Jan 022019
 

My thoughts, my faith, my inspiration, they all change from day to day, moment by moment and I no longer have a specific focus.

Somewhere along the way, I lost my spark. I lost my way. I miss expanding my mind and my content into the corners of the literary world like I once did.

You see, when you’ve been through so much hurt it has this way of boiling up and over into ways that aren’t healthy and this life that had glimmers of hope and joy and direction seem to just go on the backburner. In a struggle between good and evil. I would love to say good always wins, yet in my life, it seems that the enemy wins a lot more often than not.

The scars that are hidden under new ones, and the new ones bandaged away to heal the best they can. The wear on my body hurts more in my heart. Somedays, my eyes don’t seem to dry at all, other days I need to bleed just to know I am alive.

This may have been the hardest 4th quarter of the year, or maybe even the hardest challenges of my life. I don’t know yet if I have won the war because the battle that lives in my head, heart and is entwined in my soul never seems to stop. I can’t tell if it’s a replay or real-time.

“I just prayed to a God that I don’t believe in” (Bon Jovi), seems to be a quote that my mind is tangled around a ton lately. I believe in the Word of God, yet I don’t feel the Holy Spirit in my life any longer. I want to cultivate that relationship and yet I feel silly because I am at this impasse where I don’t even know that my faith is in something that is real. I am like a child that is beginning to doubt whether or not Santa is real. I hate this about myself.

So, how do I begin to reclaim my life? My faith? My joy?

Where do I even look when the sadness and melancholy have been the only friends that never leave? Is it really bad to be comfortably numb? Who said going through the motions of life isn’t actually living?

I crave more. I need more. More of what? I guess we will see!

My word this year is JOURNEY.
I am on a journey of self-reflection, looking forward and seeking me!

Feb 022017
 

I go through the motions of the day like everyone else does while worrying about the everyday things like money and bills overdue and how I am going to find a way to pay them and then I place it all into God’s hands and do my best to continue, trusting that He has provisions for me and He will meet all my needs.

I am reminded of the Israelites wandering for forty years, given manna everyday and told never to take more than they need, or save any for later. Trust that the Lord will provide the next meal too.

A family that vlogs on YouTube who I began to follow over a year ago, because of a cleaning motivational video posted a life update today. The mom, Christy, was very upset as she sat in the car talking about her faith and her family and how their oldest son, 22 years old, passed away this week and that they have had to humble themselves before the Lord during this extremely difficult time, by having to start up a GoFundMe page just so they can pay for the funeral for their child that will be held this weekend.



And tears fall from my own eyes as I see how upset she is, how she knows to trust God but her heart is broken either way, how I have watched her shop thrift stores to care for her large family, how she has purposed to be more modest, shared her raw testimony and allows us in to her hectic homeschool life while working full time and still struggling to make ends meet.

My own anxieties and problems with money suddenly become trivial. Who cares about the credit card debt from years ago, at least I am not burying my child. My family is healthy. That could all change tonight or tomorrow or when the phone rings, but right now everyone is good and that is a blessing. That is todays manna. The sustenance that will sustain me, even if creditors are calling and threatening to ruin me, I cannot be ruined because Christ has me and he has my family and if/when something does happen, He will still stand firm and still give me exactly what I need as I need it.

Will Christy’s son be buried and have a lovely service? Yes! And, because of people who realize the need of this family who have put away a little bit here and there, Christy and her husband Jimmy SR will not have to worry about debt when they are mourning and looking for ways to be grateful and intentional.


We put so much value on “things” and “stuff” that when there is a tragedy like a young man, a child, passing away, our own lives are put into perspective and we strive to be more intentional and make the moments count. I don’t think anyone has ever lost someone and said they spent too much time with the person or have too many memories, rather people lose and then they feel guilt that they should have could have would have done more if only they knew.

In life, we rarely get to know any of these things ahead of time, but one thing is for certain, we are all on the same paths, regardless of time, and that is physical death. Our souls will rise and God will embrace. So, why don’t we live everyday like it is our last without having to be told we are dying?

My One Word for the year was “Intentional” and unfortunately it took someone passing away at a young age for my heart to shift to a place that reminds me to be more intentional with my children and family, and the ones I love.

God is absolutely amazing in allowing the negatives of our own lives, and the lives of others, to remind us of His Word and to live life to the fullest.

I ask that you pray for the Overlin family this coming week as they figure out what normal is as children of God and as parents to a son gone too soon. Placing their faith in Christ and knowing that their oldest boy is now sitting with the One Creator.

Live intentionally dear friends!

Jan 062017
 


I have been disconnected feeling for so many years, from myself, from others, and worst of all, from God. And, when I have had the opportunity to connect I have pulled away, recoiled like a snake stepped on whose only reflex is to tangle up on itself.

I have purposed this year with my OneWord365 to be “intentional”. How that is going to play out, I don’t know. But, I am excited to be intentional with my children, my parents, my boyfriend, and of course my relationship with Christ -my God.

The desire to connect to myself and to others, especially the One who created me, has overridden the desire to pull into myself and hide from the world the way I used to. I want to, no I need to, live life in the love that was ordained by Christ Himself when He spoke to us saying “And a new commandment I give to you, that you love one another as I have loved you…” He didn’t add in an “if, and, or, but, unless” etc to the command, so I am going to live with the intent to connect through Christ, to connect in love and to work at connecting with my soul and strive to reach my potential.

I love connecting with each of you every week as we flash-mob write. As we tweet about sports and justice and chocolate and ask for prayers. Connecting through our own words and the Word of God, the words in the books of our dear friends as they follow where they are to be lead.

I am excited to see who will join us this year and who I will connect with and what we will connect over, maybe a favorite dish, children the same age, mentors or a friendship that makes no sense to the naked eye but simply feels natural and right.

Feb 042016
 

The days are creeping into each other and I am losing track of time. I really hate things being hectic. By hectic I suppose I mean what normal people would consider an easy day. For me though, my anxiety creeps in when I don’t get enough time for me. Feelings of doubt, frustration, and an odd type of grief settle in and they land hard.

I pull back the drapes or curtains or whatever you want to call them and I allow the bright winter light in but the sky is still grey and my glass is becoming perpetually half empty rather than half full. Holding on to sanity seems hopeless and at times it’s something I don’t even want to do, sanity comes with responsibility. I don’t like that. I don’t like living in this grown up world. I would rather laugh like a child, sneak cookies and be overly dramatic -because it’s fun.

The sun has been hidden for so long and having been cooped up is a struggle, even though I am a homebody I love to go for hikes, sit out on the deck and read or write, lay on the trampoline and bask in the sun (or let’s face it, JUMP) and come this time of year having been able to do so little of that is simply hard. I miss nature. I miss the grass between my toes, climbing up a jagged hill just to see the other side.

Hope is definitely hiding on me right now. Its absence has me down. I know I am beyond blessed and I have no right to complain. My prayers keep being answered, Bible study’s are being done, and I know God has this and that He has me.

It is in the struggling to keep the demons out of my mind and life that steal my hope. I have to learn how to hope in the Lord and the Lord alone because He does not disappoint, He remains faithful -Always.

Those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

~Isaiah 40:31~

My word for 2016 is FOCUS and I feel like God definitely placed that word on my heart. I have been needing to focus on Him, on prayer, and on getting a schedule and staying on track, because when I don’t have FOCUS Satan sweeps in like a thief in the night and blindsides me.

Dec 272015
 

Picking a word for the year isn’t always the easiest task. Sometimes a bunch of words stick out to us. Two years ago Ann Voskamp touched me greatly with the word “eucharisteo” and that was my word for the year-without me even realizing it. I even bought the bracelet to wear to remind myself to give thanks and to live in thanks everyday.


Last year I had started so many things and never really finished anything properly. I was realizing that multitasking doesn’t always work and that I needed to finish things before jumping into a new one. I was creating chaos with unfinished projects and creating to-do lists a mile long that never got checked off. So, my 2015 word was “finish” as I just wanted to remind myself to commit and finish and to not over-commit to things because I want each project to get the best of me, rather than tiny pieces. My family deserves that, my pets deserve that, my home deserves that, I deserve that and most of all God deserves to be glorified by my actions -including my to-do lists!


For 2016 I have been looking around here and there trying to find the right word for me. I have seen so many awesome ones over the past year and I am always inspired by them. So, a few months back when I started to see the word “FOCUS” and remember that I had seen it I began to wonder if this was going to be my new word.


I have prayed over a new word and asked for God’s guidance and this word keeps finding me and sticking out like a sore thumb. I didn’t even realize that I was unfocused until recently when I was popping out of the #FMFParty chat and being sidetracked by everything from repotting plants, making snacks, and spending time with children. Over the past few days I have found this word in so many images and places and I have barely even been using any electronics because of the holidays. I am certain that this year God is telling me I need to “focus”.

Last year I also picked a verse for the year.

“All things are possible with God”
~Mark 10:27~

I haven’t picked a verse for this coming year yet. As some of you may know via Twitter, I began reading through the Bible chronologically about a month ago. I figure if I can stay relatively on track during the busiest time of the year than I have no excuse to quit during 2016. A TON of verses have been highlighted in my Bible already and I have also made several graphics that I have shared on Instagram and Facebook.

I am still praying about which verse I should really “focus” on for 2016 and have even wondered if my verse would stay the same!

May 102015
 

I have all these thoughts that often get listed in my to-do’s and then, I get side tracked. And by sidetracked, I mean hours or even days of putting something off to something else, usually something that is really pointless.

Like instead of reading a book like I would like to and need to I will end up watching YouTube videos of things I don’t even care about, at least not much. Not the cute cat videos or anything like that, though they can be distracting if they fill my Facebook feed. Please I beg you, stop posting cat videos!! That said watching how someone washes their hair is pretty much just as useless as the cats, because after all, I have had hair since day one. I know this because my baby pictures show it standing straight up on end!! Which means, I know how to wash my hair and really don’t need a video tutorial to show me how.

Then I check the views and I am like “wow I am only one in 400,000 who wasted their time watching this junk”, and I feel less guilty. I also feel a little sad for the people who feel the need to make these videos. Seriously, is it for attention or…?

You see what I am doing here right? I am totally procrastinating because right now I should be preparing my weekly schedule, reading three different books and preparing for Hello Mornings this week!

I totally wish I had tips to get past procrastination so I would LOVE to hear about yours!! How do you motivate yourself to do what needs done? How do you have that balance of cat videos (or whatever) and getting the larger tasks done?


Apr 282015
 

The bird woke me up this morning screaming mad. His reason? My mom was doing the taxes at the kitchen table, above our room which is NOT where she normally is during the day and it was ruining his schedule! After 2+ hours of him screaming she was done and then, you know what he did? He LAUGHED!!! Then, he had a nap. Because, after screeching for over two hours you get pretty tired.

I woke up and knew it was going to be a bad back day, the pain had already stretched like a belt too tight across my back, the swelling already setting in. Thanks to the bird alarm I was able to take some anti-inflammatories earlier than I normally would have. Which is a definite blessing on days like today.

I have the spring cleaning bug and that is HARD when your back is out of commission. Again though, it is a blessing at the same time. I am not taking out more than I can deal with at once. I am doing things in small spots and am not feeling as overwhelmed and I am being a lot more ruthless with what I decide to keep and toss, because what I decide to keep will need to be maintained and find a home and with a sore back am I really in the mood for any of that?

During this adventure of cleaning I have come to realize one thing. I am allergic to my dead Grandma. Yep, you heard me right. I am allergic to my dead Grandma. Every time I touch her things the smell of cigarette smoke makes my eyes water and my nose burn and I begin to sneeze. So, knowing now that her things that have been stashed in corners with me unwilling to let go has become easier because not only is her stuff that is relatively useless (like two dozen cans of buttons) to me, it is affecting how I use my space AND my health! Sorry Grandma, I am tossing your treasures and keeping only what I really love. It has been 12 years since you passed away and the smoke still bugs me. It is time to let those things go and keep the memories in my heart.

I also decided to toss my toaster and all my canisters from my kitchen, because I have lived with my parents now for a couple of years and I haven’t used those things and don’t have a kitchen of my own to use them in, and well, let’s face it – toast crumbs from several years ago probably aren’t good for anything other than attracting bugs. Goodbye toaster!! I am keeping my blender though, it was brand new. I am also keeping my microwave. Maybe I will set it up and make myself some popcorn when this is all done!

The point though? I am reclaiming my space because I have lived with boxes piled high for far too long full of things I likely never even missed (though, I did find a bag of clothes that I couldn’t find). I deserve to have a happy, clean space that reflects me, that is easy to keep clean, that doesn’t bother my allergies. A place to sew and do puzzles and read and blog and write and
scrapbook without having to worry about an avalanche of miscellaneous falling on my head.

As I have been purging I have been reminding myself that these things are junk and that if/when I need them that GOD WILL PROVIDE,
because God is awesome like that!!

When I am done this drastic clean up the plan is to actually FINISH the dry wall and paint, because I have had my living room set up now for about 2 years and have NEVER sat in it and it is cozy and comfy but the walls aren’t painted so it feels dark and dingy and I deserve better!

How is God speaking in your life right now? Is it on your heart that you deserve more? That God wants you to enjoy the life you have? Are you waking up for your day or to you day? I want to wake up FOR my day and enjoy every moment of it!!

Registration for Hello Mornings is open this week and my group, Invisible Illness – Perfectly Created for His Glory is open to new people! If you suffer from an illness or are a caregiver then come join me as we travel through the life of Joseph during the six week study starting next week! Taking your life back starts with giving to God, because, whatever we give, he has promised we will get back in return. If you don’t have an illness but would still love to join in feel free or find a different group on the Hello Mornings website! Remember registration is only open this week for the next study!! Hope to see some familiar faces!

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