Jul 042016

I was up and washing my face when I heard the bells of the two alarms go off signalling it was time for me to take my morning meds. A week ago when I was told to write it on my hand and set the alarms I was less than happy, actually I was probably bordering angry but I knew I had messed up big time by basically quitting my meds altogether and being non-compliant. We had had this fight before so I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was. The word “MEDS” written on my hand like a child learning their address was somewhat humiliating, even though only he and I knew what it was for or why. No one else even asked. I must’ve washed my hands a dozen or more times that first day and had to rewrite it after every time. I was not about to cause another issue, not so soon after being scolded like the child I was acting like.

The following day I asked if I had to keep writing it on my hand and was told it depended on if I was going to remember my meds or not. I rewrote it.

Today when the alarms went off telling me it was time for meds I realized I hadn’t missed a dose and haven’t rewritten the word on myself since that day. The timers though? Seriously annoying, but a fight I am not willing to have, so they will stay because it’s a battle I won’t win anyway.

The life I live is interesting, to say the least, and I have heard many women say they would never be in a relationship that required their submission, but because of my past, I can’t imagine a relationship where a woman has free reign. Some would say I am being abused while others ask me why they can’t find a man who cares so deeply about their… everything. Taking on the responsibility of another person is huge, as any parent would agree, taking on the responsibility of another person who also has some health issues is beyond honorable. I don’t know what he gets out of it, but I am happy he has stood by me through the last several years of love and loss and of course my health. I know full well that without him I would rarely take my meds at all, I would be depressed, I would be cutting, I would be a lot of things that I am not because he has given me permission to embrace life rather than long for death.

It’s July 4th, 2016 and because I am not American it really holds little meaning to me, but we just had Canada Day on the 1st, which is the day Canada celebrates its birthday. I find it sort of ironic that we celebrate it in years when it has truly been here since the moment of creation. Instead of happy birthday, you are a few hundred years old it really should be happy birthday, you are a few million!

Man seems to place their own set of rules and value on everything, its sad in a lot of ways.

I saw a meme yesterday that said something like “I am renewing my passport so that I can travel across man-made lines in order to visit other humans.” And it’s so true. Why do we have boarders and need a passport to visit other people and experience other cultures. A drivers licence I can understand, its proof that you should know what you are doing while on the road and therefore keep people safe. It’s an education that most people achieve, but a passport is something anyone can get and anyone can use and that everyone needs if they decide to travel past those invisible man made lines.

The thunder is crashing down around and the TV has a blue screen saying “reconnect me” because the wifi was washed out with the rain. The hail earlier was interesting since it came down while the sky was still blue. There had been a chill in the humid air that was a sign that something was brewing.

It took two full hours for my comforter and sheets to dry but I am feeling super blessed to have a washer and dryer that are large enough to easily accommodate a big load. Had the humidity been lower it would have been finished in the hour it normally takes. Such is life.

After dinner instead of doing the dishes I crawled into a warm bath. I am fairly sure that my exfoliator is made up of extremely thick toothpaste, it even smells the same, but it works! And, smelling like good breath really isn’t a bad thing, right?

Laying in bed right now writing and watching Secretary on my computer since the internet is down and I am reminded why I relate to this movie so much. Definitely not a movie for everyone, but when you have lived the life I have it is often easier to relate to what isn’t considered “normal” than to what is.

I guess every one’s version of normal is vastly different and that is what ultimately makes each of us so incredibly unique.

The storm is still twisting violently and the sky sounds like a pack of ravenous wolves. I decided to do the dishes because well, they needed done and why wait until tomorrow when there is nothing to really do when the tv and wifi are out because of the storm. It’s a good reminder to use the time I have wisely. Its also a reminder that it really doesn’t take more than a few minutes to do a simple task like the dinner dishes when you quit procrastinating.

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