Nov 072015
 

I am simply tired this fall. Emotionally. I don’t know how to rest the soul and stop the ever growing soul-holes.

It is like I finally fill in a hole and trust and then Satan comes and pokes a few more.

It is easy to feel like Job, like God has handed me to Satan just so he can test my faith, see if I will break.

Yet, I wonder how much more shattered I can be. Is Satan aiming for powdered glass? Maybe turning me back into the dust from which I came –dust in the wind.

I wish I could fix everyone and everything. Yet, I am falling fast and hard and I don’t even know how to fix myself.

The scars on my arms ache to be cracked open for the release that comes when the blood flows and yet –I don’t want Jon to be disappointed in me. No, scratch that, I don’t want to break this 2 year chain and disappoint myself, which doesn’t stop the scars from calling my name and begging for a home –a place of prominence on sin-laden flesh.

Loneliness creeps in like the dark-blankets the falls evening sky. Everything has changed. Everything stays the same. In my own pain/sorrow I still beg to die.

Why?

I see soo many who just want another day. Another year. Yet here I am wasting the time I do have out of fear, out of loss, out of…

I wish I wanted to live and I wish I took advantage of every moment and I just don’t know how. And part of me doesn’t want to know because if I learn then I have to figure out a way to move on and moving on means I might forget and I never want to forget because that will always bring me back to pain, as sure as the moon pulls in the oceans tide the pain will roll in on a wave.

Maybe Satan/evil lives in me and we are glued together –one in the same.

I blankly stare at the download on my computer screen and know I’ve been waiting hours for it to finish and there are still 80+ minutes left. For a download that probably won’t even work.

The blueberry wax melt smelling good and also a lot like wax. I am candle spoiled –if that’s a thing. Something about the flicking light, the melted aroma and the warmth that petite flame ignites.

I am tired. Worn. Weary.

Lord, help me, please…

Teach me, and I will be silent; make me understand how I have gone astray
~ Job 6:24~

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  2 Responses to “Exhaustion. Depression. Holes.”

  1. Oh, Marisa….sweet Marisa, this just breaks my heart to read. It makes me wish so hard that we were neighborhood friends instead of Internet friends. I could invite you over for coffee and we could sit and talk. We could pray together for the weariness and sadness that you feel. I will have to settle for praying for you right here right now. I pray, Father, that you will be close to this sweet girl and wrap her in Your loving arms. Reassure her, Lord, of her worth and of Your love for her. I come against you, Satan, right now in the name of our Savior, Jesus. You leave Marisa alone…crawl back into your pit and tremble as you dwell on your future – that day you come face to face with Jesus and have to acknowledge Him as the Lord of all creation. In the name above all names I ask You, God, to lift Marisa’s eyes to where her help comes from…straight to You. Thank You. Amen.
    I want you to know you have a friend that is lifting you up on a daily basis. Love you.

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