glance that lands somewhere else and in that moment you miss out on what really matters. The smiles, the blown kisses, the wagging tails, the “I love you” whispered with the eyes.

Yet, we can look at God and never miss a thing, never regret a thing because He is the ultimate provider, making sure that our eyes are where they need to be so that we don’t miss out on those moments that flash before us.

We see in movies how ones life flashes before their eyes on an old movie real. All those moments wrapped up into one tiny life that means so much, that changes the world, no matter how long it lasted. Like those snippets of the past flickering on the big screen before us we get to see and experience all those moments eternally with God.

The smiles. The laughs. The goofy moments. Everything.

He give us the grace we need to blink, to sleep, to rest, to say not-right-now. We get to exist in the here and now and we can play it again and again and really look because He graced us with memories. He etched hearts onto our souls long before we ever took our first breath.

The trick though? The trick to look… is to actually see! To count our blessings one at a time. To do like the Christian song says and go inch by inch, row by row. Tenderly caring for it all, tending to His grace, so that we can truly see.

Oct 222014

I didn’t know what to expect when I was 16 and the line showed blue. I was pregnant. What I did know what that abortion wasn’t an option and neither was adoption. I always wanted babies but this was just happening far too soon.

I was sick, really sick and in and out of the hospital as a result.

8 days late and the baby that was expected to be early arrived. My heart not beating right and hers in distress. They said they had an OR ready and I said I had to push. She was in my arms 15 minutes later. I was a mom. I am a mom.

She is 12 now and I can definitely say that being her mama has been full of the unexpected and the oh-so-sweet. From her first words to the hug she gave me tonight for helping her with her math.

One thing I definitely didn’t expect in those early years was that every older lady who approached me telling me it goes to fast was right. It really does go too fast. I literally blinked and now I have this beautiful young lady who is in junior high and is managing her money and has her own phone and bills and quirks and a dog! A dog she raised from the moment he was born.

I didn’t know the love I would feel or the hurts I would experience, or the late nights of worry and long-winded prayers I would be speaking.

In a lot of ways she has raised me and this was the most unexpected thing of all. The books certainly don’t teach you that. They don’t teach you CPR, triage, time management, meals, allergies, broken hearts, bee stings, shoes hates a week after they were trending or the love and hate of pop-stars.

I should have expected all of it because I was a kid not that long ago, but now that I am the mama and not the kid the world is completely new and every day and even every moment can be entirely different from one to the next.

I am still in love with this little person and I expect I always will be. God gives us Mama’s a whole boat load of grace and when that ship sinks a rescue boat comes along with even more.


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