It isn’t always what we say but the way we say things that can either cut like a sword or encourage and bless us. Criticism can either be constructive or damning. Both of which can be remembered for a lifetime.
Being told you are hated or not wanted, even once, can lead to deep seeded issues later in life. In women this often leads to sexual behaviours, in men it often leads to drinking and drugs. For me, feeling like I wasn’t adequate made me have a NEED to be wanted. At any cost.
When I was twelve I was raped. Right there in the snow by a man who tenderly cared for me after, bathing me, calming me, confusing me, not only with his words, but with his comforting actions. It took me several years to tell anyone because the conflict was real.
When I was 15 I met a “nice, Minister’s son” or so I thought. Before I even knew it the words spoken to me were manipulated to suit the need of man, to reprogram my brain into believing that I was useless, unwanted, unloved, that I was a bad wife and I deserved to be punished, which happened to include being raped, beaten and locked up for the nearly five years I was there. Treated like property, TOLD I WAS PROPERTY and nothing more. After awhile what was being preached made sense and I understood that I was a brat and needed correction for God to love me, never mind man. I aimed to please, though, now that I look back at those years I am fairly sure I only tried so I wouldn’t be punished. Punishment sucked. Yet, why wouldn’t my innocent Christian mind believe what a Minister and his family are telling me? Especially when the Bible clearly says it and I just didn’t comprehend due to a lack of education on the Bible.
Life since then has been a major struggle. Not knowing who or what to believe or to take what is said at face value. My feelings are often hurt by triggers from the past that have nothing to do with the now and I still react. I still cry and mourn and I still ache down to my core.
I believe a lot of things, first and foremost in God. Instead of turning away from Him I made it my mission to read and learn and find the true truths that the Bible holds and not the ones that sociopaths teach for their own benefit.
I am pretty candid with my life and what I say. I want people to know that if I go quiet or get hurt that it is my past and that sometimes it gets to me while other times it has no effect. Most importantly I want everyone to KNOW that I am human. I am not standing in some pulpit claiming that life is great and perfect and all will always be well because I have Jesus, what I am saying is that because of Jesus and His grace in my life and Him being my crutch to pull me through what most don’t survive means that I am here for you. I want to know your story. I want to pray for you. I want you to know you are loved, unconditionally no matter what you have went through or done.