“And it only hurts when I’m breathing
My heart only breaks when it’s beating
My dreams only die when I’m dreaming
So, I hold my breath–to forget
Don’t think I’m lyin’ ’round cryin’ at night
There’s no need to worry, I’m really all right
I’ve never looked back–as a matter of fact”
Talking tonight about some of those more rough moments and the good ones has this song in my head by Shania Twain. It only hurts when I am breathing. I am trying to stay focused though, on the future, not the past, not the part that makes breathing hurt, no I want to focus on the part of life that allows my lungs to fill with life.
“I’m not surprised just how well I survived
I’m over the worst, and I feel so alive
I can’t complain–I’m free again”
It is absolutely amazing how those chains of bondage can literally fall away through the power of prayer, prayers that I speak for myself and prayers that others have said for me when I couldn’t see through that next breath. Where the trees were nothing more than a forest full of evil -a dark mess.
Yet now that I am able to inhale deep and focus on what I am really seeing I am able to relax, enjoy and simply function for the most part. Sure, I have bad days, more than I care to count, but I don’t focus on those days because those are the days that steal the joy away from me, they steal hope, they drain me of life and when I allow them to they even cause me to try and end the pain myself. So, keeping the focus on the good (God) has been the only way I have come to heal in anyway. Knowing I am His child today, tomorrow and always.
I am a survivor. I am blessed. My journey through abuse and nearly being killed will prayerfully bring God glory. In some ways it already has. I have a doctor who has seen my suicide attempts that didn’t even require hospitalization who switched his kids to the Christian schools and started to believe and learn about Christ because the only explanation for me being perfectly healthy and alive was a miracle.
If my gory can bring glory then my experiences were worth it. Every last one of them. Focus. Breathe. I don’t have to have this, because God does!