Nov 192015

I didn’t just dwell on the past, I lived there, for years and years and even more years and sometimes when I am not careful to be present my mind slips right on back into the black and abusive abyss, haunting my thoughts both day and night.

There is no one way to move forward though, no way to get over the PTSD. I take meds, a LOT of meds. I have actually posted pictures of my meds on Instagram because of how disgusted I am in having to take them, but they are what allows for me to be focused enough on the present and the future that I can actually live with my past. They free me from the phantom chains and release me into the loving arms of God.

For a long time I would dwell on the fact that suicide attempts never worked and “God never wanted me back” or “God won’t even take me, nobody wants me”. Somewhere along the jagged, slippery road I have realized that He is the only One who ALWAYS wants me. ALWAYS loves me. Even at my worst. Even when I have sat there bleeding out and overdosed He breathed life into my lungs and told me it wasn’t my time and He planted seeds of purpose that the meds have allowed to finally grow!

I was raised Catholic. I always had at least a Bible or two around and I had read through it in it’s entirety several times before I was done middle school. Yet, I didn’t dwell on the words or let the Word dwell in me. I didn’t allow God’s love to flow into me even though I had accepted Him as my Lord and Saviour. I knew the words on the pages, and the pages knew me, but we had little connection.

I look back now and I see that hell on earth and I know without a doubt that had I not went through all of that I wouldn’t be where I am spiritually today. I wouldn’t be blessed to be able to say “I understand”. I wouldn’t be able to listen with an emphatic ear or pray from my heart words that bring a world of welled up tears.

I have felt like Job and even used Job 3 as a suicide note. You see how distorted the Bible can become in the mind of someone who is completely undone? Now I feel more like those who were in the lineage of Jesus, right back to Genesis –the Beginning. Where polygamy and sin ultimately led to David and from the stump of Jesse we received Jesus!! I feel like that, like all of my ugly-sin is sending out shoots and new life and growth.

I am not healed, but I am whole.

When I feel like my life is less than, I know that God will use those moments to give me a more than opportunity. Will I go down in some great book centuries old? Not likely, BUT that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t turn life around and be an example to the people I interact with and impact every day.

I will not only dwell in His home forever, but forever He will dwell in me!

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  22 Responses to “I Didn’t Just Dwell”

  1. Lovely words and I am teary-eyed. Thank you for sharing your story. Putting up my own FMF post a little later today. Have a lovely weekend and may God be your constant source of joy and strength.


  2. Thanking God that you are whole and healed by a beautiful God. I loved when you described dwelling in God’s word. That is something I desire to more often. Blessings upon our weekend!

    • Thanks Mary! It is easy to think of the Bible as work but if you look at it as a series of novels and stories it is a lot more fun to really get into!!! Praying you have a great weekend!!

  3. Beautifully written!! Love the I will not only dwell in His home forever, he will dwell in me

    Your fmf neighbor at number 8 this week

  4. “I feel like that, like all of my ugly-sin is sending out shoots and new life and growth.”

    Incredible. What a testimony to the goodness of the Lord! He really does take all the darkness and reshape it in His light. He uses every little thing about us to glorify Him and invite others to salvation.

    • YAY so happy that you picked out this reference. With Advent coming up so quickly it is really important to remember not only the roots of Jesus but how ours will outstretch over generations as well!!

  5. May God continue to shepherd you through your journey of wholeness to healing! He can work miracles in each and every one of us.

    • Thank you for your sweet words Anita! Yes he definitely can work miracles, but at the same time, I am enjoying being able to minister to those who aren’t healed yet because let’s face it, when we relate to someone on those deep levels it becomes easier to relate to God and not feel alone! All in His perfect timing!!

  6. Yes! Thank you for continuing to share your story friend. May he dwell in us all!

  7. Thank you for sharing your story- it’s such a great testimony of God’s power to heal. I love how he can bring new life and hope even in broken and messy situations and work for good, even in our difficult experiences. (FMF #21)

  8. “I am not healed, but I AM whole.” Whew, sister would that preach. Beautiful post and I am so very glad you are a dweller in the secret place!

    • Thank you for your encouragement Susan!! I enjoyed our chat the other day!! I look forward to talking to you more and I am excited to read your new book!!

  9. Yes, Marisa, you are whole in Christ…as we all are. You make me proud to have you as an Internet buddy!!!! Love ya!

  10. Words I much needed to hear! My heart breaks for the pain you have been in, but I am so happy you have seen God’s grace and love through your circumstances! He has big plans for you!

  11. Awesome witness, Marisa. You’re a hero.

    Sorry it has taken me so long to get here. The weekend was not of the best.

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