I don’t like the seasons of change that I am in. Yet I know they are inevitable. My daughter is heading to the highschool this year, she is only 12 but grade 7 and 8 here are considered junior high and its in the high school. I don’t like it. I don’t like that this baby that I remember so vividly birthing into this world a few short moments ago is already moving into the big kid school.
My life changed when I was her age.
I was raped when I was 12. Then I started junior high and I still hadn’t told anyone. I was doing things to numb the pain, I always had a boyfriend, was smoking, drinking, doing drugs (pills) and I would rarely go home. When my parents threatened me with councelling or moving out or taking something away I would just threaten suicide and take off for a few days. When I was fourteen I got pregnant and miscarried for the first time. I still don’t think my parents know about that.
“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven”
I missed a lot of school, but I always had a note from my mom, only my mom didn’t know it. I was a master at forging signatures, sometimes even throwing in a note from my dad to keep things real.
You see, when I was 9 my life was flipturned upside down. My cousin killed himself in our backyard. He jumped off a cliff. Somehow I noted that moment and while it still haunts me, while I still go to his grave and cry out and beg him why, I also have always been proud of him for taking that leap. For being willing to end the pain and be free for several moments before he would die. I can respect that. Maybe as a Christian I shouldn’t but as a person who has known more people who commited suicide than people who have died of natural causes it has become something that I am used to and respect and even understand because I have felt suicidal, acted on it, and just never died.
But that moment, when he died, it changed my family and I KNEW that it was a vulnerability that I could use and use it I did. They were so afraid of losing me, so afraid that I would follow through with my threats that they basically lost me anyway.
So, as my daughter enters into this same age in life I wonder if she is hurting inside like I was, and often still am. I wonder if she is hiding things the way I did. I have always been open with her but I know that a day comes where you stop being so friendly with your parents and you confide in friends, or worse, nobody.
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
~ Joshua 1:9 ~
I see so much of me in her. Except, she isn’t interested in boys, yet and she is very modest and also very “young”. She doesn’t have the traumas upon traumas to remember like I do.
So, I have all of her school stuff bought and I am worried about weird things, like, will this school accommodate her knee problems like her old school? Will they allow her to wear yoga pants instead of shorts for gym class? She doesn’t like to show off her body, not even her legs in shorts, she doesn’t HIDE her body, it’s a modesty thing, she feels at the ripe old age of 12 that the only people who should see her body are the doctor, family if she has an issue (like a woodtick) and her husband, who doesn’t exist yet. So yes, I am worried about yoga pants, and whether or not she is going to gain weight from not having recess or get lost in the halls of that big ole school or get picked on for being small or big or blond or shy or because she prefers healthy food over junk food… In JK she was picked on for bringing healthy lunches… in JK she had the courage to say she would eat what she liked, will she still have that courage or is my little girl going to change and follow the crowd instead of following her own desires for her life?
She is packed (literally) and ready to start and I am ready to order a homeschool curriculum to keep her home and safe and protected but alas, she doesn’t want to be homeschooled so I have to let her go…
I have to put my faith in God that change is for the better and that anything negative that she experiences will be flipped to show the positive because with God there is always an upside. He takes Satans poisoning and turns it into sweet nectar that heals. Yet, right now, I am sure that I am the one who is needing the support of God through this change more than she is.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”