Yeah so yesterday I didn’t write and I took a rest. I have been taking a lot of rests lately. Things are making me exhausted right now. The fall is always hard for me to navigate and I know I am doing a million times better than I have in previous years but I still can’t get out of the rut of things from the past. The fall represents miscarriages and losses and deaths and simply, pain.
Looking outside and seeing the falling leaves and the grey sky and blowing cold rain doesn’t help to ease the depressing feelings that rain down on the inside and threaten to drown my soul. I light candles each day to remind me of God’s light. The flick-flickering of a candle steadfast just like the One who saves.
Life has brought me a lot of storms along the way, from murders and death to living losses and everything in between. I haven’t had it easy and sometimes I feel like I have lived 1000 lives and maybe it’s because I have.
I think it is fair to describe my life as one storm after another or even one storm that just doesn’t end.
It is Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada. I have a lot to be thankful for. Thousands of things on the list that grows a little more each night as I snuggle into my warm blankets and write.
This year Thanksgiving dinner was different. It was at my aunt’s house for the first time ever and while snug we all fit, wine was drank and juice boxes passed around –before we found the wine that is. Beer from the local brewery was tasted and when I asked my brother if I could have a sip from his glass he said what he has said every year since he learned to talk “if you don’t backwash”.
Yeah, sometimes family never changes and most of the time that is a welcome thing to have. Same houses, same toys, same games played with cousins. Same dishes to look forward to and dread making and wondering how you got stuck with something expensive and difficult when someone else brought the rolls.
Yet, it doesn’t matter, none of it. None of the cost or lack of seats or place settings because we are together and together is where we need to be. Tonight, as we had our own family dinner the power went out just before anything was able to reach the stove. The only thing cooked was the ham. My son, brother and dad made themselves ham sandwiches because there was nothing else but salad made and the lack of power and the abundance of LED lights and candles made everything perfectly imperfect and right.
Because if everything stayed the same, if the lights never went out and there weren’t bumps in the road causing fractures and cracks we would have nothing to be grateful for. Nothing to cause us to want to pull near to the One who holds life’s map. Sure we missed a good portion of the Blue Jays game but instead we got to talk and just be in the presence of each other in the present and then suddenly aside from God you are realizing that He has given you the greatest gift –family.
So, maybe I have missed writing for a day or two, but that’s okay because I was creating memories and my computer was having a long nap. The wax of the candles has went down a few inches this past week and tomorrow the epic saga of the internet being down several times a day will continue and maybe come to an end as I wait on the company to finally fix it.
As I close tonight I am filled with hope. Hope in the Lord. Hope in the future. Hope for tomorrow. Hope. It is a powerful four letter word that begins with the Father.
As we hope in the Lord
We will gain our strength
We will run for miles
We will stand up straight
We will not grow weary
We will not grow faint
On the wings of an eagle we will rise