Aug 112016
 

I take a deep breath and point my bottom up in the air wondering how attractive THAT has to be and sorta laugh to myself how awkward yoga can look and how good it can feel. Even though I am not feeling well I decided to hit the mat and sweat it out and lift up my spiritual energy, centering it, refocusing it on the one who created me in the very beginning and saw that I was good.


It has been easy to be down over the last few months. I have felt a ton of pressure in the little things and a lot of slippery serpent heads slithering their ways into my thoughts and creating anxiety and fear, and a lack of trust. In the last session of Hello Mornings, which I have loved for years and even lead a group with Jen from Faith Mustard Seed in for several sessions. This intimate group of people I thought I could trust and ask for prayer in were the ones I went to when I found out my cousin had another baby born asleep. Before anyone had even commented or offered prayers in the private group I was being tweeted about it and my faith in a female lead church community collapsed -hard.

At the same time I had just finished a course in ministry and had received grades high enough to earn me a scholarship. I haven’t logged back into the site since to see what I would like to take, I haven’t even requested a copy of my transcript or diploma for the first course.


Women are supposed to be building each other up, for ever we have helped one another -raise babies, pray, stay strong in faith, cook meals for other families and even offered to help cook or clean for our female friends and acquaintances when they needed it the most.

We are supposed to be lifting each other up and instead this crazy world of social media, on every platform, has become a game of trying to be better or look better or take better photos or eat better foods or pray better. A game of my way is better than your way and the most beautiful of people from Facebook to Twitter to Youtube have worked hard to cut those life giving umbilical cords to the One who always loves and always pulls us up by showing us their ugly sides.

 

It is hard to not be pulled down when in the back ground they are spreading rumors, exposing your private moments and your broken-hard is exposed for the entire world to see.


I am having to remind myself daily as I check in with my soul that my faith in Christ has not changed, but my faith in humanity is definitely in question. It is so much easier to slam the laptop closed and keep it all inside, locked away inside the confines of my mind, but like the Queen song says “I want to break free” and in order to be healthy, I need to.

I am definitely on the defensive, my stress levels high and every one who I was trusting as my “church” community whether in real life or online has fallen into this line of wonderment where my PTSD is triggered and I have to ask myself “can I trust you?”

As I raise my hands up and breath in deeply and lift my heart I know that I am being held by God. And that is all that really matters.

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  12 Responses to “Lift | Women | God and Where My Faith Is #FMFParty | 19 Days of Summer”

  1. What a stunningly rw, powerful essay, Marisa. To me, you are nothing short of heroic.

    #2 at FMF this week.

    http://blessed-are-the-pure-of-heart.blogspot.com/2016/08/your-dying-spouse-192-ki-to-lift-fmf.html

  2. It hurts so deeply when your trust is trampled on by ones you hope will have your back. I am so sorry to hear of your experience. And it makes you wonder…what could they possibly get out of doing that to someone? It couldn’t possibly have helped them in any way. Prayers for you to land safely in a place of trust again!

    • Thanks Kadie!! Yes trust is easy to give but it can be so hard to earn back… I definitely forgive, but trust is a separate thing unfortunately. Thanks for stopping in!!

  3. Ouch. Your words remind me that before I share anyone elses’ news on social media, I need to go to the person and ask if it’s ok. It’s so difficult with all the instantaneous communication to know what each person’s boundaries might be. Rule of thumb: ASK!

    • I definitely would have been okay if the Twitterverse had been “Please pray for Marisa’s family” but I was utterly shocked to get tweets about the specifics I had shared in what was supposed to be a “private” group of Christian ladies who were there to encourage each other. The worse thing is the group leaders haven’t apologized and the person who shared it has not come forward, at that time I had not shared it with ANYONE or ANYWHERE else, though I did immediately after since it was already “out there”. Prayers are always welcome, things shared publicly are expected to be tossed around, this is the internet, but it really stung to have that info showing up in my Twitter notifications before I had even shared it in a public space. 🙁 Normally when I have something private I will DM Tara & Jen for guidance or prayer. Lesson learned, y’all are my people!!!

  4. Marisa, keep us in check PLEASE.

  5. so sorry that you got burned by people whom you thought you trusted. That’s is always so hard. I wish it would be easier just to rest in God and look to Him first and foremost but we don’t. Thank you for sharing your heart. Your neighbor. : )

    • Thanks Kristina, I know a lot of people would just let it roll off them but I have had very bad experiences with “church” so when I am involved in a female led ministry and before I am finished clicking on “post” and my info is being shared it really makes me re-consider the capabilities of ladies in ministry which is NOT fair, but the gossip is clearly bad, and it is horrible on every platform right now among women of all faiths. Definitely praying for unity. We need to stop tearing each other down and instead build each other up…

  6. So sorry that you were hurt in this way, Marisa. I hope the God of all comfort will continue to be your source of comfort and strength. Thanks for writing and linking up with FMF.

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