Dec 302016
 

I stare at the cursor flashing black on white and the words blowing around in my head don’t want to flow to my tongue, or to the fingers that place them on the screen. I’ve never written while happy. I have never been happy, not for more than a fleeting moment or two anyway.

This is new territory for me and at every corner fear creeps in and I wonder how long happiness can last. I doubt myself and wonder if I am good enough. Scripture tells me I am plenty good. That when God was finished waving His finger creating the world, He looked down and saw that it was very good. I know this includes me, and you and everyone yet to come.

We are all a part of the original plan, His plan!

How do I shake those relationship fears though? How do I be safely me while for the first time in my life I am loving on someone who isn’t my child? How do I not mess things up?

The answer seems to be simple, and yet it’s one that I often fall away from during the good times and like so many, hold tight to during the hard times only; looking to Christ.

The Truth is:

If I seek the Lord, he hears me, and he will deliver me from ALL my fears! ~Psalm 34:4~

And,

I should not be anxious about anything, and in everything through prayer and petition and with a heart of thanksgiving, I must present my requests to God and the PEACE of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus ~Philippians 4:6-7~


And, while the outside looks like it’s been attacked by Elsa having a tantrum my heart knows only the warmth of love and beats excitedly in happiness and joy and I know that my verse for 2016 – All things are possible with God – has proven to be true and I will embrace each moment as they come.

I will love deeply and fully as Jesus has ordered me to do.

I will pray hard and often about the direction my life is taking and I will live in the hope of the Lord because I have come to realize that when I try and live without hope, I am living in fear and anxiety and that is not living at all.

“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God”
~Psalm 42:5~

“So we say with confidence, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?'”
~Hebrews 13:6~

 

We all live with fear. It hangs around, whispering in our ears, reminding us of all we can’t do or will never be. But that’s not the end of the story. We also have a God who draws close to say, Fear not. I am with you. This Spirit transforms us into fear fighters–women breaking free of trepidation to find bold dedication to God’s peace-, purpose- and joy-filled callings.

With remarkable compassion born from personal experience, Kelly Balarie shows women how to

· Cultivate unstoppable faith by harnessing God’s Word and promptings
· Pray panic-, blood pressure- and stress-reducing prayers to usher in lasting peace
· Discover clear and immediate action plans to exchange worry for God’s greatest gifts
· Implement daily bravery decrees to stand armed through the day
· Participate in a 12-week study guide to foster new courageous habits
 
Kelly pulls back the curtain of fear so you can find the beautiful woman God created you to be.
$15.99 USD

 


 

Nov 232016
 

16-x-4This contraption is pretty cool with enough mic hookups to really get even the largest of groups ready to go. Here is what Musicians Friend says about the 16×4 Pro-co Stage Master Snake!

“This high-quality Pro Co audio cable snake is configured with16 XLR mic inputs and four ¼” TRS returns. It features metal hand-soldered fan connectors and has a cable grip on the box. Color-coded fan shrink makes set-up a breeze. Available in 50′ or 100′ lengths.

Pro Co makes great sounding, flexible, sturdy, easy- to- coil and carry snake cables for touring /concert applications.”

Sep 272016
 

Woodwind Brasswind is an amazing site for people who enjoy either of these types of instruments and offer new and used items, a place for educators and have a music room. They also ship to 90+ countries which is pretty amazing! Right now they are excited to promote G. Schirmer Diller-Quaile First Solo Book New Edition By Diller Standard.

Diller Quaile has a very hefty index which the website lists the “Contents: Ah, Mon Beau Chateau · All the Birds (German) · Autumn Song · Baa Baa Black Sheep · Berceuse · Bohemian Song · Bring a Torch, Jeannette, Isabella · Cock-A-Doodle-Doo · Cradle Song · Dutch Tune · Early One Morning · English Folk Song · French Jig · Frere Jacques (Are You Sleeping?) · Hippity Hop · Hop, Hop, Hop! · Hot Cross Buns · Hunting Song · Hush, Little Baby · In Springtime · Irish Air · Jack Be Nimble · Jack Sprat · The Keys of Canterbury (English) · Lament (Moravian Folk) · Lavender’s Blue · Little Bo-Peep · Little Jack Horner · Lullaby · Morning Song (French Folk) · My Country, ‘Tis of Thee (America) · Nachtigall (Nightingale) · The Old Chateau (French Folk) · Pierrot · Pussy Cat · Raindrops · Ride a Cock-Horse · Russian Folk Tune · Russian Song · The Shepherdess · Sing a Song of Sixpence · Slumber Song · Song of the Sword (Moravian) · Spanish Folk Song · Star of the Sea (French Folk) · Sur Le Pont D’avignon · Suzy, Little Suzy (Humperdinck) · Vicar of Bray · Waltz.”

WWBW is proud to stand by their products and are excited to offer a no-risk assurance of total satisfaction and low price guarantees on their products to everyone who orders!

 

Jul 012016
 

I wore my heart on my sleeve, exposed and fully bare. No one to protect the flooded arteries from the scars that travelled fast and hard and way too near. As I speak in lyrics and sing the song that’s on my heart the child asks if I have a song for everything and I pause. I look into her beautiful deep blue eyes that carry a pain of their own, and I say “unsung lyrics are simply a journey yet to be experienced.” And the response was “that’s deep.”

You have no idea how deep though young one, while you are worrying about snap stories and who will be on the bus next year I am thinking long and hard about whether or not I am mothering you the way you need. I keep bleeding love for my children because God shed blood for those of us that are His.

And you think love is to pray
But I’m sorry, I don’t pray that way
~Tainted Love~

 

I don’t need Queen to sing “We are the Champions” in order to know that our Earthly battle has already been won. I don’t need John Newton’s lyrics to Amazing Grace to know that His grace is more than sufficiently amazing, or Hillsong to tell me that “Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now.”



And yet the words of Manson singing about drugs and feeling like a nobody and wanting to be a somebody gives me a reason and a need for the music that also represents the good and I have physically experienced a plethora of evil/bad, it is somehow reassuring to hear the lyrics that express that pain and expose my unknown broken in order that I can mend the shattered pieces with a giant tube of super glue and listen to the songs that bandage my heart to stop the sting and leave me resting in the only One who completely understands and has promised to heal.

I drop to my knees and I beg as I kneel “Heaven save me, I am down to one last breath” and as Creed plays in my prayer I already know that my finale belongs to the one who gave me a beginning -God.

Jun 042016
 

This week has been a whirlwind with a child travelling 18 hours from home and tracking flights and drop offs and pick ups and my mom collapsing in pain and being in the hospital up until a few hours ago with surgery on the horizon. I have missed my haven- home- my bed. I have missed sleep and the way my blankets comfort me and keep me comfortable, I missed food and water and I missed having my mom home.

I missed my time with God because there was no time between running around and going to the hospital to fit in my study -I tried but in the end not even the boy child got sent to school, it was just too much to deal with and the safety of my little cocoon felt so exposed as I sat in waiting wondering if surgery would happen or if release papers would come.

I crawled into my little haven last night at around 4:30am and was out the door to the hospital by 9:30am. The night before only left me with about 4 hours of stressed sleep as I entertained the boy child waiting to hear how my mom was, grandma, the woman who has helped me raise my children without complaint.

Sometimes our haven is a place, like bed, sometimes it is a person like my mom and it is ALWAYS God’s loving embrace.

They were glad when it grew calm,
    and he guided them to their desired haven.

~Psalm 107:30~

Tonight as I rest my head knowing my mom is safely upstairs in her bed and all my children are home and under one roof I can rest into my God, lay in my safe haven and know that all will be well. God has definitely been my guide this week and prevented me from burning out, helping me to triage all that life was throwing and still get us all safely home each night. God is good, always and always, God is good!

May 052016
 

I sat there as the modem was supposed to be resetting glancing through the pictures of the first few months of my daughters life that are in the album that hasn’t been put away. I could look at the pictures of myself even then and see the exhaustion and depression hidden on my face, the abuse by the smiling and oh so young man standing next to me making it appear as though I was nothing more than tired after delivering a child.

What the pictures miss though is that I was ecstatic to be a mom, even though I was only 17 years old. I was beyond proud of this little accomplishment that had just escaped my body and been placed on my chest, that doesn’t show in the pictures and it makes me sad to think that she will look back one day at the abusive one and see the pain and sorrow in my eyes.

What’s missing are the bruises and the pain, because no one hurts a woman who is over due thinking it won’t be noticed. No one realizes that those frozen moments in time are fraction of a second glimpses into a world that digs deeper than most anyone, including abuse victims, can fathom.

I use the term domestic abuse because people understand that. They don’t understand when I say I was beaten and brainwashed through the teachings of the Bible, raped for “the glory of god” because of my insolence, denied friends and family without supervision, or that when I speak of the phantom shackles that I still feel holding me that I literally mean, I was held tied up, handcuffed, restrained while being used as a “sex slave” and then beaten for refusing.

Yeah, that’s all missed in those pictures, and in the hundreds of others. In fact, the only pictures of any of this have firmly been in the hands of the police since 2005, when I escaped with my children in tow on a cold February night after being raped and nearly killed… escaped. I didn’t leave, I fled for my life, our lives. The pictures the hospital took of his hand print bruised onto my infant’s head, photos of my most intimate parts torn, bruised, bleeding with measuring devices and other “tools” to help the police understand all that happened. Restraints that are in the possession of the police sitting away in an evidence box.

You can take away the things and pack it neatly into bags and boxes, but you can’t pack away the scars, especially the scars that live on the inside. The images branded into my brain.

All of that is missing and I go down as a victim of domestic abuse, a survivor, meanwhile, I am bobbing up and down in waters too deep always gasping for my last breath.

So much of my story sits in files hidden away because the world isn’t ready for that, I am not ready for that. There are parts of me that have been missing since I was 15 years old and in the 11 years since my escape I have wondered over and over again if those are parts of the puzzle that will ever be found.

Apr 252016
 

I wasn’t really raised as a Christian, don’t get me wrong, I always had a spiritual relationship with God but it was definitely not something I was being taught outside of school. I dated very young and developed even younger. I remember in grade 7 being relentlessly teased about the size of my breasts, the joke being that I had to have been stuffing my bra with triple-ply toilet paper. The girls saw what I had and they pounced on it, making me dread being a woman and eager to hide myself beneath layers of overalls, hoodies and oversized shirts.

Later on I realized that this same issue worked to my “benefit” and attracted the boys so I did what I could and wore low cut shirts and anything to accentuate my curves. I continued down this path until about 2 years ago when God began to place modesty on my heart. Suddenly I found myself being uncomfortable showing my chest, and finding myself loving the way I feel in a skirt or dress. I mean, really, a dress is so easy to wear, it already matches. Slide it on and voila!

God also placed it on my heart to quit dying my hair and to let it grow and be healthy, the way He created it to be.

I have to admit, this whole long hair thing sometimes gets in the way, I am learning though. Learning by asking friends how they pin their hair up or pull it out of the way so it doesn’t end up being washed with the dishes.

I have had a blast going through my wardrobe and purging everything that wasn’t modest and to my standards, it makes getting dressed SO much easier, and I feel silly that I never took that advice seriously when I had read it the first ten thousand times.

I still love to wear hoodies and oversized clothing around the house, especially to clean or when its super cold and I just want to snuggle in, but having clothing I love and know aren’t going to send the wrong message has motivated me to get and stay dressed a lot more often.


This is most definitely a journey as I strive to obey God and I am excited to see where God is leading me on this journey. Going from the girl who showed too much and was a teen mama as a result really makes this journey into modesty so much fun, because of how completely unexpected it was. I am now the mother of a teen, surrounded by Christians with strong values, especially online. Who will offer me prayer, words of encouragement and scripture that evades me.

I would love to hear about how God speaks to you about your wardrobe or other areas in your life! Maybe He is speaking to you about parenting or marriage or being single. For whatever season you are in I pray that God’s loving hands cup your face and engulf you in His radiant love, light and peace.

If you have a prayer request please feel free to message me or leave it in the comments below!!

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