Oct 092015

Trust is hard for me. I trust God, but I don’t trust myself. I don’t know why. I just don’t. Maybe because of all the bad decisions I have made in my life or maybe because of all of the horrible places I have been or maybe because I can’t slide the scars off like I used to.

Trust may only be a five letter word but it can be broken into a billion pieces in the blink of an eye and can take a lifetime to rebuild.

I trust a few people. Not many. I hold a lot in because if the truth about me comes out then I am vulnerable. I am alone. I am persecuted and isolated and even hated and who wants that!? So I hold it in and then when it boils over it scalds like buckets of acid eating me away.

We live in a place that is supposed to be free and yet I have never felt more persecuted in my life. I can’t imagine a place where the persecution would be any worse. I am not Christian enough, I am not feminine enough, I am not clean enough, I am not tom boy or hunter or Canadian enough. I don’t follow politics enough and I support things that Christians shouldn’t and support Christianity, my faith, in a way that leaves people out too.

So how can I be trusted when I don’t know if I am coming or going? How can I stand up and say that I love God as much as the next person when I support gay marriage or I am not holding a picket sign? How can I be supportive of the Catholic school my child attends learning about Islam when we see ISIS beheading Christians every few weeks?

How do I trust that you aren’t some radical who is going to lock me away for my beliefs, or lack of? How do you know that I wouldn’t do the same to you?

The world we live in is a scary place. How can I trust myself to simply be me?

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  16 Responses to “Trust a #FMFParty Post { #write31days }”

  1. “Trust may only be a five letter word but it can be broken into a billion pieces in the blink of an eye and can take a lifetime to rebuild.” THIS. So fragile, and yet so necessary!

    visiting from FMF — Sarah Jo

    • Thank you for stopping in Sarah Jo! Amazing how fragile trust can be isn’t it?
      I can dislike and still love.
      I can forgive but not trust.
      I can move forward and not forget.

  2. You ask some tough questions, my friend! Trust is not an easy thing–especially for those who have had their trust stomped in the dirt. May the Holy Spirit continue to build you up and guide you as you make decisions and choices.

    • Thank you sweet Anita!! You are amazing and such an encourager! God is working in each of us every day and sometimes the growing pains are hard, but the growth is always worth it!

  3. Your post is so raw and real. I think that God is the best place for your trust. And, if you have a small group of people you trust, that is wise. Spreading yourself thin is not safe, nor is it a good use of your energy. Jesus only had 12, though he was ministering to thousands.

    I hope you feel safe and trusting in our FMF pocket. We love you!!
    (#4 in the lineup this week)

    • Thank you for this very sweet reminder that even Jesus only trusted a select few! I needed to hear that! I definitely feel safe and trusting in our little FMF family -all you sweet sisters (and a brother or two) are so dear to me and have helped me grow immeasurably through the grace of God.

  4. I love the questions you ask in this post! Love going there and the graphic alone just made it for me tonight! Thank you!

    • I have had a couple people say they enjoy the graphic. It shows us how fragile trust is and even if we glue or tape it back together, there will always be some fractures and scars. Life is crazy like that and as a result we pull closer to the One who we can always trust!!

  5. Trust yourself to simply be you. Yes! We all need to learn to do that don’t we?

    • Yes dear Tara we do!! Easier said that done though. Thank God for new opportunities to grow in trust through Him each moment of the day!

  6. I hear you…and I do know the feeling.

    For whatit’s worth, I learned to trust myself when I realized that those who were criticizing me were really talking into a mirror…they were attacking me to boost their self-image.

    It wasn’t about me at all.

    You’re in my prayers.

    #6at FMF this week.


    • Thank you Andrew!! I *think* my trust issue with myself is in trusting myself to choose the right people to place my trust. That is my biggest struggle as it has got me hurt time and time again -placing my trust in those who don’t deserve it and/or abuse it. Praying for you as always!! <3 ((hugs))

  7. My “trust” was about trusting your heart. So sorta similar to not being able to trust yourself. I get it.

    • Somer, Our hearts can so easily deceive us it is hard to think clearly past them at times! I think back on being a teen and being in “love” and how much I would do and fight and what not for that “love” and now I look back and that devotion while strong, was a joke that tore me apart and caused heartbreak, heartache and actions that I wish I could take back… yet, through it all, I have grown. So while hindsight has been 20/20 I don’t know if I would change it if I could because I wouldnt be who I am today without my heart leading me astray!

  8. I appreciate the realness of this post. It felt to me as if it were birthed and shared from a very intimate place, which ironically enough, indicates an underlying current of trust. I didn’t realize until looking at the graphic with the word trust torn in half, that right in the center of trust, is “us”. Thank you for provoking my thought today…

    • Thank you Tondra (I love your name btw), I *try* my best to write from my heart and soul even if it is a story that may be better to not be told, because we are all real and real women (and men) are reading this and if someone can relate and someone can be turned to God or comforted than my gory has brought Him glory!

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