Writing for a full on 31 days is a new thing for me. Not that I haven’t created that many posts in a month before. Heck, there have been days where I have posted more than once. It’s the commitment that is new to me. It’s not like anyone is holding a gun to my head saying “write” but part of me feels like maybe a tiny Nerf gun or a water gun may be aimed the same way. Like if I fall behind one day I am somehow letting down this amazing group of people, all dedicated to this mission. This mission to tell our stories through writing!
Sometimes I feel new at so many things. At blogging, design, graphics, even being a normal functioning adult. I struggle with a lot of things because of PTSD and it definitely doesn’t go unnoticed – laundry needs folded and put away, or rewashed at this point because I can’t remember if the basket is clean or dirty. The new dirty pile on the floor has seemingly become a blanket and I wonder to myself how anyone can get everything done and keep things so clean and inviting when I can’t even maintain a shelf or two and some laundry.
My adolescence was stolen from me, so were my early adult years. I think a HUGE part of me got stolen with it. Being told what to do, how to do it and when was life. Punishment was switch and rationally? Undeserved. Yet, now I look around and I just don’t know how to blend in and make those decisions. It’s like I need someone to hold the reigns and lovingly guide me through this torrent of information and pain.
I tried to do like everything says and create a time management cheat and that worked for like a day. Meals at these times, this at that time, etc. It looked good on paper, but, I had no one to enforce it. I failed. This whole world to me is nearly 10 years old and at times I feel like I am still this young girl because I really just don’t know how. The big things? I got those! I can do big! The small though? That’s where I am lost and scared and full of guilt. Never feeling good enough even though I have this awesome father God who says I am plenty good. Who looked down from the Heavens after He created me and with all the grace that God has he said that I was good.