I have had a rough few days with my PTSD. I am feeling better today and actually found some real sleep last night instead of the drug induced kind.
I was watching Scandal the other night on Netflix and two new characters who were shown for all of 60 seconds screwed me up like nobody could. A series I have watched from day one and that has never triggered me before and in that 60 seconds I went from captive audience to ball of mess.
It wasn’t the show thought that messed with my head, it was the fact that the line that was said was written by a real person, and if the writer didn’t think of it on their own and found it online or somewhere else someone still thought it, some sicko came up with the idea.
You see, the line was something like “I am going to suspend you from the rafters and use a nail gun between the bones of your feet to hold you down” no, that’s not a direct quote, but that’s basically what was said. A nail gun. A tool for building houses at a faster rate, a tool for woodwork and shingles and roofing brought into the “game” as a way to torture and inflict pain.
That’s all it took was someone thinking that long enough to add it into a one liner in a show for me to unravel. This show is full of rape, kidnapping, torture… scandals, but they are all your basic everyday things that anyone can think of. Handcuffs. Locked rooms. You know, the stuff that makes up real life.
It’s the twisted stuff though that messes with me because I was hurt by the twisted and not the conventional. The bible was twisted to abuse me, to cut deep and turn the serrated edge of the knife. So when I hear or see that unconventional my mind flashes back to dangerous places. Places that almost killed me, people who only kept me alive because killing me would have been too easy. You see, when a cat plays with a mouse the game is over when the mouse dies and that’s exactly what I was –a mouse being tossed around by people who thought they were king of the jungle.
So, I freaked out when I heard this about the nail gun because it is something the psycho of my past would have done. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I was panicked-numb.
I will be okay.
I am okay.
Because God has this. God has me. He got me out of that mess and He spared me. He ended the torture and has pulled me along. I am alive because He created me to live.
I am not only okay. I am saved. I am redeemed. His law, His love, His Word are the only things that I need.
7 In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace