Jan 252015
 

If you resist the monotonous you'll miss the miraculousDo you ever feel burned out, burned down and like whatever you have written probably should be burnt?

I do.

Some days staring at the cursor on the screen or the blank page in my journal can cause some sort of physical pain that I can’t quite pinpoint. I love to write. I love to get my thoughts out as they are happening, so when this happens I tend to be tense, bottled up for one reason or another. Usually, it is something I am not aware of, at least at the time.

Lately I have been feeling just like that, while my thoughts are boiling over in a desperate eagerness to escape.

Yeah, they are right there at the surface yet there are no words, or so it seems.

I never did understand HOW I can have so much on my mind but no words to express it! Are my thoughts not filled with words on their own? Why do I feel those words are not good enough to make it to the page without some sort of profound way of gathering them together?

The first poem I ever wrote was titled “Seven”. While I don’t recall it or have a copy of it anymore it was my catalyst for my writing and my love of books. I don’t consider myself a writer but I guess anyone who writes, even if it’s for themselves is a writer, a wordsmith.

I have felt like I am not fulfilling my word for the year, FINISH. Simply because I am not writing the way I had been. Finishing the day with a blog post and/or a journal entry was always something I have done, so right now I feel behind.

Then, my verse pops into my head and it tells me that “all things are possible with God” (Mark 10:27) and I am reminded that I don’t NEED to worry about what I didn’t do yesterday because I have right now, today, tomorrow and as many days that the Lord wishes for me to have in the future.

And, if my fingers hit the keys and begin to write and my mind doesn’t second guess each letter I tap then I know that my mind if flowing freely and I am speaking from my heart. In filling up the pages I am really drinking in the Lord and the blank pages become a physical metaphor for the soul-holes that the words, His Word, fills up and I heal a little bit more.

Sure I wear a thousand battle scars and will likely wear a thousand more but with God, I know everything is okay. I know that whatever I put in I will get out.

One of the sermons I listened to today was talking about being fruitful and fruitless and how both will lead to painful pruning. However fruitfulness and faithfulness are inseparable and our drive is to be fruitful (Gen 1:22). If planted in the right soil we will always experience fruitfulness in our lives. The key to change is staying the same. <-Tweet this

So I write, because that is a sameness that has worked for me for as long as I can possibly remember. All that painful pruning that I have gone through allows for greater growth, better, stronger branches, more fruit. These times of painful pruning the Lord is cultivating me for the future that I do not yet know!

“Life may make the cut but God is holding the scissors”
~Pastor Steven Furtick~

 

Jan 112015
 

I woke up today to my little man saying “mommy are you awake?” to which I replied “no, why?” and he said “it’s okay, I can wait”. So I got out of bed and he wanted to borrow my mouse for the computer to play his game. He had already had a long day by the time I crawled out of bed, had went to hockey practice and was home before the sun breached the horizon.

That same voice said to me in the mid-afternoon hours “will you come to my game tonight?” and how can you say no when your child asks you so sweetly. So we went to his hockey game, he and I in the backseat and my parents driving. They played, and lost for the second time this season.

It is rare when a team never loses, but these boys play like one mind, one entity and that is amazing to watch, even on the two games they have lost. They don’t give up, they don’t give in. They play clean, they play hard, and they play well. They are a family.

A bunch of boys all playing because they LOVE TO PLAY and not because anyone is demanding they do.

I wish that I could have that spark for something in my life, a spark for cooking and cleaning and waking up early doing things because I want to and not because I have to.

I miss living a life I love. I miss loving the life I live.

I look up through the starry cold night and the red flash on the phone says that we are under an extreme cold warning and all I can think is how much it has warmed up over the last week or so and I know deep down that I am right where I am supposed to be and the only spark I need comes from God. The only spark I need is the light of our Lord.

I know that God can bring that spark back if I keep counting my own One Thousand Gifts and if I keep focusing on His word and striving to be a Proverbs 31 woman. Those things make me happy and happiness and all that is good comes straight from the One that is good, perfect.

As my one word for the year reminds me, I need to work hard to finish things because finishing and reaching my goals makes me feel closer to Him and then I can see the forest through the trees and I know that “all things are possible with God”.

Jan 082015
 

I started to write this on something else but the computer crashed and it didn’t auto save so I am going to go with that post wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t welcome.

What makes you feel welcome when you enter into someone’s home? For me it isn’t a spotless house where I am uncertain if I should place my glass down somewhere or if I am even allowed to drink it outside of the kitchen sink.

The mess welcomes me. It feels like home. It feels like if I spill red wine (which I don’t drink) on their white rug they will tell me it is fine and hand me a roll of medium quality paper towel to wipe it up with. Not saying I am happy with a pigsty but to me a house with kids playing and Legos to step on and cookies transferred from a bag to the cookies jar is welcoming because I don’t feel like I have to compete or like I am not good enough.

The feeling of being welcome isn’t in the music playing or what’s on the TV or if they have set out some sort of spread. Feeling welcome is being in the presence of someone I love enough and who loves me enough to overlook the mess and see the beauty.

Tonight I began to read (again) You’re Already Amazing by Holley Gerth and a few pages into chapter one I found myself holding back the sobs crying, realizing that all that stuff that I am not, not organized, not pulled together, not a busy body etc isn’t an issue. God created me to be who I am and as long as I am striving to be His child and live according to His plan for me then really I have nothing to feel guilty for and that, that made me bawl my eyes out right there in the welcoming waters of the bathtub. I couldn’t even continue to read through chapter two because like the conditioner setting into my hair I needed her words to set into my soul so that His word could cradle my soul and guide me right.

It always amazes me how much being told I am “good enough” affects my emotions. Clearly this is something I need to work on. My word for the year is “FINISH” and my verse for the year is “All things are possible with God” –Mark 10:27

This year is the year to finish with the past, tighten up those loose ends and live in a state of welcoming more God into every aspect of my life. After all, the only place I want to be welcome is Heaven and according to God (who makes no mistakes) I am already amazing!

720605: You&amp;quot;re Already Amazing: Embracing Who You Are, Becoming All God Created You to Be You’re Already Amazing: Embracing Who You Are, Becoming All God Created You to BeBy Holley Gerth / RevellMany women are tired. Tired of trying to do more, be more, and have more. With busy work, home and church lives, it’s easy to feel like our spiritual growth gets short-changed. But what if God is already pleased, more than pleased–totally head over heels crazy about us and our hearts regardless of our mistakes and crunched schedules? If it’s true, that big load we’ve been carrying feels lighter already. In You’re Already Amazing, Holley Gerth wants readers to know that they can lay down the burden of their own, and others expectations, and embrace who they are as beloved, talented women. Rediscover the gifts you’ve been given and the life of purpose that God has for you.
Jan 072015
 

The cold penetrates deep into my achy-bones and I try not to cry.

That wicked wind blows, a white out in the night sky, the moon-full the ground majestic glitter and through the pain I think “once again He paints the sky just for me” and for a moment the evil that rattles in my vessel folds as the magic truth rushes into the soul-holes and steals away my steely hard breath and finally I breathe for the first time in a long time – holding it, refusing to let go, not wanting the world to rush back in.

Feet grow cold on the cement and I am grounded in place, minus 40 winds scraping the rough off my face.

Exhale.

The pain runs back in and a hushed whisper escapes my lips “and He bore all sin” my eyes reaching up to the stars and beyond knowing He is right here with me and without a word I speak my gracious praise, another line in the journal, another image etched into my soul that has no phrase, the healing salve He caresses into my wounds – Love.

It begins and ends with Love.

Jan 032015
 

When you don't wake up to a huge to-do it is easier to go to bed with a to-doneI set the alarm for this morning in hopes of re-finding a routine. I woke up 20 minutes before the alarm thinking maybe I should just go back to sleep.

Instead I woke up and put the dogs out and refilled their dish while refueling my mind, “All things are possible with God”, and then I let those icey-cold dogs in and set down their bowls and made my way upstairs where my parents were watching a movie and drinking coffee. My boy is playing quietly in his room and my girl? She sleeps and so does her dog and I wonder to myself why this child who loved school so much before the break suddenly doesn’t want to go back…

I crack an egg into a bowl and add a pinch of pepper and a couple of tablespoons of milk and the fork bursts the yolk as I fluff away as potatoes fry in the pan. I sprinkle them with cheese and let it melt as I move them to my plate. I make a scrambled egg in the same pan and I smile at my small plate of food because I likely wouldn’t have eaten breakfast at all if I had stayed in bed.

I watch some of the movie on the TV with my dad and then I come down here to rest my poor aching back.

I light the candles and the warm aroma fills the air and I wonder if a few small flames can really add any tangible amount of heat. The lanterns remind me that “He has made everything beautiful in its time”.

I plug in that snowy looking tree wearing the Jesse Tree paper ornaments from Christmas and I think that I should fill the tree with quotes or gifts or both throughout the year.

I toss some flakes into the fish tank and I realize that my day is more than underway and I haven’t been up this early in a month or so.

Maybe writing out a plan for tomorrow really does make a difference in the day. Maybe even us stay at home moms do need a schedule and a plan, beyond when the kids go to bed.

I have laundry to do, but who doesn’t? As long as I am not a nudist living in a cave I am more than sure laundry will be on the dauly list. While I am up I should look for a black pen.

My white duvet cover and sheets are in the wash! I get so excited to change my duvet and have a bed freshly done and made. It feels good to wake up to clean things because it keeps the mind fresh and new.

When you don’t wake up to a huge to-do it is easier to go to bed with a to-done.

Jan 022015
 

I would love to say I woke up early today but the truth is I haven’t woken up early in several weeks. I was doing pretty well (for me) and waking up in the morning and going to sleep at a decent time during the first round of Hello Mornings that Jen and I did together. Since then, we have had a break and an unofficial round for Advent and we are gearing up for our next official session starting on the 12th.

I would also love to say that my kids had a nice wholesome homemade breakfast today but that isn’t true either, the oldest is just crawling out of bed and the youngest I haven’t seen yet. He is likely playing a video game or still sleeping.

Now that the oldest is awake she will probably want chicken noodle soup, and by that I mean Lipton Chicken Noodle Soup, which is a packaged soup that needs to be rehydrated or something, no chicken is actually in it, except for flavouring… it’s her favourite along with a grill cheese on rye.

You see, I try to feed my family better, homemade turkey wild-rice soup full of veggies? Check! Do they enjoy it? Check! Would they eat it daily? NOPE! That box of soup always gets pulled back out to feed them, and honestly, I like the stuff too, just not daily. On the upside it’s not ramen on the downside it’s still an overly processed food.

I am not perfect in feeding my kids, and now that they are older I will forget until someone says “I am hungry” and when I ask “what do you want?” they say “I don’t know” and then, suddenly I am missing having a baby in the house who just eats 99% of what I put out. These kids in the double digits can be so picky and well, I am even pickier than they are which makes creating one meal, instead of two or three meals, per sitting difficult at best.

They go back to school next week after what seems to be a rather long Christmas break, yes CHRISTMAS BREAK, not a winter break. We had Christmas concerts centered on Christ and the whole bit before they finished up school for Christmas break. I am going to miss having them around, even though the attitudes and the faux chicken noodle I could do without.

I dread school for them and I wish I was in a position to homeschool them but the three of us living with my parents means “NO!!!” because my parents need the break. Their house, their rules and now that the kids have lived here the whole of their lives they don’t have any intention of moving out, even if I do. This is their home and because they are the age they are and they are normal-for-today kids, I really feel like that’s one decision they should be able to make. Lord knows that they have dealt with more than anyone should have to.

So when I read Jesus saying “Let the little children come to me…” I pray, Father I am doing my best to teach them about you please keep your arms open for these little people who struggle to believe what they cannot see, please wait and let my children come to thee!

And with all His glory and power and might I hear Him tell me I should not worry about tomorrow because not only are all things possible with God, they are promised.

With those words in my mind I know that everything I do in raising my children, so long as it is done through prayer and a heart for the Lord, I can call it done, over with, good enough. I can go to bed and know that whatever the night holds God has this and I can close my eyes and whisper, Thank You Father for helping me finish my day right.

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