Oct 032014

Writing for a full on 31 days is a new thing for me. Not that I haven’t created that many posts in a month before. Heck, there have been days where I have posted more than once. It’s the commitment that is new to me. It’s not like anyone is holding a gun to my head saying “write” but part of me feels like maybe a tiny Nerf gun or a water gun may be aimed the same way. Like if I fall behind one day I am somehow letting down this amazing group of people, all dedicated to this mission. This mission to tell our stories through writing!

Sometimes I feel new at so many things. At blogging, design, graphics, even being a normal functioning adult. I struggle with a lot of things because of PTSD and it definitely doesn’t go unnoticed – laundry needs folded and put away, or rewashed at this point because I can’t remember if the basket is clean or dirty. The new dirty pile on the floor has seemingly become a blanket and I wonder to myself how anyone can get everything done and keep things so clean and inviting when I can’t even maintain a shelf or two and some laundry.

My adolescence was stolen from me, so were my early adult years. I think a HUGE part of me got stolen with it. Being told what to do, how to do it and when was life. Punishment was switch and rationally? Undeserved. Yet, now I look around and I just don’t know how to blend in and make those decisions. It’s like I need someone to hold the reigns and lovingly guide me through this torrent of information and pain.

I tried to do like everything says and create a time management cheat and that worked for like a day. Meals at these times, this at that time, etc. It looked good on paper, but, I had no one to enforce it. I failed. This whole world to me is nearly 10 years old and at times I feel like I am still this young girl because I really just don’t know how. The big things? I got those! I can do big! The small though? That’s where I am lost and scared and full of guilt. Never feeling good enough even though I have this awesome father God who says I am plenty good. Who looked down from the Heavens after He created me and with all the grace that God has he said that I was good.

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  8 Responses to “New – a Five Minute Friday Post + Day 3 #Write31Days”

  1. Yes! Hold on to Jesus and let go of that guilt! He adores you! I am intimidated by the commitment to do the 31 Days thing, but I am also looking forward to the discipline, to the actually following through on it! I’m glad I linked up after you at FMF…thank you for your honesty!

    • Seems like a lot of us are intimidated by this whole commitment thing, but at the end of the day I am sure we will all have some awesome writing and some not so awesome writing. The best part though? It will be real because we won’t have a week to ponder on something profound to write on!

  2. Marisa — I share in this NEW experience of writing for 31 days consistently. There is so much grace we just have to accept it, and hang on to Jesus. In this with you sister and praying for your journey. Blessings!

    • I feel insane for doing this and then I am considering doing the November challenge of writing a novel. EEK!! Perhaps I should get my head checked first? -smiles-

  3. Oh, Marissa, keep clinging to Jesus. Keep learning and being vulnerable and allowing him to create in you a new person–to take the hurtful, ugly parts of your life that you couldn’t control and continue to turn your words into beauty.

    • Thanks Anita! about 8 years ago I asked a Minister how I could become “unsaved”, my reasoning was, if life hurts this much I don’t want eternity, i would rather take “Death”. The Minister looked at me oddly and said to me “you asked Jesus into your heart. He isn’t going anywhere. You can wander and stray but you will always be saved”

  4. Someone recently spoke to me about the fact that we are made in God’s image, and God is amazing, so why do we always think we aren’t enough? I was completely struck. The negative self talk is so harmful and God made us amazing, you too!!

    Blessings! Checking in from 5mF.

    • I think that if we all hid ourselves away from social media, tv and even real life that we may find that our self image isn’t so bad after all when we have nothing to compare it to. Instead we look at others and secretly wonder how they are better at something than I am, the thoughts just occur and before you know it you are throwing in the towel before you even began. Life seems to be a big comparison, she isn’t christian enough, she is too devoted to God and being wholesome her poor kids, her house is such a mess she is lazy, her house is spotless and she has 5 kids they must not get to play… etc we are full of judgements even when we don’t realize it. If we could stop the judging and leave it to God we wouldn’t be concerned about our pile of dirty clothes and we would be content, as is, only aiming to please God and not ourselves.

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