Oct 172014

It has been a long couple of days here and I woke up extremely early today with a lot of anxiety about the weekend. The funeral is this weekend. The funeral of the man who I can only refer to as a cult leader, a cult that people didn’t even realize they were in until it was too late and their possessions were being burned at his command by husbands who demanded obedience in the name of God.

247 times that metal studded belt came down on my naked flesh. Me, refusing to give in, I wasn’t going to give up one of the only things I could hold onto. I just wasn’t and after 9 hours of being bound and beaten the cuffs were released. My bottom black and blue and the calendar read that it was barely the next day. What a long day that had been.

I don’t remember the pain it brought though. I remember instead being called a slut when this man saw through my window what was happening to me. Completely helpless, drenched in my own stinging sweat and then called a slut for being stripped of any inkling of humanity that I had been holding onto.

Words often sting far worse than any whip and they cut deeper than any knife. Words can make you or break you. In my case, they broke me down, wore me out. Changed who I was inside and out. Maybe because I was so confused it was just easier to lose myself inside of the black holes in my mind, where a bounty of nothingness existed.

Now as I sit here nearly ten years later I worry about the funeral and all the people who had hurt me being in town. I worry that he isn’t really dead and it’s some joke that the world has played on me. Giving me a sense of relief just before the cobra strikes, or the storm clouds swallow me whole.

God’s grace though? It is long and enduring and it holds onto me in ways that no one else ever could. It reminds me that I survived and that I won my life back, fair and square. That same grace, it tells me that I don’t have to be so afraid anymore. Part of my problem is solved. Parts of me that haven’t been free since I was a young teen are finally free and only by Gods merciful grace could that ever happen.

Where I go from here I have no clue. I am not sure what life will be like without the fear of being taken back, killed for escaping. No longer having to look over my shoulder or sit with my back to walls. Another aspect of being untrained that I will have to figure out during this insane life I live. Not a thing is normal for me. Not a worry is the same as what a non-victim feels.

I wonder if I will ever regain that innocence or if the evil that nearly took my life will always blanket the good in a dark shroud, forever reminding me that evil lives.

Now? Now I suppose I live in wonderment and pray that where this mans preaching left off isn’t picked up by someone brainwashed by him or as sick as him. I pray that no one else is ever hurt again at the hands of this “family”. I pray that this feeling of being safe is real and that I really am safe, in the grace of God now and always.

All of this, has been half a life time, too long. Far, far, too long.

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  8 Responses to “Long –A Five Minute Friday Post and Day 17 of #Write31Days”

  1. I am so sorry for what you have endured. Grateful to our God for bringing you to Himself & for providing safety. I will be praying over the coming days for you – that God’s peace & protection would continue to be with you & over you. “He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.” (Psalm 91:4, NLT). Visiting this morning from FMF.

    • Thanks Joanne, your prayers, along with everyone elses have definitely been felt. Such a wonderful community we are!

  2. There is nothing I can say except that I am so sorry for all the you have endured but so thankful to a loving God that has drawn you to Him. You will be in my prayers this weekend.

  3. reading this breaks my heart how people abuse God’s word for their own means. but I am also very glad that this has passed, and you can start to look forward and rebuild even more

    • I struggled for several days in feeling relieved and free when another human has passed what appears to be a painful death, but friends and family are continuing to remind me that He died so that I may live and in this case this man died, freeing me to live the way God would want 🙂

  4. Sweet mercy! I cannot even imagine what you endured. May God restore the years the locusts have eaten. I’m your neighbor over at #FMFparty. I pray His fresh mercy falls on you like a heavy warm blanket.

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