I was held against my will for five years. Most people don’t know me unless you are close to me. I found out today that the head of that family, the cult-leader as we call him, died in the last day or so.
I feel torn.
I am happy that he is gone and I don’t have to fear him anymore because he can’t hurt me anymore. I know there are still several others in the family who can but he was the one who was in my face the most in the last almost 10 years of being “free” and the most threatening. So, I feel relieved and free, like some of those remaining chains fell off. Lighter.
Then the part of me that cares knows that the people who did love him, whether it was in a cult like atmosphere or not they have lost someone they cared about and the human side of me feels for these people who have experienced this loss because losing someone sucks.
I still can’t help it though. I can’t help but feel good and free and even elated. This is a funeral I won’t be attending and I am almost feeling badly for being so happy to be free of this burden that has weighed on me for HALF OF MY LIFE.
It is crazy and surreal and for me it is a blessing. I don’t have to worry about my children being in danger at school anymore, not like I used to anyway. I can feel confident walking into a store without being verbally assaulted and beaten right back down like a dog, the way they trained me.
Life has ended, but for the first time since I escaped I finally feel free.
His life ended and mine has just begun!