Trust is hard for me. I trust God, but I don’t trust myself. I don’t know why. I just don’t. Maybe because of all the bad decisions I have made in my life or maybe because of all of the horrible places I have been or maybe because I can’t slide the scars off like I used to.
Trust may only be a five letter word but it can be broken into a billion pieces in the blink of an eye and can take a lifetime to rebuild.
I trust a few people. Not many. I hold a lot in because if the truth about me comes out then I am vulnerable. I am alone. I am persecuted and isolated and even hated and who wants that!? So I hold it in and then when it boils over it scalds like buckets of acid eating me away.
We live in a place that is supposed to be free and yet I have never felt more persecuted in my life. I can’t imagine a place where the persecution would be any worse. I am not Christian enough, I am not feminine enough, I am not clean enough, I am not tom boy or hunter or Canadian enough. I don’t follow politics enough and I support things that Christians shouldn’t and support Christianity, my faith, in a way that leaves people out too.
So how can I be trusted when I don’t know if I am coming or going? How can I stand up and say that I love God as much as the next person when I support gay marriage or I am not holding a picket sign? How can I be supportive of the Catholic school my child attends learning about Islam when we see ISIS beheading Christians every few weeks?
How do I trust that you aren’t some radical who is going to lock me away for my beliefs, or lack of? How do you know that I wouldn’t do the same to you?
The world we live in is a scary place. How can I trust myself to simply be me?