I haven’t really slept in what feels like forever. My body is exhausted and my muscles tired and weak. Yet, my mind doesn’t shut off, not even when my eyes are closed and I think I am fast asleep. The images of a life lived over ten years ago pop into my head and are felt through the sting of insomnia for days at a time. Dreams… Flashbacks, reality?
When you are sleep deprived it is hard to even know the difference between what’s real and what’s going on in that part of your brain that is trying to rest the best it can. It is confusing.
Last night I was still awake when the sun began to rise at 4am. The world behind the curtain going from black to light and my mind begging me “why?”
I finally fell asleep close to five and was up around 8:30 – my vision blurred and my brain confused, nausea running its course as I fumbled through the house hoping I wouldn’t fall. Exhaustion.
I used to love to stay up through the night and watch the sun rise high in the sky. Part of me still loves it, but I also know I need to get a good 8-10 hours of solid sleep in order to function like a human. Spring is always bad for my sleep. I don’t know why. Anxiety seems to rise and stay awake far past the setting of the sun.
I have always said that God paints the sky just for me. As I lay awake and watch the sun rise I know the real Son is already risen and that no matter how exhausted I am, no matter how many sunsets and sunrises I see without a rest in between, that He has a plan for me.