Mar 032016
 

Tonight I literally got side tracked more than I did party with the FMFParty people. I got dishes done, counters cleaned off, dishes done again, hair braided, dogs fed and put to bed, joked with my dd and reminded my ds to take his meds. AND I even managed to get in a tweet or two. I missed the news though about Kate so I will have to go back and read what is going on! Whatever it is I am sure it is awesome, because we always celebrate the awesome ways God is moving in our lives, our little community is beyond great that way. Sharing the news of Christ, even if we are experience a time of sadness or loss, is still worth sharing of His abundance of love for each and every one of us.

I am sure I could list 1000 gifts right here and now about all the gifts we have experienced in our FMF Family. From books to babies, boyfriends, new jobs, old jobs, ministry. Yeah we are definitely a blessed bunch, all in the name of Christ. All because of the news that day when the stone was found rolled away and the body of Christ was not there.

Was that the moment that Christianity began? Or was it during His time of ministry as He roamed the land? Perhaps it was when He hung on the cross struggling for breath and those who put Him there realized what they had done.

In the “news” we are seeing everything about the election and it breaks my heart as a Canadian to be seeing the sad injustices of whats going on in the states. The amount of fear and hate. Fearing others because they aren’t Christian enough, they have different beliefs, the “wrong color skin”. It breaks my heart that the leader of the free world may be the one who causes the most persecution, fear and hate.

I have had about 45 people ask me if they could come and stay here if a certain person is elected president. American refugees. I never thought that that would be a question, or that it would even be a joke, yet it is trending, and I am being asked. Thinking to myself, sure I have so many acres but where will everyone sleep, how will we care for them, will their government even let them out?

We are definitely in a world of chaos and uncertainty, but God is always certain and we have to trust that whatever comes on the earthly plain has already been rectified in His holy name. Because, by His stripes we (the world) are already healed.

Mar 022016
 

Exhaustion set in hard and fast in February. The flu wore me down and the exhaustion took me out. Napping a few times today leaves me with a to-do list that seems to never be to-do{ne}. As many people know I have been dealing with a ton of eye pain, like someone decided to give me a good punch. If you have ever had a sore eye you know how little you want to do and how sensitive you are to pretty much anything. It really is a new level of discomfort that comes in like a thief in the night and robs you of joy.

I saw the optometrist yesterday and he said my eye likely had something viral associated with my having had the flu last month but there was no inflammation or signs of anything wrong now, just discomfort that would have to go away on it’s own. A blessing to know that my eye pain is simply pain and not something threatening my vision, or a rampant infection of some sort that would require antibiotics to mess up my gut health.

Having spent so much time in bed over the past month I have watched several complete series on Netflix and have now restarted watching The X-Files and by, “restarted” I mean I watched season one when it first came out when I was like 8. It was something my grandma and I watched each week on her 13-inch TV set across from the table in her kitchen. We would watch it and play rummy and her heavy smoke would blow into my face. She would brush out my long hair and I would brush out hers. Amazing how a show like the X-Files can bring back memories of a time so long ago, when I was a simple child just chilling with her grandma as much as she could.

Another leaf just fell from the poinsettias set out from Christmas and I am reminded that spring is on it’s way. The plants dropping their bracts are also putting out new leaves, because where there is old, there will be new. New life.

I know this is me rambling away, but honestly, putting together a bunch of thoughts on one thing sounds tedious at the moment. Definitely thinking I should perhaps use a prompt instead of doing this journal style. Oh well. Not today. Tomorrow is our five-minute free write though and that is awesome, something to look forward too, to focus on for that short amount of time. And the chat before it, the FMFParty where we talk about chocolate and books and boyfriends and husbands and kids and chores and sleeping babies and babies that won’t sleep and so much more, because that’s what community is, that’s what friends are for and the best part is that we are on Twitter inviting the world in, because in Christ there is always room for more.

Hello Mornings also started this week and we are focusing on 1 Corinthians 13 and it truly amazes me how when we focus on a verse how quickly things pop out at you in such an amazing way, a way that I had not seen before. I am using Scripture Typer to practise memorizing the chapter and so far I have memorized verses 1-2. Doesn’t seem like much, but it is more than I knew last week and the message is so much more clear.

“But if I have not love, I am nothing” v2

Such a profound statement and so true, especially when myself and many Christians consider Jesus to be LOVE. I can easily read this as “but if I don’t have Jesus, I am nothing.” I love when the Bible speaks to my heart and explains itself to me in such a jolting way. God doesn’t always cause a personal earthquake to get His point across, but when He speaks, it is impossible to not hear!

I serve an awesome God. Enough said?

Feb 172016
 

The holes in my soul have been pulled battered raw and the words to speak are choked up in my throat causing me to drown on tears and fears while listening to my heart thump erratic and watch my veins pulse, begging for that crimson regret, orgasmic release.

Peace.

I am free. Maybe I should have started with that. Yet, at this time of year the bondage that once held me so tight grips my ankles and wrists with their phantom chains and life turns into fight or flight. My dreams are overwhelmed with the need to escape and I have to check the pill bottles and my wrists when I wake up to see if I had acted or if it was just another nightmare.

All I want to do is be productive. Check things off of the to-do list and go on with life like those 5 years never happened, it has been 11 years since my escape after all, but the thoughts don’t ever go away. Too many memories tied to that place.

While I yearn to write and vacuum and simply live my brain doesn’t want to remember and argues with my body to give in and sleep.

Random questions have been asked this week. How deep are my veins? Have I ever hit one? How much of ____ is lethal? I am not suicidal, on the contrary actually, I am really happy to be alive for the first time, yet those morbid thoughts from the past creep into my mind and I wonder how much grace God gifted me to keep me here -healthy, alive.

I may still be shot full of holes that penetrate my soul and scar tissue and scabs definitely cover some of those broken raw wounds, but my story isn’t finished. Isn’t told.

This year I don’t want to simply survive. I need to thrive.

And by His grace and through His love, I will.

Feb 112016
 

My goosebumps had stood tall so long that my skin felt as if it was covered in a million needles and the thought of air brushing over was enough to cause me pain. My fever was at 102.9 and Tylenol and Advil combined weren’t making it budge. Room temperature water felt like swallowing rocks that just wouldn’t stay down. I was in agony and for a few hours I wasn’t sure I was going to survive. I laid in my bed shivering cold with beads of sweat soaking my brow and matting my hair and my lips were moving on their own speaking to the One who created me. The One who had bore my sins on the cross and had already healed me.

By your stripes I am already healed…” rolled from my tongue between body aches and for the first time in a long time I was excited. Excited to be able to fight the flu with scriptural truth without needing to pull out a Bible or an app or a search engine. The Word just flowed from my tongue and prayer was spoken to God without second thought and I was amazed.

Amazed that how I was in such a limited place physically, barely strong enough to stand, while the Word of the Lord came out of my mouth as though it had been there forever. Maybe it had been. After all, He created me. “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” As part of His creation and His divine plan maybe His Word has been planted deep in me since the beginning and it just takes a little bit (okay a lot) of practice to get it to overcome the often easier sins that the world has to offer.

I never prayed like this before. I never knew that I knew as much as I did, and yet there it was and here I am less than 48 hours out with a sore throat and a fever that left hours after the prayers began. Atheists call it science. I call it God. Whatever the case, I learned that my knowledge of the Word isn’t limited by what I think I know or what I willingly acknowledge that I know. I learned that my knowledge has no bounds and that speaking to God without thinking about it was an awesome experience that I can only pray that others will get to share.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.
~John 10:10~

Feb 042016
 

The days are creeping into each other and I am losing track of time. I really hate things being hectic. By hectic I suppose I mean what normal people would consider an easy day. For me though, my anxiety creeps in when I don’t get enough time for me. Feelings of doubt, frustration, and an odd type of grief settle in and they land hard.

I pull back the drapes or curtains or whatever you want to call them and I allow the bright winter light in but the sky is still grey and my glass is becoming perpetually half empty rather than half full. Holding on to sanity seems hopeless and at times it’s something I don’t even want to do, sanity comes with responsibility. I don’t like that. I don’t like living in this grown up world. I would rather laugh like a child, sneak cookies and be overly dramatic -because it’s fun.

The sun has been hidden for so long and having been cooped up is a struggle, even though I am a homebody I love to go for hikes, sit out on the deck and read or write, lay on the trampoline and bask in the sun (or let’s face it, JUMP) and come this time of year having been able to do so little of that is simply hard. I miss nature. I miss the grass between my toes, climbing up a jagged hill just to see the other side.

Hope is definitely hiding on me right now. Its absence has me down. I know I am beyond blessed and I have no right to complain. My prayers keep being answered, Bible study’s are being done, and I know God has this and that He has me.

It is in the struggling to keep the demons out of my mind and life that steal my hope. I have to learn how to hope in the Lord and the Lord alone because He does not disappoint, He remains faithful -Always.

Those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

~Isaiah 40:31~

My word for 2016 is FOCUS and I feel like God definitely placed that word on my heart. I have been needing to focus on Him, on prayer, and on getting a schedule and staying on track, because when I don’t have FOCUS Satan sweeps in like a thief in the night and blindsides me.

Jan 302016
 

I woke up this morning and within an hour I had made tea, had a banana, washed the dishes from yesterday (wasn’t feeling well) and put them away, moved everything off the counter and wiped it down, cleaned the stove top, changed the trash bag and swept the floor and was working up a little bit of a sweat.

My muscles started to scream at me for water. I drank 32 ounces within a few seconds and remembered that I keep forgetting about me.

More importantly though, where was God?

As I guzzled water down fast the thought that God was searching for me when I wasn’t seeking Him was crossing my mind. Then, the words, “man cannot live off bread alone” slid into my head rapidly followed by fueling my aching soul with water from God’s well instead of my own.

It was definitely one of those moments where you are like “okay God, I am listening, I get the point. Slow down, take care of myself physically AND spiritually!”

As mama’s we forget to take care of ourselves and as children of God we tend to put our Bible studies at the end of our to-do lists instead of as part of our daily routine.

I have been studying the book of Ruth with Hello Mornings the past few weeks and it has been great, but today is Saturday and there was no reading for today, but God beckoned me anyway.

“Make ME a habit. Not a chore!”

So, I am going to focus on giving God the best of my day instead of fitting Him in.

How do you keep His Word on your tongue and have you heard God speak to you without any doubt before?

Jan 202016
 

Standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes while my girl reads to me the lost chapter she is writing for The Giver for her English class and I can’t help but think how much like me she really is. Only, this sweet child doesn’t know how to type very well and is growing increasingly frustrated because her typing isn’t able to stay caught up to the story in her head, giving her a case of writers’ block, which, I am definitely familiar with. I put the last dish to dry and wiped my hands and went and sat beside her at the table and read what she had, her paragraph cut short mid-way through and her having no clue where she was going with that thought because typing had hindered her.

I lean in close and she pushes her computer over to me and the story springs back to life, only this time my fingers are the ones bouncing up and down off the keys and she says to me with a bit of amazement in her voice “how do you type like that?” and she leans down real close with her face nearly on the table and her eyes staring horizontal across my fingers as they tap away and she watches me type, like she had never seen me do it in the 13 years she has walked this jagged line.

Within a few minutes her story is complete and she is proof-reading it, looking for spelling and grammar mistakes before I transfer it to my computer where software will do that. She edited away like she had done it a thousand times and deleted the odd sentence or paragraph that didn’t really make much sense and then I transferred it over to my laptop for a run through the software and to print.

I have been doing a lot of dishes lately. Yeah I know, I am a mom and that’s what we all say. But really, my mom normally does the washing up but I have been doing it the past month or so. There are a couple of reasons, one being that I really hate having dirty dishes in the sink and beggars can’t be choosers… I absolutely hate having to clean the sink to grab a glass of water or to fill the kettle but a family of five does that to you, even with a dishwasher, so I have been purposing to stay on top of the dishes just so I can save my sanity.

But you see something happened when I started doing the dishes. The girl child, she started sitting at the table while I do them. She comes out of her room and sits and chats, about everything and anything and that is the BEST REASON EVER to do dishes! She puts things away for me too which is also helpful, but praise the Good Lord for the 20 minutes a few times a day that she comes out and is simply with me. I enjoy our time together. I had no clue that we would grow our relationship over dirty dishes. Had I known, I would have started doing them more often a long time ago!

I am definitely a mom in the minority when it comes to having her kids do chores. They don’t have any designated chores. Why? Because they go to school from 8-4 and have homework when they get in and I don’t work outside the home and I would rather my children go to bed at a decent hour and worry less about chores and more about getting a good education, focusing on their grades. They help when they are asked and they often offer, which is fun because I get to see where they really enjoy doing things and where they don’t.

If my kids had chores I wouldn’t know that my son likes to work outside with my dad, especially when it comes to working on the tractor or anything with tools. I wouldn’t know that my daughter likes to cook, especially for me, and that she has a servants’ heart and takes great care in the things she prepares and how they look and taste, because once it becomes a chore, we treat it like a chore and school is a big enough chore for them right now and I absolutely love seeing what they have created or found while doing what they truly enjoy.

FYI my daughter is a bit OCD and does her own laundry on weekends and puts it away. Her bed is either completely unmade without a bottom sheet or made to the point you are scared to wrinkle it. My son is not a clean freak and is quite messy. He needs help cleaning his room and getting those types of things done because he has no clue how to even start, but if you say a wall needs built he’s in there like a dirty old sock (is that still a saying?) ready to help out!

I am so blessed to see some of the Proverbs 31 woman come out in me and to be able to, prayerfully, be a good influence to my children.

My daughter said tonight that her favorite song is inappropriate and my response was “sin is often easier, but it isn’t better.” I left her to think on that. Maybe we all need to think on that.

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