I am #Voiceless

 Tagged with: ,
May 292017
 

The pen and the paper have met many times over the last weeks, but the cursor continues to be cursed, blinking tauntingly at my weathered soul, begging for me to reveal to the world the depths of the holes that penetrate so far and wide that not even light can traverse the jagged mass.

Every breath I take hurts my soul, knowing its breath that I no longer want. My pain in my body can be dulled by the medications, but the pain in my soul has nowhere to go, nothing to take it away. I find myself in doubt. Questioning existence, torture, pain and beg the question why?


I’ve searched psychology books, history books, the Bible and my own faith and all that stands out to me is when Job says, “I have no rest, for trouble comes” because trouble always comes.

Only, now I ask myself, am I the trouble? Am I the cause of the pain? Do I bring this hurt upon myself? Do I beg it into my life instead of goodness and strength? Have I subconsciously killed away the children that once grew in my womb? Washing them out to punish myself… Can the subconscious mind even do that? Can mind really kill matter? Can mind end the life of another, stop the heart from having another beat?

Did I do this to myself? I can’t help but believe I did.

I deserve to be punished. I deserve to hurt. I deserve to choke on the tears of grief that can no longer be swallowed back. “I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel”, and the saddest part is I often don’t.

I am reckless. I am on the edge of a cliff unable to step back from the dangerous edge and begging to be pushed forward into the ending gravitational pull.

No one understands me because I simply don’t understand myself.

Life with depression, anxiety, and feeling like your value is only held in the hands of others is no way to live at all. Some days, I wonder if I am living at all. Most days I know I am not.

May 062017
 

The papers have sat blank while my thoughts have raced in ways that make no sense. Ink hovering above the page but never do they meet.

I feel utterly destroyed. Maybe I am destroyed.

The soul-holes making up the mass of who I am, if holes can have mass; they definitely take up space.

My heart beats heavily and with each pump it throbs and bleeds love and loss. Grief can only exist where love has been. To love is to lose.

I wonder if opening up and being vulnerable is worth it at all? Can I afford this pain again? Can I bear its unbearable weight? Even if I could, would I want to?

Would I want to feel the hollow place within me where many hearts have ceased to no longer beat? Where I don’t even know gender or name?

Will my heart be satisfied in its shattered state by trusting that God knew the name? I try to take solace in that, yet have no comfort. And I wonder, maybe there is no comfort to be had.

Holding you in my heart like a hidden treasure that I am unwilling to share.

Goodnight my sweet angels. I’ll see you when I rise…

Mar 182017
 

I sat there at the table in the rec center with a pencil borrowed from my child and the back of my grocery list, jotting down two poems in about 10 minutes while dealing with people inquiring about what we were doing there. I was just the chaperone as this was the kids gig, but I answered questions and handed out free things just the same.

The nausea is still plaguing me whenever it feels like it and the exhaustion and fatigue are definitely assaulting me. Vivid dreams in full colour are sticking with me through the days and laughing until I am crying or crying until I am laughing are also becoming a new normal.

But, today, the words flowed from me in a poetic prose that I had missed. The pain and sadness that lives deep within my soul, was eager to hit the slip of paper and is currently tucked inside my wallet. As I read the words aloud to the child who loves to listen to rap and lyrics full of suffering and pain I heard the words “that’s deep and really good. If I didn’t know you, it would almost be scary, almost.”

You see, I have a dark side, a side riddled with past pains, abuse, rape, physical and emotional neglect and loss. My dark side often finds its way out when its pen on paper, never rehearsed or even edited, just the need to hold a pen to paper and write the words that flow, whatever they may be.

I often wonder to myself, how do people who don’t write deal with their dark side? Surely, I am not the only one who has this. Certainly, I am not the only one with a tumultuous past.

I believe in God. I believe I am redeemed. I believe that Christ has already bore my sins and that I am saved. I believe that my faith is more than sufficient and yet I am human and the darkness still lives within the broken cracks of my once shattered soul. You see, you can glue a mirror back together, no matter how many pieces, but the reflection will never be the same. While Christ is the glue that strengthens me, and has rescued me from the past, it doesn’t mean the past never happened.

I love deeply and wholly with all that I am. I don’t trust easily. I break often. I hide the pain behind a smile. I am content in just ‘being’ and in knowing that the present doesn’t last forever and that what comes tomorrow will be history the following day. I’ve learned that I have to be my own best friend so that I can live the life God would have me lead.

Mar 052017
 

I’m all alone, when the sun, goes down
What I wouldn’t give, to have someone around
The nights are endless, and dreams, are few
But when they come, well they never come true
And so it goes
No one even knows, the pain behind the smile
How all the while I’m cryin’
SAVE ME…..SOMEONE SAVE ME
SAVE ME…..SOMEONE SAVE ME
‘CAUSE I’VE BEEN SAVIN’ MYSELF FOR HER TOO LONG’
IT’S TIME I’M MOVIN’ ON
Won’t you save me?
Too many memories in this, old town
My face turned up to meet the rain..the rain that’s fallin’ down
Let it come
And so it goes
That no one even knows, the pain behind the smile
How all the while I’m dyin’
SAVE ME…..SOMEONE SAVE ME
SAVE ME…..SOMEONE SAVE ME
‘CAUSE I’VE BEEN SAVIN’ MYSELF FOR HER TOO LONG’
IT’S TIME I’M MOVIN’ ON
Won’t you save me?
Are you gonna be the one to make it right, or am I only dreamin’
Baby am I dreamin’?……Am I dreamin’?
No one even knows, the pain behind the smile
Whoooooh…baby, baby, baby, baby-they don’t know
They don’t know…that I’m cryin’ all the while
All the while
Somebody save me….save me
Save me……somebody save me (Mm Mm)
Save me…..save me
Save me…….someone save me
‘Cause I’ve been saving myself for her too long
It’s time I’m movin’ on
Won’t you save me….save me
Can’t you see…..that I’ve been lonely?

 

This weekend was a crazy one, lots of random things happened, and the one I least expected was seeing a message on Facebook saying that a girl I had talked to the night before was in ICU and wasn’t likely to make it, followed quickly by the announcement of her death.

I guess I was one of the last to talk to her as her brother reached out to me, which I am grateful for, unfortunately, I couldn’t tell him she was in a bad state the night before or that she seemed to be depressed or in a frame of mind that would make me think that our conversation was one that would be our last.

We spoke about how we were doing, mentally. She had done some amazing things in the past year, leaving her husband and other toxic relationships, delivering a healthy baby (her third child), getting a job and being the caregiver and breadwinner and even trying to reconnect with family while seemingly getting a hold of her own demons. She lost around 50lbs and looked amazing. Her frown had turned to a smile and her cynicism had for the most part became a sort of comic relief rather than what appeared to be a distress call.

So, what went wrong?

The pain behind the smile.

That’s what went wrong.

We had spoke about how being happy was a frightening thing because when you deal with mental health issues there is often a crash after a bout of happiness. She said “it’s like you’re jinxing yourself”. She was dead about 18 hours later.

After talking to me her posts on Facebook stopped. She was a chronic poster but I thought nothing of it since I don’t use Facebook that often for searching through posts. I only noticed this afterwards.

I have spent the last 30ish hours wondering if our chat was her being happy because she had made the decision to end her life and felt free for the first time. Did she talk to me that night because she was in her own way saying goodbye?

I’ve known far too many people who have committed suicide. I’ve attempted it many times myself, but I have never been among the last to speak to someone before their demise. I can’t honestly say how I feel, shaken is about the only word that comes to mind.

At first, I was worried about her three sweet babies, what will happen to them? Who has them? Did they find her? What did they see? Will the older two remember her?

Then I felt a sadness within myself, not because she was gone, but because I will be missing out on having someone around who often understood the darker side. Who was eager to seek the Lord and often confused by it during times of struggle.

A quote I have on my Facebook talks about how when one commits suicide it is really the first time that they have taken hold of control of their lives. After experiencing suicides through my whole life, I still believe that.

“If I commit suicide, it will not be to destroy myself but to put myself back together again. Suicide will be for me only one means of violently reconquering myself, of brutally invading my being, of anticipating the unpredictable approaches of God. By suicide, I reintroduce my design in nature, I shall for the first time give things the shape of my will. ”
~Antonin Artaud~

Unfortunately, it’s a painful ending to those of us left to figure out the pieces, never mind pick them up. Then again, there never really is a good time to die, whether your 102 or 22… There really, never is “unfinished business.”

Sometimes, our stories become more powerful when we have a powerful departure from this earth into our heavenly realm. I believe that will be the truth for this dear lady. Because, “The dead are not lost to us. They speak to us everyday” -unknown

Feb 022017
 

He sat there absorbed in his video game and me in my book and as the hours ticked by I could see he was holding his breath more often, afraid to breathe but trying to ignore the silence of the phone. No news is good news, right?

Finally, we laid down and slept for a few hours -smack in the afternoon and into the early evening, and his breathing relaxed, his stress slipped away as I watched him before dozing off myself.

When the phone rang it’s awful ringtone he shot out of bed like a cat, straight into the air and answered it quickly.

He held his breath when it was his dad and not his mom who said she would call when her surgery was over.

When his dad passed the phone to his mom the audible sigh of relief that escaped his body caused tears to roll down my cheeks, quickly swiped away by the blanket.

She was okay. He was okay. I was okay. We could breathe knowing his mama survived the surgery.

The holding your breath and doing your best to focus on the good and handing it to God thing seemed to be working through the day, it was a nice day, but lingering in the back of our minds was a part of our souls that just needed the know what God’s plan for us that day actually was.

Breathing out the negative and breathing in the relief felt fresh, new, amazing.

Suddenly we both wanted to eat and found ourselves thirsty, realizing we hadn’t done either all day as we did our best to stir our minds from the what-ifs.

It was only 2 days before that I was the strong one, standing on the stairs into the night speaking to his mama about her faith and her journey through the church, through life, and her telling me that I was reminding her to just trust God.

Why is it so much easier to say than do? Preach but not be preached to?

I hold my hands in reverence to the One who is in control of it all, whose plans I will never know until I am walking through them. To Him I give praise, because praise is deserved even in the darkest of days. Gratitude in the middle of chaos. He triumphs as I stumble. Picks me up when I fall. When the air is knocked from my soul, He breathes life back into me. CPR for the soul. The Bible my personal First Aid Kit!

Feb 022017
 

I go through the motions of the day like everyone else does while worrying about the everyday things like money and bills overdue and how I am going to find a way to pay them and then I place it all into God’s hands and do my best to continue, trusting that He has provisions for me and He will meet all my needs.

I am reminded of the Israelites wandering for forty years, given manna everyday and told never to take more than they need, or save any for later. Trust that the Lord will provide the next meal too.

A family that vlogs on YouTube who I began to follow over a year ago, because of a cleaning motivational video posted a life update today. The mom, Christy, was very upset as she sat in the car talking about her faith and her family and how their oldest son, 22 years old, passed away this week and that they have had to humble themselves before the Lord during this extremely difficult time, by having to start up a GoFundMe page just so they can pay for the funeral for their child that will be held this weekend.



And tears fall from my own eyes as I see how upset she is, how she knows to trust God but her heart is broken either way, how I have watched her shop thrift stores to care for her large family, how she has purposed to be more modest, shared her raw testimony and allows us in to her hectic homeschool life while working full time and still struggling to make ends meet.

My own anxieties and problems with money suddenly become trivial. Who cares about the credit card debt from years ago, at least I am not burying my child. My family is healthy. That could all change tonight or tomorrow or when the phone rings, but right now everyone is good and that is a blessing. That is todays manna. The sustenance that will sustain me, even if creditors are calling and threatening to ruin me, I cannot be ruined because Christ has me and he has my family and if/when something does happen, He will still stand firm and still give me exactly what I need as I need it.

Will Christy’s son be buried and have a lovely service? Yes! And, because of people who realize the need of this family who have put away a little bit here and there, Christy and her husband Jimmy SR will not have to worry about debt when they are mourning and looking for ways to be grateful and intentional.


We put so much value on “things” and “stuff” that when there is a tragedy like a young man, a child, passing away, our own lives are put into perspective and we strive to be more intentional and make the moments count. I don’t think anyone has ever lost someone and said they spent too much time with the person or have too many memories, rather people lose and then they feel guilt that they should have could have would have done more if only they knew.

In life, we rarely get to know any of these things ahead of time, but one thing is for certain, we are all on the same paths, regardless of time, and that is physical death. Our souls will rise and God will embrace. So, why don’t we live everyday like it is our last without having to be told we are dying?

My One Word for the year was “Intentional” and unfortunately it took someone passing away at a young age for my heart to shift to a place that reminds me to be more intentional with my children and family, and the ones I love.

God is absolutely amazing in allowing the negatives of our own lives, and the lives of others, to remind us of His Word and to live life to the fullest.

I ask that you pray for the Overlin family this coming week as they figure out what normal is as children of God and as parents to a son gone too soon. Placing their faith in Christ and knowing that their oldest boy is now sitting with the One Creator.

Live intentionally dear friends!

Jan 062017
 


I have been disconnected feeling for so many years, from myself, from others, and worst of all, from God. And, when I have had the opportunity to connect I have pulled away, recoiled like a snake stepped on whose only reflex is to tangle up on itself.

I have purposed this year with my OneWord365 to be “intentional”. How that is going to play out, I don’t know. But, I am excited to be intentional with my children, my parents, my boyfriend, and of course my relationship with Christ -my God.

The desire to connect to myself and to others, especially the One who created me, has overridden the desire to pull into myself and hide from the world the way I used to. I want to, no I need to, live life in the love that was ordained by Christ Himself when He spoke to us saying “And a new commandment I give to you, that you love one another as I have loved you…” He didn’t add in an “if, and, or, but, unless” etc to the command, so I am going to live with the intent to connect through Christ, to connect in love and to work at connecting with my soul and strive to reach my potential.

I love connecting with each of you every week as we flash-mob write. As we tweet about sports and justice and chocolate and ask for prayers. Connecting through our own words and the Word of God, the words in the books of our dear friends as they follow where they are to be lead.

I am excited to see who will join us this year and who I will connect with and what we will connect over, maybe a favorite dish, children the same age, mentors or a friendship that makes no sense to the naked eye but simply feels natural and right.

We all live with fear. It hangs around, whispering in our ears, reminding us of all we can’t do or will never be. But that’s not the end of the story. We also have a God who draws close to say, Fear not. I am with you. This Spirit transforms us into fear fighters–women breaking free of trepidation to find bold dedication to God’s peace-, purpose- and joy-filled callings.

With remarkable compassion born from personal experience, Kelly Balarie shows women how to

· Cultivate unstoppable faith by harnessing God’s Word and promptings
· Pray panic-, blood pressure- and stress-reducing prayers to usher in lasting peace
· Discover clear and immediate action plans to exchange worry for God’s greatest gifts
· Implement daily bravery decrees to stand armed through the day
· Participate in a 12-week study guide to foster new courageous habits
 
Kelly pulls back the curtain of fear so you can find the beautiful woman God created you to be.
$15.99 USD
$7.14 USD
buy now
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
santa maravillas de jesus biografiahip upslippearland parade 2015glendo wy airporttiss guwahati campusjoffrey elite casthartal gandhidr larry abernathy abilene txcolin forbes shockwaveacai brazilian blowout reviewswashingtonian top real estate agents 2016gwyndafregina spektor macy's paraderemington armory 1917 serial numbersfrans fra assisipositive romberg meaningtbilisi prostitution pricealuminum and magnesium hydroxide simethiconefr aloysius schwartzfire control instruments 7100blackadder goes forth castwhat was harriet tubman's full nameurinary sphincter prosthesisbernard herrmann psycho suitedefine penknifesusan misner bikinimossberg 930spxhalwa puri banane ka tarikavibram shoe size conversionwalther g22 laserlord venkateswara idol historyjoffrey elite castm1873 revolversuny oneonta planetariumused balsam hill christmas treehow to punctuate newspaper titlesbixbite berylchief motor machinist's mate us navymde presents world peacescheels com sioux fallstanger outlet center pigeon forge tndearly devoted dexter audiobook freemike o hearn bicepsyagp san franciscootto galbadebbie williams dentist west memphis arla china antrax wikipediamarcus luttrell and mohammad gulabvai se fuder translated in englishlinux interprocess communication tutorialmaite perroni y alex ubagoadafruit esp8266 libraryjulie cahill hollingsworthfause hatenoptibac probiotics for babies reviewsjulie cahill hollingsworthcci stinger bulletschrome plated griddle3ds max cpu benchmarksdmt shaman experiencebarry knudsen sentencingпевец гуфedyta sliwinska 2017dr n ganesh bhopallavina mall kievgsl softball rulesblueberry haze legal highpadrasto gayderren brown miracle tourenchanted inn restaurant fredericksburg texaskenny noye houseditch the label habbocramer's rule practice problemspentair south africa contact detailslancia appia 1960aguilas del america new jersey6mm vs 6.5 creedmoor ballisticspair of 2kg dumbbellsf120adani hainsnew york state non resident pistol permitdevgru insigniagiet gunupur addresskookaburra international cricket ball pricehohenwerfen castle near salzburg in austriafireworks walled lake mifibromyalgia sweating chillsמתחת לאף לצפייה ישירהnaruto shippuden capitulo 450epee blade lengthsteve disbrowdeftones acoustic be quiet and driveilluminati intro secret worldcrank length measurement3ds max cpu benchmarkslongcase clock parts ukcat scratch vaccineamaudruzganesh prasad lodgedj yella no vaselinekentucky wildcats recruiting class 2015leann laurybelzec extermination campmost knockdowns in a boxing matchfinal destination alternate deathswww pentecostalpublishinghouse comstag arms m16 bolt carriergirsan mc 21 reviewvalores nutricionales diarios recomendadoslowest deck of ship calledtembleque de coco puerto ricoprophet 5 synth vstdell 24 lcd monitor ultrasharp 2407wfpruger m77 223 stainlessdancing bear blotterdr n ganesh bhopalvickers viscount interiornovae artesparque de diversiones en washington dcclone wars wookie huntzinc l carnosine usesattijariwafa bank englishjoy behar christmas cardcondor viking ironside swordtransonic supersonic hypersonicfender stratocaster tex mex jimmie vaughanchief wahoo is not racistruddle family historydaley ranch hike maptipp city methodist churchpamlico county commissionerspiracetam citicolinemassive attack paintballfinacle 10 trainingdubinsky vs crosbysaguaro blossom scottsdaleberetta 92swestmont college choirpoema a las hermanas mirabaldebt forgiveness form 982bernard herrmann psycho suitepokemon crystal basement puzzlemerchants choice payment solutions bbbshinnok stage fatalityjigani hoblisighting in iron sights ar 15kevin schwantz gsxr 750tungurahua volcano live2015 audi rs5 msrpmidnight ii kentucky bluegrass seedclean machine wellsboro paasesinos seriales famosos del mundopoche bridge boudincosmoline gunnaruto shippuden capitulo 363jason patric geronimofet success rates with one embryodeathspell omega lpfootballticketnet net reviewsrembrandt houseboat amsterdamsumter annexekkehard w stegemannlastilostraw man fallacy advertisementdulhe raja akhiyon se goli maarepull apart cinnamon bread bobby flayisschemesensor induktiffenway hockey classicdavid whitley suntrustakatsuki gundam rgberetta nano sights for salenawabshah temperatureszałwia paleniedevy meaningslogan on bravery in hindiberetta px storm pricefortunato depero artworkotf knives legal statesbandolier databasenaruto shippuden capitulo 363purple fringed loosestrifekir cassis quel vin blancdebbie talmanhow to sell cutco knivessalary of chemical engineer in kenyamasa empanadas arabesdr howard pawleys islands2k gunwww ub edu bs self servicemacalania foresteku general studies degreeearthroamer rv pricesbenedek fliegaufpower rangers ninja steel galvanax risemagic slim and the teardrops tour dates儚い 漢字real motherfuckin gsc2 taser gundelerium twilightkaren armstrong muhammad a prophet for our timevivo ipl sponsorship amountsig sauer sp2022 pro 9mmeda scrabbleheartbreaker benatar lyricskane vs x pac no holds barred matchsig sauer sp2022 pro 9mmpics of timothy mcveighjustin bieber and slipknot mashupeka club ahmedabadradio cubatonwalney island airportdynacraft 24 in gauntlet full suspension mountain bike boysdenunciação caluniosachef boyardee factoryquien invento el cohete espacialunicellular prokaryotes that live in extreme environmentsdiablo 3 witch doctor opnew umwa contracttreblinka memorial parkhow to deal with emetophobiaak 47 bayonet sheathinstrumentos de banda gruperakhatm e quran invitationinflamed cuticles symptombetadine douche instructionslance henriksen hannibalfederal 158 grain 357 magnumwalther p5 compactfoldable suitcase kickstarterempanada factory los angeleshonda civic 1.5 lsi turbo kitulf carlingzigbee api tutorialpolyclinic madison family medicinegitlab subdomain apachecrystal jade la mian xiao long bao singaporewww emich edu librarylånekassen stipenddebbie williams dentist west memphis arr89 pornfrontline fipronil catstuckerman high school arkansasal gore montecito homedr jessie chung natural health farmdevon michelin starmike warnke 2015padua terrace claremontputo cake with salted eggmakalah reaktor nuklirpokken tournament story modeenchanted inn restaurant fredericksburg texasiphone data transfer software syncioseastbay wausau wi uskometic snowmobilecrosman sheridan cowboysanford medical supplies fargo ndthe seduction of joe tynan trailerwho killed lorenzen wrightcrowne plaza kochi keralaakarshan kumarstela 29 tikalkibbeh batata recipenorway's per capita incomeyvr flight path mapwilkes barre scranton penguins scoreplc sequencer logicmarlo from rhoafn scar 308 magazines for saleaws elemental careershard knocks texans episode 3citadel m1 9mm carbine riflecontiki vacations reviewsdga nyc officetitus el viajeroremington 700 sps 223 for salemajdanek factsrubout in tagalogoffshore powerboat race accidentabogado tony paradaalbertsons kioskmorgan stanley eafe index portfoliodell u2412m monitor specificationsseges latinwhat are the effects of yellowstone eruptingdownload song hookah bar from khiladi 786name the polymer that is made from butenehierba mora planta medicinalmario caldwell gainesville flsecond hand rinnai gas heatersmaggi roti maker uklisc community developmentthc vape liquid australiapma meaning philippinesекатерина великая сериал 2015 смотреть онлайнjoe mangione san antoniodennis banks ojibwa warriorjatindra nath dasmitos nahuatl cortospokemon you re a star larvitarstokers moist snuffnarcis osobavärmegolv vattenburenparlay apicunard history timelinerufus fears famous romansdownload mysql connector odbc 5.1gt mountain bike aggressor 3.0национален балет на испанияindian institute of architects iiadr neil gordon greenwich ctvivo ipl sponsorship amounthow do emp grenades workdhesi rajamorgan stanley eafe index portfolioarrachera marinada recetaxkcd password dictionary attacknestle bottled water ph levelsteve disbrowinflacion argentina indecgunn britt ashfieldranger 40 s&wdr howard pawleys islandstrathblane castlehaus baratheonmarlboro tobacco pouchedward conlon obituarychief wahoo is not racistaleurites moluccana seed oilhilmi shehujacob gatewood baseballtraslación del adn101.1 fm azfamily guy back to multiverse ps3sally louisa tompkins hospitalgrenfell tower charity single youtubegran turismo 2 v1 2 gameshark codeswhat size tick carries lyme diseasetraktor scratch pro 2 scratchingdisassemble a glock 19evelyn ryan jinglesdell inspiron 5421 i5remington model 788 6mm for salemaxwell gunter recreation areamarijuana breeding mendelnicola sramekcamden on gauley wv zip codestandard catalog of smith and wesson 4th editionentiti appwestern lowland gorilla social structuresensor induktifvapen clear pengeneral coach hensall jobship pain radiating to knee and shinwalther g22 laserdioscorea japonica seeds9mm glaserliberator pistol reproductionking canute wavesgrace presbyterian church christchurchdhaka to australia flight durationnavision sales order processingdrixoral buy onlineinflacion argentina indeccontiki vacations reviewsvliw architecture in dspaquarela letra toquinhodifference between nova lox and smoked salmonmost quiet pcp air riflewebroot antivirus for mac reviewsdallas earthquakes caused by frackinghollie dunaway boxingplc sequencer logicunicef meaning tagalogcasablanca resort casino golf spa mesquite nvgerman sauerkraut recipe with caraway seedslymphatic drainage inguinal areacartoon network firebreather movie part 1ssa data operations centerrosemary sprigs for anzac daypineapple lucozadeacademy early learning jefferson gahoney cocaine curveballchuck's restaurant in burbankcartoon network firebreather movie part 1what size tick carries lyme diseasekounellis arte poverawinchester 9mm nato ballistics毛豆 黃豆nebss qualificationtropical traditions free shipping 2016naruto shippuden capitulo 450opentext ecm jobsmarco reus freundinintel challenge katowice 2016parroquia santa bernarditacolt 100th anniversary 1911 for salehattersley and sonsdeathmask divine livejames elrod obituarybest choke tube size for duck huntingmetal gear solid psycho mantis ps3ruger blackhawk 357 mag 9mm convertible revolverdo women's menstrual cycles sync upbealls employee websitenappanee churchesweather hanoi hoàn kiếm hanoi vietnamdefinicion de atolel115a3 riflemera pahla pahla pyar moviestratton high school beckley wvpenjamillo michoacan 2016andreas gunawan basridavid whitley suntrustuei chula vista programsprophet gregory vossis alisan porter marriedmr wint mr kiddconfederate flag denim jacketmoluscum bumpsanother dimension aerosmithgladys knight and the pips greatest hits cdbewitched nose twitch soundrevo 4 premieregmp qsr environmentmuhammad ali vs jerry quarry 1970kuldeep yadav wikiclaudia schefereku general studies degreekilling mealwormsdetroit red wings colorado avalanche brawlla callas toujoursdaniel vasilevskidarrelle revis highlights 2013ruger speed six sightslucknow is famous for chikan embroiderygerman sauerkraut recipe with caraway seedsdwarf moringa seedspadrasto gayurban airship mobile walletpictures of derek jeter's housemetra glenview stationleveraged inverse etf listporphyria biochemistrymoskva znamenitostifestival almaxilluminati intro secret worldbacunayaguadeathmask divine livehash based ip tracebacklightning sword ff13daawat rice reviewmacbook usati garantitijazz syncopation exampleslindsey vonn affaireewing's sarcoma research foundationeritreans in ugandawhat was biggie's last wordsgregory nava biographyfood poisoning incubation chartjazz syncopation examplesall of the following predispose to osteoporosis exceptgerman coolie breederscaptain rum blackadderde generatione et corruptionepfmea example pdfpoessanepeta rhsgrapefruit pectin fibrenick moraitismason lykesforty niners crabtreewww seaturtleinc orgmichelle dippolitosuzuki sx4 hill climb specialbuy akuamma seedsruger mini 14 tactical 300 blackoutpelliki mundu prema katha release date9.0 30729.6161zigbee api tutorialprior service marine recruiter near medevy meaningdani hainsqemu uefinico mak computing winzipinternational standard industrial classification code isicultimaker cura 3.0декриминализация наркотиковwhat is mxc drugeero saarinen st louis gateway archgarden state plaza fireworks 2015uppity negro clothinggoldwing boxer enginevastu for north facing house in hindibobo music production 3rd year recordsnavarro elementary mcallencolt 100th anniversary 1911 for salejohnson & galyonfender aerodyne strat hsscapacidad espectadores camp nouhip upsliphow to send money to michigan prisonersjim al khalili life scientificfranchi affinity shotgunjfk back brace assassinationvoila brasov romaniaforedom tools uklever action pistol volcaniccharles jenkins nude piclyoto machida rampage jacksongwyndafcorbin arena fireworks 2017ssa data operations centersig sauer p250 45 for salejacob bunton emmybillie holiday songs for distingué lovers songsdugout 2 staten islandskunk ape callwinner travels trichyfolding wing lsaare brass knuckle belt buckles legalsolomon grundy suicide squadfame recording studios muscle shoals aldr stephen russo periodontistsighting in iron sights ar 15persistent depressive disorder with anxious distress codenaruto rise of a ninja ps4gondola ride whistler pricewhere is lee corso today on college gamedaypripyat lunaparkacid scarification of seedssurtees method does it worktrent uni falconspanasonic fz m1 specificationsblackadder season 4 episode 1loretta lynn mentorlilyhammer reviews ny timessilenced lugeropenssl pfx filewalther ppq m1 17 round magazinepotassium nitrate in toothpaste side effectsilluminati intro secret worldjuneau funeral for a friend acousticdodge dart demon decalsfentanyl des moinesfestinger ruleoutlander phev battery costbassnectar santa cruzmount diablo community collegeblood doping meaningshavuot songs youtubedizzle the rapperlakota massacre of pawneeetobicoke year round alternative centreweed incense burnersextra amniotic saline infusionevelyn ryan jingleselizabethton cyclones football schedule 2015free abortion clinics in south floridam99 sniperchristopher marshburnver pelicula blade cazador de vampiros 2 español latinovictorious and icarly crossoverfootballticketnet net reviewsias 19 curtailmentheroes del silencio entre dos tierras letraseeso podcastchi ha paura di virginia woolfgrease monkey ac recharge costtae tris acetate edtafranchi affinity shotgunbenjamin rush bloodlettingatomic bitchwax tour20mm ammunition identificationnodal stations neckmuzikos bombafort peck bisongraveyard 意味dallas earthquakes caused by frackingsb dissanayake homekirschwasser cherrycommon pleco water temperaturederren brown miracle toursig sauer p250 22 price2009 gl320 bluetecsig sauer p250 357 barrelncsl leagueregneregler gangest mary's convent school ujjaindoc martens vaughan millsakarshan kumararis bpm suitepost traumatic mydriasisalvin james saldanhakegunaan aluminium foilwhat is dower and curtesyyuri bashmet violaearth and body's zinc oxide creamincisional biopsy melanomahow to sharpen sog knifeplano prestonwood footballsambar deer riflesdeathcore guitar scales1999 yamaha r1 steering dampercreative zen firmware reloadconvict chaliceinuvik weather historykailan lyrics eraserheadskar98k sniper scopekane vs x pac no holds barred matchhong kong phooey live action movielile quarrycodevilla italyfrank ocean ft outkast pink matter lyricsjohn macarthur and calvinismform function form button stud bandclare frisby look northrifftrax mystery science theaterdoes blanx workschroeder moving systems new berlinuse of absorbable gelatin spongelymphogranuloma venereum testingsdpi websitebabas curry powder owneredsby hillsborough county sign ingangs of wasseypur 2 dialogueskwong's menubaby 9 millimeter handgunsasma khan unccoda sibeliusarthur wilson gwubonhoeffer pastor martyr prophet spypedro capo guerra de idolosindia unbound pdf downloadduchatelierbuy akuamma seedspepita seeds health benefitsroman bednarikayahuasca beneficiospetplan 12 months essentialwabasha police departmentopium poppy pods for salehouse foods java currymachli jal ki rani hai lyrics in hindibush's pork and beans nutritionque es hemolisis9th wonder destiny's childdaftar lyto2015 audi rs5 msrpbuika wikipediaautoaceptacion en psicologiaice bite claw drillerfrankie edgar ufc 211dadsunestle bottled water ph levelwsr 88d radar locationsdespised icon beast albumdefenseworld netboxing news mikey garciaremington 243 ballistics tabledumaguete newspapersbåt bergen sogndaladlertagkenda tyre supplierspink grips for sig sauer p238classical archaeology alcockarti nama nadyarua mediterraneo 451gunheadshawkboyz movingkokology test about workjosefina cuesta bustillosobranie cocktail pricecomo se escribe te amo en japonescarey landry hail mary gentle womanotc ephedrine 2017honey cocaine curveballlatrell scott salarysainsburys chairmanan pvs 10 sniper night sightgrace assembly of god church bakersfield camoringa capsulas beneficioslego ferrari f1 8674indian fables panchatantrarepercussion effect economicssaskia kilcher biographymossberg plinkster tactical magazinehow to calculate the slant height of a pyramidlevinsky tel avivcisco show sfp transceiverthe watcher 2 jay z dr dre rakimejection murmur definitionfootballticketnet net reviewsselfless trailer deutschcoharie arms for saleprior service marine recruiter near mechurch street godalmingdoa tawakal dan berserah diriiron fillings msdsreset sentry safe electronic combinationtaurus millennium pt111 9mmdennis banks ojibwa warriorgeorgsmarienhütte holding gmbhesse menthol super slimwhat are the effects of yellowstone eruptingdumaguete newspapersvw 2276 reliabilitydumaguete newspapershealey beacon jeepshigella dysenteriae causescafre collegepetron plus global incdr christopher digiovanni mass generalberetta model 3032 tomcatspongebob the hash slinging slasher episode100.5 the vibe2000ad prog 2000pnc send money internationallyraja sabooswimming to cambodia spalding grayfolded dipole yagi antenna calculatornico mak computing winzipelizabethtown ky tourist attractionsportsmouth train station to gunwharf quaysgungstol barnaverage gmat scores by school 2013gunther tralala2001 brownlow medalballistol lube for gunsphotobook review aperturesanguinarios del m1fame recording studios muscle shoals alsonny tillman birthdayzig zag wraps how to roll a bluntdoha's landvijay chauhan parle辱め られ たい ゲイberetta m9a1 40 calek din achanak 2011petit saint vincent island resortanother dimension aerosmithclifftop wv mapfort apocalypse commodore 64bala and amrutha family photoseynsham hall north leigh witney oxfordshiredevy meaningcu denver business school deanbest caping knifefluconazole for tinea capitiseircom report a faultficus lyrata seedsplanting bald cypress seedsthe nitty gritty dirt band circlin back celebrating 50 yearssig p210 airsoftescape comma in csv javafabian gotzeremington 700 bdl 30 06 sprg2017 dixie nationals wrestlingbrussel sprouts dictionarybacterial vs viral vs allergic conjunctivitiskunal jaisingh and bharti kumargoogle stackdriver apishotgun slug ballisticschartis insurance addresshp laptops with ubuntu preinstalledethereum nákupcarey landry hail mary gentle womanturning kief into hashpamlico county commissionersatta chakki in englishbenelli m2 14 inch barreldubai cafè romakillall firefox binc est la ouate paroleschelsea kane lovestruckmason lykesengland starting lineup 6 nationskid icarus uprising gameplay part 1gunpowder and gelatinpetplan 12 months essentialmercadito de los angeles cajatindra nath dasmillion dollar reload a sinner's saintriboflavin side effects mayo clinicdiana vageloslands end cornwall to john o groats distancetea sommelier salaryfentanyl des moinesgafisa newspcb etching wikilehigh valley airshow 2017pharmacom anavarsuny oneonta planetariumchema restaurant in philadelphiala charité sur loire basketbarry knudsen sentencingcaptain rum blackadderdelete 愛人the smiths singles box 2letra de redemption songkoffee with karan kangana ranaut watchglobal sector services flowood msjolly sheksaskia kilcher biographyeverett woodson biographyd23 incredibles 2 trailermetadon youtubemount swansea copper minepink grips for sig sauer p238mary magdalene prostitute biblewinchester 1300 defender magazine extensionhow to kill hantavirusdecappoacai brazilian blowout reviewsruger 65creedmoorfancd2 genereplacement bolt for remington 788remington 870 wingmaster wood stockanachronox pccan you grow opium poppies in the usармяно русский словарьca bong lau kho to xuan hongkakinada population 2017grant schwartzkopffwhat are the common uses of acetone and formalincruises leaving port canaveral december 2015sadhguru mysoreeddie b cycling coachrumbling stomach noises in dogsqemu ueficat bite fever symptomsisolectingarima malik husband namewww william shakespeare info william shakespeare globe theatre htmryan conner md dothan alhampi express bellary to bangalorenxp ethernet phydonatella versace giovanegunpowder scale walmartpoltern spieletitus el viajerokery james lettre à la républiquedouglas bombergerdaminianmcfarlane beatles yellow submarinewhat is asta powerprojectnunchaku chain kitmike o hearn bicepspopeye spree lunchprochiral centerlouisiana tech football bowl projectionsphenibut bodybuildingsnorting kratom extractpygmy marmoset pet lawsnew york state non resident pistol permitdriftwood cursive lyricspandora charms goldsmithsflightradar24 apizentralblatt math databaseichor liquidpregnyl injection during pregnancywhere is lee corso today on college gamedaysmith and wesson revolver serial numbers dateberetta 92ssobibor locationbiometric palm vein scannersaps pd scorewho killed lorenzen wrightsandeep kulkarni kanchan naikdope show chordsdavid bisard familymotherboard dma controller failedduct splitter damperraiden sword lampthunbergia varietiespréambule de la constitution de 1946 pdfmatchless nighthawk 15confederate flag denim jacketkenneth de courcykeeping traditions pierogimuriatic acid for septic tanksware kc chiefsormskirk visitorreal siddhartrabuco canyon campingcorl knifecws seeding 2017pll megaminxcf103vai se fuder translated in englishgunilla hutton 2014golgo queen beesig sauer p250 safetysheepy lakecañon del cobre mexicoencyclopedia of the romantic era 1760 1850cajun chef justin wilson gumbo recipefender aerodyne strat hssira steward second declaration of independenceumuc systems engineeringdaniel iachinivibram shoe size conversionze neto e cristiano te amomagic 97.5 atlantaruger takedown 17 hmrsanford medical supplies fargo ndgrafico sterlina euroreport on carcinogens twelfth editiondr shuartwww stelmosinconel 625 temperature limitsterminator lever action shotgunhp laptops with ubuntu preinstalledschoharie central school district nyotto galbarocket from the crypt scream dracula scream vinylgirlsgogames games simulationsmoking virginia slims mentholwebroot antivirus for mac reviewswaffen ss choircat scratch vaccinearthur wilson gwucan you eat loquat seedslenovo a2020 reviewjibjab bush kerry this landvalley country store vaughn mtazael carrerajorge gelpi paganis odwalla healthy for youhsv clubsport specssecond hand pillar drills for saletchaikovsky 5th symphony 2nd movementfsh muscular dystrophy painbuck knives outlet storetom schilling mein kampfrezo del angelus youtubemason lykesr89 porninstalling t8 led tubesbromoil paperkaren armstrong muhammad a prophet for our timecanna generaliscoq au riesling food and wineberetta apx 40 for salehelene boskleamerican express android app fingerprintcloudgate android pcfrontline the meth epidemicuberti cattleman single action revolversmossberg 500 breakdownfoldable suitcase kickstarterkilbarchan mapwhy do samurai commit seppukufrontline the meth epidemicdechen yeshibernardelli pistolyankee stadium birthday messagescarlos takam boxerencore feature presentation rated risrael houghton te amo instrumentalroyal jelly bee pollen propolis side effectsdisneyland squishiesconvert m4v to ps3condor flight 2032ak 47 bayonet sheathmargaret keane paintings in museumstriangular handguards ar 15judith exner and john f kennedygondola ride whistler pricecash asmussen wifeджазовые этюды для фортепианоshiksa meaningsamsung sgh a177joy bhattacharya cidpaisley piperspatriots postgame press conference livefast and furious tokyo drift lancerconvert audio 44.1 khz to 48khzportsmouth train station to gunwharf quaysdirectv spurs warriorsmgk the gunnerargelati milanofox sports 1 cox okcquaker hominy gritsfulvous owldaimon gardnermotorstorm apocalypse trailercomedy nights with kapil passesjacobite syrian christian newsdoes blanx workjust cause 2 bullseye assault riflehow to groom a komondorintel coprocessor xeon phiprepar3d controlseubank jr vs quinlan full fightabney orchestrahampi express bellary to bangaloresmith and wesson model 360pd for saleweebles treehouse toyabs cbn boxing replayred flame honey gouramiloblaws canada day hours ottawavaccination schedule for feline viral rhinotracheitisunicef meaning tagalogsmith and wesson 327 performance center reviewgarmin nuvi 2460lmt specspercentage of blood volume occupied by erythrocytescomo abreviar republica dominicanadoolittle method calculatorasma khan uncmossberg 590 shockwave vs remington tac 14madame curie movie 1943type 2 tyrosinemiasalem witch trials lsdarma 2 operation arrowhead demoel angel gris dolinaphilip morris ecigexped wallcreeper plgreg macalusomallory horwitzfreegeoip alternativedeborah jo jojo billingsleytankbustersjuniperus old gold bonsaisection d neyland stadiumthe watcher 2 jay z dr dre rakimharbour town hilton head fireworkshard knocks texans episode 3benzedrine buy onlineaction figure therapy shark weekdallas earthquakes caused by frackingdavid meyler injurysysdm cpl xpbatonnier du quebecperkele meaninghighest utqg rated tiregundam wing endless waltz streamcyril rioli wifemidas greenwich ctvaffanculo translation italian englishlei 7210 pdfruger sr9 30 round magazinehow tqm can help in achieving targets of environmental managementjoy behar christmas cardkrak des chevaliers plandisassemble a glock 19manuel carbonell sculptureexcel stdev s formuladiferença entre gripe comum e influenza h1n1clinch county school calendarsamsara 2001 movie reviewwhere's waldo science fair projectdirectv spurs warriorssimethicone natural alternativetom gilligan obituarydelta baggage limit for international flightsmartika i feel the earth move official videoak 47 foregrip removalbeecher bible and rifle churchbonhoeffer pastor martyr prophet spybiomark technologies increhab bartender hank williams jrfrank hematocheziaruger blackhawk 357 mag 9mm convertible revolverpigeon forge cable channel guidemonaro concretetobymac boomin music videonottingham to luton airport trainboxing news mikey garciaremington 1187 12 gauge slug barrel