“Cover up the bruises of your life because these scars mean pain”
I want to write something encouraging, Godly, inspirational – but the fact is, that’s just not what’s in me right now. My body is screaming in pain and my cheeks are tear stained because the pain of reality is sinking in, the hurt that has caused the hundreds of scars that adorn my body. I wonder to myself if the bruises of my life will ever go away? I wonder if I will ever feel like I am not going at this all alone, in my own personal hell. I know that there are thousands of people out there who are survivors.
I find myself envying those people tonight as I write.
Jealous that they are able to move on, live through the pain, take a pill and feel better, enjoy life. I am sad, because I don’t.
I don’t enjoy life right now. I don’t enjoy putting on this façade that says everything is okay when my body is screaming from its very core that it hurts or that my mind is eating away at me and instilling a fear that no one should have to face. Fear that the pain won’t go away. Fear that the pain will be the dictator for ever.
I am already planning my life around pain, a life I never wanted in the first place and I have damned so many times and have tried to end more times than I can recall and I wonder why I bother to push through and put the smile on and take on the weight of the world (or so it seems), why do I take on other peoples pain? Why do I listen to them gripe and talk them down and back to reality when I can’t even get myself to be real? Is hanging out in someone else’s pain really better for me than living in my own?
“Keep your head held high”
I look at my guitar in the corner and I wonder why I can never make it make the sounds I have heard from hundreds of guitars in my life and I am reminded that I can play piano, nothing fancy since I taught myself years ago but I can play. The lyrics of my life are all over the place, from the beautiful hallelujah to the sharpened glass of broken pain.
I watch the fish pluck a snail from its shell. This used to make me gag, but now I realize it is the life cycle. I feed the fish and the snails all of the recommended foods from flakes to pellets to fresh veggies because you know, cucumbers naturally grow under the water (?) and the wet pets prefer to eat at the algae, the driftwood and even each other and I know that they have this little ecosystem of their own established and that if I was to forget to feed them for a week or two that they would be okay pecking at the plants and ripping snails from their shells because that’s how wet pets are. When the lakes are iced over and no bugs can fall in they survive off what is hanging out at the bottom, even those fish that normally hang out at the top know enough to go where the food is. The circle of life is more adaptable than we can understand as human.
Maybe because as humans we are so dependent on doctors and charts and statistics to tell us what is right rather than simply listening to what our soul has to say. Our souls are often silenced by the days pains and all those drugs those doctors tell us to take.
Can you find yourself down there? Way down deep inside? Maybe you are hiding in a dark place, a place you would rather not shine a light but where the light needs to shine bright!
“Wash away the colors of the night”
That’s where God is hidden. Under the darkness that encompasses our very being. He is in there, hidden by layers of pain, pain that stems from shame, and our minds are our own worst enemies because they play the games. The dark shroud tries its damnedest to contain the light, the Light. He shines bright inside our souls like the sun burns hot and we can hide deep within ourselves and try to wash away the colors of the night but His beautiful blinding light will always rise and paint the sky that’s deep inside in colors just for me. Casting away the shadows and removing the dark. When we pull down hard on that shroud trying to stop it from going it disintegrates from our grasp and suddenly we have hands that are stretched out and reaching for the light and we can either recoil into shadows that no longer exist or we can offer up our praise to the one that will always exist.
“Do you understand?”