I have struggled for YEARS to know what my calling is. I have always believed that I would be a stay at home mom and homeschool and have a small brood of children because my grandma was 1 of 11, my other grandma was 1 of 21 and my grandpa was 1 of 7. My dad was 1 of 5 and my mom 1 of 3. So the larger family always appealed to me. Growing up next door to cousins and spending time with them on weekends and at school was always fun. We didn’t grow up blood, we grew up best friends. Which is something I always wanted for my own children as siblings.
However, that is not how my life has worked out. Yes I am a SAHM but we live with my parents and my mom really is the house mother, doing the large majority of the child rearing. I simply don’t feel like a mom, not the way I did when the kids were little and choices were mine and the house was mine etc.
I have looked into schooling but going away really isn’t an option because I can’t leave my kids and I am interested in so many topics that I could either be a career student or I could land myself in a field that would be fairly useless for the area we live in. Keeping the family together is important to me. Moving my kids away from their home is not an option and packing up my parents won’t go over well!!
I have felt a lot of calling to the Lord and to using my experiences of domestic violence and everything that went with that to bring the Lord glory. I have looked into taking classes along the Pastoral route but so far I haven’t been able to find a reputable course load that I can take online from a distance, which to me is God’s way of telling me it isn’t my calling, or it isn’t my calling right now.
Prayer has become a huge part of my life, and the biggest prayer on my heart right now is for a husband, not just any husband, but THE ONE that God created specifically to be in my life. My other half. Flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone. I still feel like at my age (30) that there is plenty of opportunity to have more children if the Lord chooses to bless me with more, but if he doesn’t I will have to figure out where I stand in life. What I can do, what I can’t.
Right now, I believe I am exactly where I should be. Learning more about myself, more about the Lord, more scripture, and, of course being a friend and mother to my children and encouraging them on their own journeys.
Recently (in the past year), I have been called to dress more modestly, I rarely wear pants anymore and honestly don’t miss them. I love feeling feminine and I am enjoying my body more now than I ever have in my life since purposing to dress modestly and in growing out my hair and stopping dying it and being content with what I have been given instead of trying to change it.
How has God worked in your heart through your life? Have you found yourself in a tailspin feeling confused or lost? I would love to know how you know when God is speaking to you and how you know when it ISN’T God. Please leave a comment and let me know!!