I walked out that door that night with the kids in my arms, fighting for my life. What I didn’t know when that door slammed shut behind me was how many doors would open in front of me. Doors to a world I never knew existed. To the REAL God, to the REAL Christianity. To freedom that I had never had before. To being a mom. To being able to make decisions.
I also didn’t expect all of the overwhelming feelings that came with those new doors. You don’t realize how hard it can be to simply walk through into goodness when the last door was all bad, but I did it and yes I still struggle but I know I am on the right side of the right door this time and I couldn’t be happier, even with my past that tries to creep up and haunt me. Instead, I can use that past to bring God glory.
I had no clue that a story so gory could bring such glory!
But it does. I have talked to men and women from around the world who were brave in hearing my candid story and then opened up for the first time to tell me their stories of hurt and abuse. My heart has broken a thousand times but my soul has said a million prayers because those people have new doors to walk through as well! They can embark on this journey to heal and each day they can follow His Word and utter the words “By His stripes I am healed” and one day? You believe it! Because God isn’t a liar. He didn’t come down here to mock us or make us look like fools. He came to save us, to carry that burden for us so that we can be healed mentally, physically and spiritually. When the soul sees a glimmer of light it can poke in a finger and rip away the dark revealing all that is Light.
I have been struggling with people from the last few years. What impact they will have on my future. I have been praying about a friend who lied and hurt in almost every single way and now she has apologized a few years too late and I forgave her long ago but I don’t trust her and I don’t know if letting her back in is a door I want to open or keep closed.
Another door I found myself opening was one to my own Etsy shop. It is far from refined or fancy because I am just figuring it out, but I am on disability and I am single and I have two kids who are in constant need of necessities and I know Etsy won’t make me rich, it may not make me anything at all, but I have to try because I can’t go out into the work world. I have tried, many a times, and always ended up in the hospital from that Post Traumatic Stress.
I have thought about starting a go fund me account but why would anyone donate to me? What have I offered them to be able to have them reach out and help me? There are so many problems in this world and so many doors slammed shut and I struggle to know what’s real or right, especially when it comes to money. I get very lost as I return back to this person who feels underserving.
So as one door closes another opens and I am often scared to step inside. I often find myself stagnant because of fear and then guilty for being afraid when I simply need to live in trust.
Simply live in trust… not simple for me at all.
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