Oct 162016

I stare up at the sun and realize that today is yesterday on the other side of the world, and yet there are times in the day where we can both gaze up at the same stars, moon and feel the heat from the very same sun.

Then, I realize how vast the universe is and how little I am within it.

How I am barely a speck of a speck and yet God counts every single hair on my head. That blows me away! He knows every star in the sky, every soul that has walked this earth or ever will, every hair on every head, and each of mine are just as BIG to Him as my brothers and sisters created by Him who stand firmly in His Holy Name!!!

Jul 262016

As I sit here loading the word document to write I notice that the sky outside looks like cotton candy and I spring to life at 9:30pm wearing my pj’s and grabbing my camera once again to capture a couple of glimpses of the sky that God painted just for me.

I have seen a lot of amazing sky’s out of this window while sitting on my bed. It’s amazing how different it can look from window to window only to be the same exact moon and stars that we all get to see. It is fun to talk to a friend 18 hours away and both be looking at the moon or hunting down the big dipper. Somehow the universe as we are able to see it, seems so big, and I feel so small and yet I know that my place in this world is exactly where I was created to belong.

I’ve been feeling more like me than I was at the beginning of the month. I think it’s fair to say I was having some sort of mini-breakdown, if they can be mini… I think I had a dozen or more cold showers in the midst of panic attacks over nothing, almost always in the night.

The past week I have been picking up the pieces here and there. I am still behind but things are getting done. I’ve been dusting and vacuuming and lighting candles again. Cleaned off some surfaces, switched my purse to a different one for the first time in a couple of years, and I even made myself iced coffee. When I am feeling bleh I don’t drink coffee for the most part, so having a homemade iced mocha made me feel human and gave me a good 14 grams of protein along with the caffeine!

I am currently burning a blueberry scented soy candle that is tucked inside of my REDEEMED holder, reminding me that “Everything is beautiful in its time” and that while I fell behind on household tasks there is no reason that I can’t just hop right back in and tidy up and do what I can while doing my best to take care of myself and not risk burn out again. You can check out DaySpring for inspirational home décor, cards and so much more. I have purchased most of my décor from them as well as a purse and makeup travelling bag! You can also earn up to 6% cashback through my Swagbucks link and right now you can save an additional 25% sitewide during the customer appreciation sale with coupon code THANKYOU

I LOVE these wooden letters and this Bible cover has enough space for me to tuck in extra papers, small bible studies and so much more!

Apr 282016

The sky seemed to be another evening boring grey and then just as I was about to write, as my Word document sprang to life the passing of the sun caught my window and shone streaks of orange across the wall. I grabbed my camera because I don’t have a phone and I ran to the window, to look at the magic of the sky. Hues of pink and blue and purples, and yes orange, danced perfectly painted. I couldn’t pass them up. I have said it before and I say it now, it’s like God painted the sky just for me.

In a lot of ways He did! No one else has the view from my window. Theirs all show a similar sky from a different perspective. They don’t get the shadows of the truck or the tractor or the trees and while the angle is all too familiar from sunsets and sunrises over the years, they are never the same.

All those colors like the sky is in itself a rainbow. A promise of better things to come and I pull the blanket a little bit tighter as my eyes feel a little bit more solemn and I shoot a prayer up into those heavenly lines knowing that they can’t escape the rainbow, a direct line to God Himself.

In only a few seconds I have prayed for my best friend who has been missing a year, I pray for Andrew, I pray for the money I don’t have and for broken hearts to mend and friendships to restore. I pray that I can feel a bit more lively tomorrow and get my Bible study finished with eagerness instead of weariness.

I crawled onto the bed and my knees cry out that they are sore, but my heart it is the gaping door to my soul that is vulnerable. Ready to be wounded, ready for whatever is in store.

In life we only have a set amount of sunsets before we exit into Heaven and while I don’t know the number, He does, and it is He who I need. I can chose the achy knees to witness His art or I can pass up the bounty He places in front of me and become a victim of myself.


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Nov 082015

I am trying to enjoy fall and its many colors and textures but it is hard when you are in pain and dealing with emotional overflow at the same time. It is beautiful though, I will admit and despite a dog covered in burrs and another dog going bald and a cat who thinks she is a dog I have been able to soak up a few moments outside. Today I decided to take pictures because really, who doesn’t smile when their dog is smiling up at them?

I sang hymns while walking through the woods and climbing the rocks because it is hunting season and the last thing I need is to be shot while walking my dogs. Katie’s version of Lord, I Need You still sticks in my head and is often on my lips and it was today as animals and I trekked through the Canadian terrain.

Climbing up the highest rock I could find just to see what I could see. While telling animals to stay away from the edge of the small cliff because I was NOT climbing down to get them if they fell. And that blue sky? Yes! Not a cloud to be seen.

Though, I did happen to find some of this. Yep, snow. Just hanging out on the trail like it is later on the in the year than it is, like it wasn’t 50 degrees out today with the sun beaming warm. I guess we all fight to survive, even if we are snow.

And then at the end of the trail that we managed to find again after going off road (it’s a good thing I have a great sense of direction because really, no one would have found us had we got lost) we found the lake. The beautiful blue lake peaking through the trees on the horizon beckoning us to come down and see.

And yeah, there was some beautiful colors growing up over the rocks and there was a beautiful sun falling quickly behind the tree line.

And yes, the cat walks with us every time, the entire way. She helps little Charlie-dog navigate around the puddles and she comes when she is called.

Jun 252015

I haven’t really slept in what feels like forever. My body is exhausted and my muscles tired and weak. Yet, my mind doesn’t shut off, not even when my eyes are closed and I think I am fast asleep. The images of a life lived over ten years ago pop into my head and are felt through the sting of insomnia for days at a time. Dreams… Flashbacks, reality?

When you are sleep deprived it is hard to even know the difference between what’s real and what’s going on in that part of your brain that is trying to rest the best it can. It is confusing.

Last night I was still awake when the sun began to rise at 4am. The world behind the curtain going from black to light and my mind begging me “why?”

I finally fell asleep close to five and was up around 8:30 – my vision blurred and my brain confused, nausea running its course as I fumbled through the house hoping I wouldn’t fall. Exhaustion.

I used to love to stay up through the night and watch the sun rise high in the sky. Part of me still loves it, but I also know I need to get a good 8-10 hours of solid sleep in order to function like a human. Spring is always bad for my sleep. I don’t know why. Anxiety seems to rise and stay awake far past the setting of the sun.

I have always said that God paints the sky just for me. As I lay awake and watch the sun rise I know the real Son is already risen and that no matter how exhausted I am, no matter how many sunsets and sunrises I see without a rest in between, that He has a plan for me.

Jun 232015

by his stripesLooking into the eyes of my freshly born babies, covered in goo and angered over the trauma of coming into the world. Loved immeasurably more than I ever thought possible just when I thought I already loved them more than one could ever love anything.

The lessons I have learned from my children, especially in their infancy, will never be forgotten either.

  • The way a mama can suddenly fall asleep anywhere at any time as long as the baby is sleeping too.
  • Those first smiles, steps and words – etched into my brain like it happened seconds ago.
  • Those broken hearts, frustration over school work, and hormonally bad attitudes about everything.
  • The 4 millionth chicken nugget suddenly being the time I find out that chicken has always been hated and they no longer plan to eat that.

Then there is the time I found a hot dog, with bun, in the fish tank and I wanted so badly to scold the child but the tears of laughter weakened me to the smile on that child’s face.

There are the broken-horrible things that I won’t ever forget though either. Waking in the night dizzy with cramps, only to find out I was hemorrhaging at 10 weeks pregnant, the miscarriages that just happened without any pain or notice, the little blob of a baby held in my blood-stained hand as I sat in the washroom calling out for help.

Those are the memories that I will never forget, the good, the bad, the scary and the downright ugly. While I didn’t know it at the time, God was there through it all, holding my hand and giving me the strength to keep moving on. I didn’t know that years later I would be leaning on God with the full weight of my brokenness and knowing that by His stripes I am already healed. {Isaiah 53:5}

More recently it has really clicked in that God has a map for my life and that I am exactly where I need to be, no matter how horrid the circumstances were that brought me here. God is in control and always has been. I take comfort and solace in knowing that none of this was in vain. That my pain will be used to bring Him glory, and that those babies that were born into my hand were born spiritually into his arms and that His face was the first that they ever saw.

Jun 152015

We had some pretty intense smoke in the air last week. Leaving some pretty awesome sunsets and making it hard to breathe. My head was clogged and all I could think about was how the people who were close to the fires must’ve felt, how could they breathe? It reminded me how small our world really is, a fire some 10-12 hours away could make me sick, that puts things into perspective, those people truly are my neighbours.

If the smoke can cover a few provinces and choke out my breath then surely the spirit of God can encompass the globe and choke out Satan’s flames, breathing the breath of life into every. single. persons soul. The breath of the healer, the redeemer. The Alpha and Omega. The one who knows it all and always has. Who knew that smoke would lead to this blog post before the human race had ever heard about a blog, or even the written word. He knew. He was there and always has been.

All things are possible with God
~Mark 10:27~

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