Oct 232015
 

I was travelling down this path looking for God in every place I could think to search, starting with the Bible and books written on the Word of God and then of course in the people who follow him and the people who don’t and somewhere along the messy path of papers tossed, folded highlighted and carpeting the bed and floors I realized that I had entered the world of ministry without even meaning to.

I was ministering to people through my blog, through my words because others could relate to the broken truth that I have experienced in my life and somehow that made us soul sisters in more ways than simply having Christ in common. I realized that church can be right here on my computer screen, in a Facebook group and on Twitter on Thursday nights, it can be prayers in a holding embrace in the grocery store shared among friends, it is dropping my son off at Youth group and keeping my eyes on the road as he points out the stars in the sky and explains to me which are burnt out.

God became my everything and I realized He is everywhere, in everything and I was sharing the joy I had found, because surely if He is faithful to lowly me, then He will be faithful to everyone else who seeks Him too!

I realized though, that ministry isn’t all smiles, it carries a lot of burden, pain and tears. My prayer list is a mile long and everyday someone else gets added, something else needs my energy, my focus, my bringing it to God. People don’t always ask for prayer
–actually, most don’t,
but they still need to be prayed for.


Without any formal training I have been blessed to minister to new and old friends. I have cried tears when cancer came back and stole a mama away from her kids, I have lost sleep praying with tears running down my cheeks -for the family who just lost their child, I have wept and rejoiced over successful organ transplants and offered comfort when they weren’t. I have given my honest opinion when asked. I have lost more friends than I can count and I have suffered silently while standing strong.

I have listened to stories told by elderly widowers speaking of their wives and how they met, got married and raised each other and then I have watched those same people wither away into dementia and heart failure and eventual physical death.

I have stood vigil over the dying and held their cold hands and prayed. I have made coffee and snacks in makeshift kitchens set up in hospital rooms for family who refused to leave. I have slept in chairs, I have lost sleep and made myself physically ill just so I could help someone to know they are spiritually well.

Yet, somehow in ALL of this ugliness there is a light and that light is Christ and I trust that He is guiding me just right, like the lighthouse protecting ships from jagged rocks in rocky seas, God is there always, perfectly, for both you and me.

I fell into ministry for a reason and I have no clue where it will take me or when, but I trust that God already knows and that He will use me in the ways I need to be used and I will gladly serve Him diligently. Ministry isn’t a 9-5, and for me it doesn’t even pay in dollars, but knowing that I have helped soul-holes be filled in and have been the one appointed to be leaned on is a task I do not take lightly. He is my strength, my refuge. Because of seeds planted in me years ago, He has grown around me, roots strong and protecting my soul.

Oct 092015
 

Trust is hard for me. I trust God, but I don’t trust myself. I don’t know why. I just don’t. Maybe because of all the bad decisions I have made in my life or maybe because of all of the horrible places I have been or maybe because I can’t slide the scars off like I used to.

Trust may only be a five letter word but it can be broken into a billion pieces in the blink of an eye and can take a lifetime to rebuild.


I trust a few people. Not many. I hold a lot in because if the truth about me comes out then I am vulnerable. I am alone. I am persecuted and isolated and even hated and who wants that!? So I hold it in and then when it boils over it scalds like buckets of acid eating me away.

We live in a place that is supposed to be free and yet I have never felt more persecuted in my life. I can’t imagine a place where the persecution would be any worse. I am not Christian enough, I am not feminine enough, I am not clean enough, I am not tom boy or hunter or Canadian enough. I don’t follow politics enough and I support things that Christians shouldn’t and support Christianity, my faith, in a way that leaves people out too.

So how can I be trusted when I don’t know if I am coming or going? How can I stand up and say that I love God as much as the next person when I support gay marriage or I am not holding a picket sign? How can I be supportive of the Catholic school my child attends learning about Islam when we see ISIS beheading Christians every few weeks?

How do I trust that you aren’t some radical who is going to lock me away for my beliefs, or lack of? How do you know that I wouldn’t do the same to you?

The world we live in is a scary place. How can I trust myself to simply be me?

Oct 072015
 

Yeah, there are those days where you want nothing more than to pull your child tight and close and never let them out of your sight or even out of the house again but you have to put your brave face on and reassure them that God has them and send them on their way because if you don’t get back up on that horse and ride you may pull into yourself and always be afraid.

Yesterday the phone rang several times with calls from my dad, upset and out of town, wondering if the kids were okay. You see, the radio, that big bad that breaks news that shouldn’t be broken until all the pieces are known, it went and told my dad while he was up on the bush roads in a semi doing his job that there was a gunman at my daughters school and that all the schools, well 6 anyway, were on lockdown and that they were doing an area search looking for…. Something.

So I went to that radio’s website to check the news and yeah, a 17 year old and another were in police custody and yeah it was because of a reported gun but everyone was safe and the lock down was still going on and they didn’t explain why.

I sat tight and prayed that my kids would remain save, that all the kids would, and that the officers and everyone would remain in control because really the only One with any control in those hours was God, and I couldn’t have been more thankful. I prayed that the other parents would remain calm and stay home where they wouldn’t further drain this small towns policing while they were doing whatever it was they had to do.

Then, I saw it, the police had finished and the schools were no longer on lock down, with only an hour left until they would be home I waited instead of running down to pick them up, but oh how I wanted to.

My son said that his teacher told them what was going on, which is something they aren’t supposed to do, but when you have a class full of 11 year olds who can be really hyper and disobedient when locked in a room with the shades drawn and told to sit on the floor and stay quiet for a small eternity you have to tell them the truth. You have to make the decision and tell them that this isn’t a drill, that they had been practicing for this moment since they started school at age 4 and now they had to use what they had learned and stay away from the windows and door and stay quiet because someone had a gun and they didn’t know anything more.

My daughter said that the school day started off normally, and then they were suddenly under a code red lock down. Meaning, even if you are in the washroom you lock the doors and you hide –for however long the code is going. She had friends who were locked in the washroom and had no clue what was going on. My daughter knew though, she knew that a 17 year old had come into the school and threatened the Vice Principle with a gun. She knew that the VP did what a lifetime of practice taught him to do and he managed to get the 17 year old and the weapon out of the school and the school locked down without getting himself or anyone else hurt. She knew that the police were there and that two people were arrested and she knew that the reason the police lingered was because they couldn’t find the gun.

When they did find it? It turned out to be a pellet gun, which yes of course it can kill, and it can instill fear like any pistol can and the mental wounds are often deeper than that of any calibre bullet can cause. My heart was happy though, the person with the gun had been arrested almost immediately and the gun was found later in the day in the walking trails outside of the schools. Everyone was safe. No one took a bullet. No one fired a gun. Everyone was alive.

And in that moment when the “news” broke that the lock downs were over and the police had left the schools a sweet hallelujah rolled from my lips as a tear rolled from my eye and the words “Thank You” stopped choked in my throat and I knew that the love of God could hear me even though I couldn’t speak.

Today, I think back on yesterday, which honestly seems like a very long time ago, and I wonder if this is what God the Father felt when He knew what Jesus, His only son, was going through and was going to go through with His skin still on. It had to be done. It had to be a lesson given and a lesson learned. It had to be fulfilled so that you and I could be saved from the bullet even if it hits us head on. Jesus wept, I wept too, and I am sure there were a bunch of weeping kids at the high school who weren’t sure if this was it or if it was all okay.

When Jesus inhaled deep on the cross and then exhaled that final breath, I surmise that is exactly how we all felt yesterday when the lock down ended, we could finally exhale – and though it wasn’t while hanging on the cross or while taking our final breaths, it was in a sense exhaling the old so that the new could begin because after something like yesterday the next moments don’t feel or look the same. Love has a way of staying the same while everything else changes and you pull in a little closer and you smell your child in and you squeeze a little tighter and you hand them back to God because He is the One who entrusted you to care for them and I have to trust Him right back.

I have learned a lot about love in the last 24 hours. I have learned a lot about life. I have learned that a single moment that doesn’t even make national news or past the local radio can change your perspective on life.

Jesus wept.
~John 11:35~

 

 

Oct 032015
 

The depression weighed heavy on my chest, panic setting in and I wasn’t able to breathe. I held the razor tight in my right hand as it slipped over and over and over across the flesh of my left forearm and wrist. Blood drip-dripping onto the bandage already laid out.

Fog in my brain covering everything, every positive emotion and separating me from God. The words of those who cared bouncing off of me like I had a force field around me that only accepted negativity and bounced away love.

Trapped in my own head. Blaming myself for the miscarriages and a billion other things. Feeling worthless enough to write in my own blood, scrawled across the wall, “God won’t even take me back”. Part of me knew that this suicide attempt wasn’t going to be successful. I knew God wasn’t taking me home. I was enraged at Him. I remember saying “if this is eternal life than I don’t want it!!”


I took rat poison, sleeping pills, medication to prevent nausea and chased it all with a bottle of rye. I meant business. I really wanted to die.

I needed the pain to end and that was the only thing I could focus on. The ONLY THING.

I remember my mom’s words echoing in my head when they found me “am I that bad of a mother…?” No mom, you aren’t…. I am just in that much pain inside and I don’t know how to let it out. I am scared to live, afraid to die and living in a world where the only constant is hurt. I didn’t know how to tell her that though. I didn’t know how to tell myself that either.

A few weeks later I sat there, in my own hell. All I remember is a nurse, Trevor, holding me down and sedating me. I was told the next day that I was ripping my hair out claiming bugs were in me and that I was a murderer for my lost babies.

The Lord of Life is My Shepherd

It was then that I finally got real help. Life began to turn up from there. Medications help, I sought out God and somewhere along the way through therapies and friendship I managed to realize that I was going to be okay –even when I feel anything but. The pain still comes, it overwhelms but it passes and I can be happy the next day. I pull near to God, I still take my meds. I pray that I never fall into that pit again.

I know a lot of people have had suicide attempts or lost someone from suicide. It is NOT your fault. It is NOT their fault either. You cannot rationalize with an irrational and sick mind. People who hurt deep down are experts at hiding that pain and wearing a smile bright, cracking jokes and laughing. We are chameleons who blend right in, and then when we are alone the darkness creeps in.

My family has a long history of suicides, on both sides, and I know firsthand the damage it does to the survivors and how it feels to be the one teetering on the edge. I had no intention of writing about this tonight, but it’s what flowed out. The fall is the time of year in which I have had all of my miscarriages so it is easy for me to get down. I am not depressed or suicidal right now, only thinking back on years past and praising the Lord for the medications and the therapists who have helped me overcome those rough years of my life. Without Him, I wouldn’t be. Had He answered my prayer and called me Home my children wouldn’t have a mother and my mother wouldn’t have a daughter.

If you feel depressed or down or have had these thoughts seek help, you may feel broken, but there is glue to put you back together again! God has this, God has YOU!

Oct 022015
 

I have struggled for YEARS to know what my calling is. I have always believed that I would be a stay at home mom and homeschool and have a small brood of children because my grandma was 1 of 11, my other grandma was 1 of 21 and my grandpa was 1 of 7. My dad was 1 of 5 and my mom 1 of 3. So the larger family always appealed to me. Growing up next door to cousins and spending time with them on weekends and at school was always fun. We didn’t grow up blood, we grew up best friends. Which is something I always wanted for my own children as siblings.

However, that is not how my life has worked out. Yes I am a SAHM but we live with my parents and my mom really is the house mother, doing the large majority of the child rearing. I simply don’t feel like a mom, not the way I did when the kids were little and choices were mine and the house was mine etc.

I have looked into schooling but going away really isn’t an option because I can’t leave my kids and I am interested in so many topics that I could either be a career student or I could land myself in a field that would be fairly useless for the area we live in. Keeping the family together is important to me. Moving my kids away from their home is not an option and packing up my parents won’t go over well!!

I have felt a lot of calling to the Lord and to using my experiences of domestic violence and everything that went with that to bring the Lord glory. I have looked into taking classes along the Pastoral route but so far I haven’t been able to find a reputable course load that I can take online from a distance, which to me is God’s way of telling me it isn’t my calling, or it isn’t my calling right now.

Prayer has become a huge part of my life, and the biggest prayer on my heart right now is for a husband, not just any husband, but THE ONE that God created specifically to be in my life. My other half. Flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone. I still feel like at my age (30) that there is plenty of opportunity to have more children if the Lord chooses to bless me with more, but if he doesn’t I will have to figure out where I stand in life. What I can do, what I can’t.

Right now, I believe I am exactly where I should be. Learning more about myself, more about the Lord, more scripture, and, of course being a friend and mother to my children and encouraging them on their own journeys.

Recently (in the past year), I have been called to dress more modestly, I rarely wear pants anymore and honestly don’t miss them. I love feeling feminine and I am enjoying my body more now than I ever have in my life since purposing to dress modestly and in growing out my hair and stopping dying it and being content with what I have been given instead of trying to change it.


How has God worked in your heart through your life? Have you found yourself in a tailspin feeling confused or lost? I would love to know how you know when God is speaking to you and how you know when it ISN’T God. Please leave a comment and let me know!!

Sep 232015
 

I have been following along the last three days with the study of Women of the Old Testament hosted over at IF Equip. So far we have been working through Genesis 1-4 and I have learned a lot about Eve that I had never considered before because she does have such a brief mention in the Biblical texts and aside from her being part of original sin, very little else has been said. Women simply weren’t big characters to write about in the Bible, even though they were huge characters to life, then and now.

Eve was a lot of things, she is the Mother of ALL the Living.
She is the very first woman created by God.
She was taken from man and created from his flesh and bone.
She was created to be a helper.

The Hebrew word for “help” as used in the KJV is `ezer which means “one who helps, support.”

God is the creator of all. He blessed Eve with Seth even though she had sinned and her son, Cain, killed his brother, Abel. This tells me that at some point between Eve eating the forbidden fruit and her bearing children, that she and God had some sort of reconciliation. Yes, He did say “in pain you shall bring forth children“, but He continued to bless her despite the sins of her family. He gave her another chance to raise a son after Abel was killed. As a mother I know you can’t simply replace a child, but I think it is fair to assume that Eve and God were on good terms.

It isn’t easy to be a mom. It is actually hard. But isn’t that what God had told Eve it would be like right there in the Garden of Eden before He removed them? Pregnancy is painful, hard on the body, and for many is difficult to even achieve. Then, birthing a child is something that simply can’t be explained. It is a miracle, and that is truly the only description you will get because within moments of the birth the pain is forgotten and love overflows and we are reminded that the work is only just beginning as our minds shelter us from the trauma our bodies just experienced.

I think it is important to note that when Adam and Eve ate from that tree they had been tempted by the lies of the serpent. Lies were already in existence in an otherwise perfect world where Adam, Eve and God worked in perfect harmony. No matter where you are, whether it is on the streets in the middle of a bad neighbourhood at night or in a Church on Sunday morning you will be exposed to lies and our relationship with God, our understanding of the Truth that is the Word of God is the only protection we have in being obedient to Him and in crushing that serpent down into the dust from which it came.

For me being a helper means that I encourage my family, and my friends in their walk with God. I trust that many hands make for light work and that there are a billion ways I can help, from prayer to standing in the mission field. If I am obedient to my calling I am being a helper, just as Eve was to Adam and to God.

One of the questions asked yesterday was “What does it look like to live at peace with God?” Simply put, I don’t think any of us can truly answer that because we are always being tempted by sin. I imagine it is a beautiful and loving feeling that we will experience when we get to Heaven, where pain and suffering no longer exists and we become helpers of His Holy Realm. We have all been given the opportunity to reach Heaven through the love of our Lord Jesus Christ and the cross.

The blood, sweat, pain and anguish up there on the crossed beams of a tree came so that my sins could be wiped away, my slate clean and fresh and new each day. I need not worry because I have Christ Jesus who has already saved me!

Finally, my last thought for today is that Satan is everywhere, but so is God. Satan lied to Eve and changed her perception. He never told her that God had lied, he spun a tale to suit his own selfish purpose causing her human side to stumble and fall into sin. Being cognizant of the world around me and the lies I am being told each day is extremely important to my life now and eternally. God’s Word can be (and is) altered easily by the one who wants to bring us down and yes, Satan is fluent in scripture and can play fast and hard if we let our guard down.

Sep 102015
 

It often feels like I am going in circles, perhaps I am, but there is always a reason for that whole déjà vu. Have you ever sat there and felt like you had been there, had that same though before, been in the same place?

When in the Word we are in the presence of Truth

I think that when we find ourselves in the “same” our Father is showing us what we missed the first time, or the first few times. Unlike Him, we don’t always grasp everything at first, maybe we don’t grasp it all ever.

All things have been created through Him and for Him.
~Colossians 1:16~

We are in His amazing presence. We are being taught and He knows how to teach us the way you teach a child, with repetition, with love, through the power of same, because He too has walked the Earth and he has taken the tests. He has been tempted by Satan and used scripture to say no.

Everything He taught was tested as He walked the Earth the teacher took the test!

He simplified life for each of us. Trailblazing the path to His holy realm through sameness, teaching us that not doing something because we don’t understand it isn’t an option, that obedience is the way – Jesus simplified it.

He handed us the golden rule and in that everything changed. The pearly gates glistening in the brightness of His light opened wide welcoming each of us who believe to walk right on through, not because we focused on change, but because we decided to be steadfast and learn from the power of same.

The One who made the world surely knows how it works!

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