Apr 042015
 

Even through the pain that my body endures there are countless things that I am finding to be good. I do my best to jot down my gratitude each day in a journal or on a sticky note or calendar.

Often times those moments of gratitude don’t list anything about God or Jesus specifically but instead are daily observations. Today I wrote down

  • Allergy meds
  • Naps

And for a change or maybe because it is Good Friday and it is on my mind I also wrote

  • Jesus being the sacrifice

How do you put that into words? How do you rejoice in someones physical torture so that we MIGHT be saved?


The story of Christ didn’t begin in that manger, instead it was born while on the cross. The cross had no magic, no miracles, only God wearing flesh, but we look at that cross and our hearts rejoice and feel sad all at once that this God of ours would be the sacrificial lamb and teach us all that is good and command us all that is love. Teaching us by being love in the flesh.

I often have a lot of PTSD triggers when it is a holiday and Easter is one of those times. When I was pregnant with my son I was thrown down the stairs because I dared to question my abuser about his dirty socks as we were preparing to go out for dinner. All these years later and I still wonder and worry and feel anxious about the past as if it is something that the future holds that I need to prepare for.

Sharing these memories helps. Lifting them up to Him so that they can be cleansed is definitely healing. I always have to remind myself that that chapter in my life was finished a long time ago and that I won’t ever have to deal with that again. I have to remind myself that Jesus saved me for a reason and my story needs to bring him glory.

Apr 012015
 

I haven’t felt much like writing lately. Actually, I haven’t felt like much of anything. I ate yesterday for the first time in a few days. I have a touch of a bug that had my sense of smell out of whack – even the bakery made me nauseous! {say what???}

Even though I am feeling crumby  it is sort of a nice thing because I still don’t feel as bad as I did every single day before I started Plexus. So if this is me being sick I will take it! First year since 2007 that I haven’t had bronchitis or pneumonia with multiple rounds of antibiotics, no coughing until I was sick and no migraines causing me to hole up in a cement bunker without electricity or sound {okay, my basement with everything unplugged and shut off}.

So yeah, I am definitely excited about Plexus and how it has helped me. I also did my weigh in and I am down 26lbs. That is crazy. 26lbs that I had gained because of medications that I won’t ever see again and that have made my clothes fit looser and has inspired me to throw out some of my “fat” clothes even though I am only about a third of the way down in this weight loss goal. I know that tossing those clothes and filling my closet with pieces I LOVE is good for my mentality and is a process in itself of healing. I never thought that I would be the fat girl, but that’s what multiple pregnancies and years of abuse and dealing with the trauma did to me.

I am excited for what the future may hold. I would love to have another baby or two or three or whatever God decides to bless me with and for the first time in about 10 years I feel like I have the energy to do this mom thing and to carry a child within my womb and go through the labor of love to hold a tiny newborn in my arms. I had thought that because of my weight I wouldn’t be able to have more children and that was a sad dream to die, but now, I know that if it is God’s will I can take it on and I will be healthy enough for it all.

Lacking Words

In lacking words to write and things to say I have found myself being creative in other ways.

101_0497I have been doing some art again for the first time in several years, some in one of my Bibles which I never thought I would do and I actually prayed a lot about because I had seen some amazing Bible journaling and I felt like that would be an amazing way for me to get into the Word. So I prayed “Father, is it okay to write in my Bible?” I have a lot of deep theological conversations with God like that. He said “Yes! If it brings you closer to me and puts my Word in you then YES!”101_0499

Turns out my art skills are definitely in the “needs to be worked on” department but the fun thing about art is that all you have to do is create and be in His Word. He doesn’t expect perfection, He wants intention. My Bible is getting highlighted and painted in and draw on and even glued in and I am excited to be in the Word in a different way than normal.101_0491

I also bought a sketch pad and have been doing some bigger Bible art journaling in it, nothing fancy because I don’t have the resources to do fancy but again the intention is to spend time in the Word and I am doing just that.

Planner Girl

I recently discovered this crazy exciting way to express myself and make my journaling and listing more fun and that is through the Planner Girl community on Instagram and Youtube; Using scrapbooking supplies to be creative and to make my journal pages more fun.101_0494

101_0495

I started today with an April challenge called Listers Gotta List and I enjoyed creating a pageabout where I am at right now and why. Again, my page wasn’t perfect or even really pretty but it had me use those much talked about Fringe Hours for myself to reflect and just simply enjoy. I feel much like a child cutting and pasting but those childlike moments are an awesome reprieve from the everyday ordinary, especially if the everyday is involving PTSD and pain.

101_0505

101_0506I have been sure to put my prayer requests into my journal each day as well as my gratitude because I have found one thing to be true for me and that is if I pray and don’t acknowledge when God has answered and how thenI don’t pray so often because I am missing out on the fruit that he is giving me in His answers.

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101_0509This past week I wrote down twice that I would like even just one day without my back hurting. So yesterday, when I didn’t need a single Tylenol I was full of Hallelujah’s! So often do we only see the hard things and overlook the good things, the good days. In doing so, we are missing out on God, because He is all that is good.

I am striving to see more God (good) and less Satan (bad). Today, my pain is there but not as bad as it was before. I know I am likely to have good days and bad but it is already 4pm and I am only now taking painkillers for the first time since waking up. God is good!

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Mar 122015
 

This week in the Bible I have been hanging out mostly in the Psalms because that’s where we are studying with the Hello Mornings Challenge. During our break I did finally get up the “nerve” to write in one of my Bibles. Taking down a few notes here and there and highlighting things I had in my journal. Then, the last few days I started to DRAW in my Bible. Something I NEVER would have imagined doing. With a Catholic upbringing I was taught that marking your Bible in anyway, even folding a page, was something to repent over.

So giving myself permission to highlight, write and DRAW are huge for me. I am definitely not the bravest Bible artist by any stretch of the imagination, BUT I am enjoying being able to flip through and see little pictures that remind me of the passage.

Psalms 61
For thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy”

In the side I have written “The Cross IS my strong tower”. What a tower of strength the Cross has been. As we walk through Lent remembering that Jesus suffered through these very days all those years ago, the pillar of strength that the tower represents becomes even more powerful. Jesus didn’t just DIE on that cross, he suffered and he bore that cross, he became one with the cross with nails hammered through flesh and sweat and blood so that I can be saved!

WOW!!

What strength and courage and love God has for us to sustain such torture just so that I “might” be saved! That cross overshadows the pain of the world and as I stand in its shadow I know that it is my tower or strength and that because of it fear has no place. God has already won.

Psalms 143
“My soul thirsteth after thee”

I shall not thirst is written in the margin and I drew a glass over the scripture. I feel like if “my soul thirsts after God” that I should NOT thirst after anything else ever again and that I should be fulfilled and satisfied by Him and Him alone!

Finally, I wrote what I took away from the reading in the bottom “Hear my prayer O Lord! In thy faithfulness answer me!” Yes! A prayer stuck right there within the words of the Word so when I don’t know how to pray or what to say I can simply read and pray and know that He hears my cry’s and He will answer my prayers in His perfect time!

 

Feb 242015
 

The cold outside seems to be moving into the house and is causing my bones to ache and my body to shiver. The indoor thermometer reads all of 58 and I wonder what the outside one must say. I think much of North America is dealing with temperature extremes right now and it is soooo easy to complain and can be so hard to give God the glory and praise when
everything seems to icy-bleak, a stark contrast to Gods loving warmth.

I am thankful though. Thankful that I have the ability to feel the cold because the nerves in my body are working right, thankful to look outside and see the sea of snow covering fields and trees and marshes alike, blanketing them in a glow from within that can only come from God.

Thankful that under all these feet of snow there are plants and grasses waiting for the melt so they can spring to life, reach up high stretching towards the heavens thanking Him for the nutrients, the water, the soil.

You see, everything gives God glory and praise; and everyone should give it just as freely as the earth.

A Psalm of Praise

Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands.
Serve the Lord with gladness: come before his presence with singing.
Know ye that the Lord he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.
Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name.
For the Lord is good; his mercy is everlasting; and his truth endureth to all generations.
~Psalm 100~

The good always flows, it always comes into our lives as surely as the moon moves the oceans waters. It saddens me when people I love don’t see the good in their life, the God in their life, the good news that can only be described as a miracle, a God-given grace, a second chance. I feel like grabbing them, shaking them and begging them to take off the blinders so they can see because counting your blessings and those small things makes the big picture seem glaringly bright, like an ad in Times Square glowing huge in the night.

GIVE THANKS IN ALL THINGS

A one liner that would turn heads, make people think and think again. Maybe for a second the rat-race would slow and they would look at their lives before picking up the pace again. Planting a seed that would grow to give praise.

I am praying and praying hard that the hearts of those who are scared of God, don’t know God or are blind to God will open up and find Him in all his glory. That they will hold him high and be happy in His loving embrace and the song on my lips sings “Holy, Holy, Holy Lord, God of power and might…” and my soul sings AMEN.

I need to finish things I start, trust that everything is possible with god Mark 10:27 and live an “Amen” life.

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