Until today when I asked what I thought was an acceptable question and the answer or lack of took the wind from my lungs and crumpled me on to the bed.
My eyes are swollen and full of tears that keep on rolling down my face. I am realizing how dependant I am. How easily I hurt myself and immediately I am lost in the present because the past is so vibrant and real.
Clawing my way out from six feet under. Nails ripped off and fingers bloody-raw as I inch my way to the surface and struggle in the thick dark air.
But it’s there.
In those moments that I am completely lost that I feel most found by God. His nail driven hands wiping my tears and pushing aside my wet, matted hair, asking me to press my wounds into His so that I don’t feel more pain.
I may be lost but in Gods’ hands I matter and can’t be shamed.