Okay

 Tagged with: , , ,
Feb 112020
 

I open my eyes and feel you’re warmly wrapped around me
I don’t see you though. I look and you’re not there.
I wait
For an alert
Or a ding
That makes my heart speed up and I fear bad news because for so many months those morning messages were filled with the unknown, absolute dread.
And yet,
I crave you like an infant demands the breast.
I need to be cradled in your strong arms, hear your heartbeat and feel that you’re alive.
Because
You are alive. You fought, you fight.
Every day you’ve been in a battle to keep your body and soul together
And mine has fought to be next to you.
Holding you the way a mother should hold her son, only more.
Kissing your tears away as my fingers tease through your hair.
My mouth finds it’s way to yours
You kiss me back.
Your fingers intertwined into my long hair
The others trailing their way down my body like electricity.
I gasp as your thumb presses on my special spots.
Our lips unlock and I look at your soul and it exhales the power of life into me.
You are CPR for my soul.
My body twitches at the thought of you.
My belly dances for hours after you’ve touched me.
The space between my legs was made for you
As though the pieces together are completing a puzzle that was started a lifetime ago.
I know you worry.
I worry too.
When something completes you in such a profound way it’s our instinct to guard it, fiercely.
You
Fear leaving me.
You won’t be gone forever.
Our souls will still have each other
That is a connection that transcends time and space.
You
Fear me getting hurt.
Not by you
But, by my own self-destructive thoughts being manifest.
I will do my best to contain them.
It is hard.
Not because of you.
But
Because my past was hell.
It’s like a knife trying to cut into me and rip my soul out, at this time of year anyway.
You apply pressure to the wounds when you hold me
Keeping me from completely falling apart.
I will slide into your bed and wonder if you feel me.
Hope
That your arm wraps around me
Your hand finding it’s way to my belly
Kisses on the back of my neck and shoulders as I drift safely to sleep.
And
When tomorrow comes
The next day too
The connection will not be severed because our combined soul does not make two.

Dec 192018
 

I look down and see the moon
Reaching to the window
I will be close soon.

Grabbed back from that innocently selfish step
I’m wondering why the sky is below
Where am I that it’s all upside down?

Tenderness, pain, and emotion without sound
Living life while begging to die
How am I swimming in the sky?

My faith is real yet I fear I am not
A mass of carbon without any thought
Just one step and it’s do or die.

Why won’t you release the shackles
Please, just let me try
Forever I’ll be yours, here or there.

If it doesn’t work what will you care?
And if I float into the Heavenly abyss
I’ll come to you and tell you what you’ve missed.

Dec 032018
 

It has been a good long time since I have put words to the blinking cursor. I don’t know why exactly I stopped writing, or rather, why the words stopped flowing, but I think it has to do with loss.

I just keep losing in this game called life. I keep feeling the slashing pain of being gutted by the insides that are supposed to hold onto life and grow the future. What will the future hold when it cannot manifest within the womb that is meant to nurture it?

What will stem from a society run by people largely created in labs? Where our mothers and fathers spend their life savings just to get us here. Will it go to our heads? Will the race to become superior start and end with that money saved and raised to ensure our creation?

Where is God in all of this? Am I God? Is the Dr. God? Is God really the currency we pay that decides life and death for us?

How much money does someone hand to the God that has stopped the blade from slicing too deep, who has stopped an infection from setting in and who has stopped the blood from flowing out before it was too late? How much was that worth?

Is the currency for the numbness that allows me to bleed just to know I am alive the pain and torture I have experienced? The chain that held me all those nights has become the ties that bind me to the past and the past to me, forever.

I don’t know what it is I want. Or what it is I actually feel. I just know that most of the time I am in a stoic place and the other times my heart is racing out of my chest and my anxiety is through the roof. There is nothing predictable about how I will respond, psychologically or physically, to the same thing twice.

Tonight, I have peace in knowing I am not God. I am not the one with the control. I am simply a piece of the puzzle. I can find comfort in that.

Sep 122016
 

Dust in the Snow –October 11 006 –Marisa Slusarcyk

Overthinking all that should be forgot
Took my blood without a second thought
You lied, I cried
Only wish one had died
The pain inside is obvious to see
Branded into her blood ridden lines of three
Push through the window braking hard to stop
I see you, I feel you
And as I come to a slow
You’re gone,
Like dust in the snow
Forever it feels you’ll bounce in my head
Get out of me, get out now
You’ve played enough games
Please take your final bow
My heart is broken
But for you it does not mourn
The scars on the outside match those on thee in
The life I have led
Because of you
Is buried in sin
One day you will pay as I do now
God is the forgiving type
But for you I don’t see how
In hell you will burn to ashes each day
Forgotten,
Like dust in the snow

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...